The Ukette
by myinukoi
Summary: 1 uke. 15 semes. 1 mansion. Who will rise above the other semes and claim Naruto as their own? Bachelor.Bachelorette parody.
1. Prolouge: Hello Naruto!

**title:** The Ukette

**author:** myinukoi

**pairing(s):** Sasuke/Sai/Kakashi/Neji/Lee/Gai/Shikamaru/Chouji/Asuma/Shino/Kiba/Gaara/Kankuro/Kabuto/Itachi - Naruto

**rating:** T (Teen)

**warning:**BL (boy love), serious _ooc_ness, language, somewhat _au_ (still ninjas; just in a different environment).

**dedication:**This story is dedicated to all my reviewers, favorite-ers, and alert-ers. for my first Naruto drabble series, _Moments_. Especially **Mint Pizza Queen **and **Tesina Gela Gardner**. Thank you.

**disclaimer: **Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

-:-

**To my readers,**

This fanfiction is not the spawn of too many The Bachelor/The Bachelorette episodes (though the title was based off of the latter...). It was rather situated thanks to VH1's Flavor of Love. For all of those who have never watched it or the television show does not air in your region, it is just a funnier, less serious, version of the former two shows. Actually, I've never even watched one episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, so I'm only writing this thanks to that one show. xD;;

And beware, I did not read the manga. I'm only judging Sai's character from what I've read on his article at Wikipedia and other fanfictions. But he was already going to be ooc, so it doesn't really bother me (nor should it you, if you're still reading) that much...

This is an introductory chapter, so don't expect much now. Chapters progressing will be _much_ longer. After reading this chapter, review and vote off **one** character. Results will be posted in the next chapter and the contestant with the most votes will be eliminated in chapter two.

If you have read all of that (which I doubt you did), and you are still interested in this fanfiction, please continue on and enjoy the first chapter of _The Ukette_.

**myinukoi**

* * *

P r o l o g u e : **Hello**** . Naruto .

* * *

**

"Naruto...are you sure about this?" Iruka asked worriedly, taking a long look at the applications, video tapes, and gifts on the large oak desk.

"Konohamaru suggested it! I don't understand why all my friends suddenly have the hots for me, but I can't break their hearts! I really think this is the best way." Naruto beamed.

"Where is this going to take place Naruto? How much is it going to cost? What if you get hurt? Physically? Mentally? What if you ruin your friendsh-...?" Iruka began to rant, flailing his arms madly.

"Iruka-sensei! Calm down. A mysterious source is providing a mansion! Can you believe that, Iruka-sensei? A _mansion_! ("Who? But what if it's booby-trapped?!") Sasuke, Neji, and Gaara are going to sustain food and basic needs. And..hello? I'm going to be the heart-breaker here! Not that I'm proud of it, but I just can't see how _I'm_ going to be hurt. And before we start this whole thing I'll make it clear to my friends that once this is all over, our friendship will remain. I want to find that special someone, Iruka-sensei..." Naruto trailed off, now quite somber.

Iruka petted his surrogate-son's blond mop of hair. "Don't worry Naruto. You'll find you're special person. Now," he said, immediately cheering up in hopes of brightening Naruto's unusually dismal mood, "Tell me how this whole _Ukette_ thing works."

Naruto grumbled, "I still don't understand why I have to be the uke though..."

The big wooden doors to the secluded office opened and three adorable Genins came tumbling out in all their dramatic glory.

"'Cuz ya' look like a girl, chief! Honestly, who can imagine _you_ on top!" Konohamaru chuckled, Moegi giggled, and Udon sniffed.

"Grrrr...! Yer lil' brats!" Naruto smacked Konohamaru on the back of the head.

"I don't even know where you learn those things from..." Naruto muttered, "You definitely know more than I did when I was a Genin..."

Iruka stared at his 'son'. Naruto, at age 17, certainly looked different than he did back when he was twelve. Now a Chuunin on the verge of becoming a Jounin, Naruto's blond mop of hair became slightly darker, carrying a deep golden tone. His chiseled yet delicate face was lightly tanned, but never too much so; he was slim and petite, yet unmistakably muscled and strong. Deep blue eyes and a heart of pure gold completed the wonderful boy and he became a target for most of Konoha's teenage population.

So much so, that he had to have his own version of the Bachelorette: The Ukette (1).

"Hmph! You can call it whatever you like, but don't make the mistake! When this is done and over with, I **will** be seme!"

"No you won't." Moegi countered.

"Dammit, girl, yes I will!"

"Nope." She giggled as his face turned crimson in anger.

"I don't have time to deal with this crap! Let's start."

The five shinobi sat around the wooden desk.

"Okay. I picked out fifteen guys," Naruto stated, the group already knowing and accepting that he just swung _that_ way. Though it did break the hearts of many females... "Here they are..."

**Uchiha Sasuke, Age 18; Jounin**

**Eye Color: Black**

**Hair Color: Black**

**Criminal Record: Disloyalty to Konoha, banding with Orochimaru, looting three Icha Icha books**

**Kekkei Genkai: Sharingan of the Uchiha Clan**

"I always knew he had a thing for the Uchiha..." Moegi whispered to Udon.

"Shut up!" Naruto yelled. "I'm only doing this because he's so persistent! And he's paying for a third of the crap! It'd be wrong to not invite him..."

Giggle. Giggle Sniff.

"Ugh..." Naruto rolled his eyes.

**Hyuuga Neji, Age 19; ANBU**

**Eye Color: Lavender/White**

**Hair Color: Dark Brown/ Black**

**Criminal Record: Breaking and Entering (Uzumaki Household)**

**Kekkei Genkai: Byakugan of the Hyuuga Clan**

"He broke into your house?" The four questioned.

"He said he came to return something..."

"What?" Iruka asked.

"Ramen..." _Drool..._

"He borrowed ramen from you..?" Udon asked skeptically.

"I don't think so, but he sure did distract me with the miso ramen he brought with him!"

"Next guy..." Iruka muttered.

**Sabuku No Gaara, Age 17; Fifth Kazekage**

**Eye Color: Aquamarine**

**Hair Color: Red**

**Criminal Record: Murder (no charges under governing status)**

**Kekkei Genkai: None; yet unnatural ability to manipulate sand due to being the host of the one-tailed Shukaku**

"Isn't that the scary, no-eyebrow dude?" the kunoichi asked. "Y'know... the one with the retarded brother that we met a few years back. Kankuro was his name...?"

"I could've soooo taken that puppet-guy on..." Konohamaru whispered in Moegi's ear.

"Suuuure..." Udon laughed...and sniffed.

"Naruto are you sure about this one...?"

"Of course! Gaara and I are great friends now! He can also give me tips on the whole Kage thing...y'know."

"Next one..." all four sighed.

Naruto pouted and brought out the folder containing the next man's data.

Iruka read no farther than his name before shouting, "NO!"

"Iruka-sensei you didn't even read the whole thing!"

"Boy! I said NO!"

**Uchiha Itachi, Age 22; Ex-Missing-Nin**

**Eye Color: Black (red usually)**

**Hair Color: Black**

**Criminal Record: Many; First: Assassination of entire Uchiha Clan; Most Recent: Illegally buying mansion; Mental health is questionable.**

**Kekkei Genkai: Sharingan of the Uchiha Clan**

"You must have lost your _goddamn_ mind!" Iruka stated glaring at Naruto.

"But Iruka-sensei!"

"There is no way you can vindicate this one, Naruto!"

"Iru-"

"He's a _murderer_! He _kills_ people! He's _crazy_! And you expect me to allow you to live in the _same house_ as him? A big _mansion?_! The one **he** _illegally_ bought?"

"Whaan..! Iruka-sensei!"

"He must know every nook and cranny in that house and he will find you, Naruto! No matter where you hide, _he will find you!"_

"Iruka!"

"No one will be there to protect you! Who's strong enough to take him on? And you are going to put those two Uchihas in the same house?! Child, I have the right mind to use the belt on you right now!"

"But Iruka-sensei!"

"Naruto! There is _no way _you can justify this one!"

Naruto smirked and held out the picture of Uchiha Itachi for the group to see. "But he's hawt!"

Iruka face-faulted.

* * *

After many debates, shouts, giggles, whispers, arguments, agreements, threats and nosebleeds later... 

"I think we have our men." Konohamaru stated smugly.

"Yes," Naruto agreed. "I believe we do."

"Konohamaru, Moegi, Udon?" The blond questioned. "Would you do the honors?"

"Of course, boss!" The three shouted, took the list of selected male names, then opened and exited the heavy office doors.

The three Genins were greeted by a sea of hopeful looking men.

_"The Uke has made his decision!"_ Konohamaru called out, his voice resonating deep authority as if he was the trusted messenger of the almighty King. He ignored the shouts of protest from the other side of the door (_Dammit Konohamaru! I'mma be seme!)._

An immediate silence spread over the crowd of desperate males.

"The choices of the selected are..." the three began.

Bated breath.

Racing heartbeats.

Sweating palms.

The men in the crowd were restless, anxious to hear the results.

"Sasuke Uchiha." Moegi called out. A dark-haired boy smirked.

"Neji Hyuuga!" Udon shouted to the crowd. A white eyed boy chuckled.

"Sabuku No Gaara and Kankuro!" Konohamaru yelled.

The light-eyed boy glared heatedly at the quivering-in-excitement puppeteer.

"Shikamaru Nara! Chouji Akimichi! Shino Aburame! Rock Lee!" The genius scoffed, Chouji grinned and opened a bag of potato chips in celebration, Shino blinked, and Lee's triumphant dance took out nine other possible-contestants.

"Maito Gai, Hatake Kakashi and Asuma Sarutobi! ...Hmph...freakin' pedophiles..." Konohamaru stared at the celebrating men.

"Itachi Uchiha! Kiba Inuzuka! Sai and Kabuto Yakushi!" Udon sighed as he finished off the list. Sasuke was paralyzed in a state of utter shock at the name of his brother, while Itachi smirked _oh-so sexily_. Kiba and Akamaru howled in joy while Sai smiled brightly. Kabuto was already having naughty thoughts and a trail of blood slipped out of his left nostril.

"I apologize to all the others. They're many fish in the sea. Now hurry up and scat!" Moegi yelled, shooing the men away. "Except for the chosen fifteen, I don't want to see anyone else here!"

As everyone finally made their somber leave, the fifteen men walked up and stood in front of the three Genins, feeling unnaturally small compared to the eleven year olds.

"Here are the directions to the mansion, though I expect one of you already knows the way," Udon glanced at the brooding Itachi, "Be there at 7 PM tonight. Anyone late will not be allowed into the mansion. Dress to impress." After handing out small flyers of the given directions, the three kids bowed and re-entered the office.

"Did everything go well?" Naruto asked.

"Perfect!" the three grinned.

* * *

Seven o'clock came rather quickly as fifteen men stood in front of the towering well-decorated mansion. They smiled as a long black limousine pulled up to greet them. Coming out stood their favorite blond, in all his righteous, golden glory. 

There on his right-hand side was Iruka, in a dark suit as Naruto's Advisor, while the three familiar Genins wore familiar bodyguard attire with **'Konoha's Number One Uke Protection Squad' **in neon-yellow printed on the back of their thick vests. They'll make sure to take care of anyone who gets _too _unwantedly close to the blond.

Naruto smiled gently at the men and gestured towards the large expensive residence,

"Shall we enter?"

* * *

(1) Techincally, 'Ukette' isn't a word - but more of a mix of Uke and Bachelorette, so I don't think anyone can really tell me I spelled it wrong. Hence, me being the creator of the word, I therefore dub it _correct._

* * *

**myinukoi**: Please review. Yes, I _am_ aware that some of the selections are _extremely _weird, but please remember to vote off only **one** person in your review. I'm sure you'd like to vote off more than one, and personally - so do I - but we can't. _My opinion doesn't even count!_


	2. Heartbreaking Beauty and Dinner Schemes

**title:** The Ukette

**author:** myinukoi

**pairing(s):** Sasuke/Sai/Kakashi/Neji/Lee/Gai/Shikamaru/Chouji/Asuma/Shino/Kiba/Gaara/Kankuro/Kabuto/Itachi - Naruto

**rating:** T (Teen)

**warning:**BL (boy love), serious _ooc_ness, language, somewhat _au_ (still ninjas; just in a different environment).

**disclaimer: **Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

**Bold: Confessional Room

* * *

**

C h a p t e r 2: **Heartbreaking**** . Beauty . ****And**** . Dinner . ****Schemes

* * *

**

"...This is the fourth closet and yet _another_ bathroom. That ends our tour!" Moegi blushed in front of all the men.

"Thank you, young girl! You're youth inspiring tour truly made this experience all the more invigorating!" Gai beamed. Moegi sweatdropped.

"Ah," she began, "No probl--"

"Oi! Naruto said that you should all meet him in the entry hall!" Konohamaru cut off Moegi as he gestured for all the guys to follow.

As the fifteen men lined up in the entry hall, they were greeted by a grinning Naruto and an amused Iruka.

"Ah, you're all here!" Naruto beamed at the group of blushing men."Time to give out bedroom arrangements!"

The men groaned.

"Does anyone get to share a room with you?" Sai called out from the back.

Naruto blushed heavily. "Uh...no. Sorry."

The shinobi sighed, disappointed.

"Well, Iruka-sensei, d'you wanna help them out with the bedroom arrangements?"

"Of course, Naruto." The scar-nosed Chuunin turned to face the group of men. "There will be three to a room.

"In Bedroom Number One," Iruka glanced at his list, "...will be Nara Shikamaru, Rock Lee, and Inuzuka Kiba."

**Shikamaru's Confessional: Out of the **_**entire**_** group, I get the two most hyperactive retards! Can you believe that? Ugh...what troublesome bullshit. At least I'm not sharing a room with Gai-sensei...**

"Bedroom Two: Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Neji, and Sai."

**Sasuke Confessional: I share a room with my top two rivals for Naruto's heart: Sai and Hyuuga. And then I find out my brother is in the competition! If I don't win this, I'mma Chidori Sai's balls, Naruto! Be-li-eve it!**

Sasuke, Neji and Sai were glaring heatedly at each other but Iruka ignored them and continued with the next room.

"In Bedroom Number Three will be: Aburame Shino, Sabaku No Gaara, and Kankuro."

**Kankuro's Confessional: Is this a joke to them? They set me up with my psychotic brother, who hate's me even more now because I'm trying to steal his 'mate', and the dude who's still pissed at me for quitting at the Chuunin exams during our match. Is Naruto worth that...? (thinks of Naruto's ass) Yeah...definitely worth it. Definitely! Oh shit... (nosebleed...)**

"Bedroom Four," Iruka glanced once again at his sheet of paper attached to a clipboard, "Uchiha Itachi, Yakushi Kabuto, and oooh," Iruka chuckled, "Akamichi Chouji."

The group tried their hardest, using all the ninja training to bite back their laughter by glancing at random objects in the large hall while sending pity looks towards Chouji.

Sai wasn't even trying.

He rolled on the floor, giggling his ass off, and was only able to catch his breath while taking long, dramatic gasps.

Chouji, enraged at Sai's lack of pity and sympathy, kicked the giggling boy hard in his exposed stomach.

"_Hahaha_...ouch!" he began rolling around on the floor in pain.

Chouji uncharacteristically smirked.

"Okaaay..." Naruto chuckled a bit at their antics. "Please continue, Iruka-sensei."

"Right. And the last inhabitants for Bedroom Five are: Hatake Kakashi, Maito Gai and Sarutobi Asuma."

**Gai's Confessional: Hahaha! I am teamed up with my eternal rival, Kakashi! I must compete with him for the affections of... um...what was his name...? (sweatdrops) Er...the blond boy! Hahaha!**

"Get to your rooms but meet us at the dining hall in thirty-five minutes. Naruto will then get some personal time with all of you and decide who leaves." Iruka stated amused at their shocked expressions.

"We just got here and already somebody is leaving after dinner? Then what's the point of unpacking?" Kiba questioned.

"Well, if you are truly confident that you are the one for me," Naruto began, "Then you can unpack with no thoughts of having to leave tonight. If you think you are already going home, don't bother unpacking, come to dinner, and wait to get eliminated."

**Naruto's Confessional: Yeah. I can be philosophical like that.**

"Good enough for me, dobe." Sasuke said, taking his suitcase and marching up the stairs. The other fourteen followed.

"Damn, Iruka-sensei. This'll be fun!" Naruto gave his famous grin, promising mischief.

* * *

_In Bedroom 1:_

"Tch...how troublesome." Shikamaru muttered, slowly unpacking his luggage.

"Nara, if you say that 'T' word around me again..." Kiba left the threat in the air. Akamaru, who Kiba just pulled out from underneath his jacket, growled at the genius.

"Wow!" Shikamaru scoffed in mock astonishment, rolling his eyes and gesturing towards Kiba,"this one knows his alphabet..."

"Grrr...!" Kiba and Akamaru growled simotaneously.

Lee sighed, deciding that in Bedroom 1, he would be the peacemaker, a role that he played out all-too-well in life.

_In Bedroom 2:_

Glare.

Glare.

Glare.

_In Bedroom3:_

"O-okay," Kankuro stuttered, "I-I'm just gonna make myself comfortable r-right here." He stuttered, slowly taking a seat on the bed, conveniently closest to the door.

"No." Gaara said glaring at Kankuro, "That's my bed."

"O-o-of course, Gaara. I'll just sit over here..." he said, bowing an apology to his younger brother and moving to the bed on the opposite side of the room, near the window.

He was roughly shoved to the floor by an irate irate bug lover. Kankuro gazed up at Shino, in shock at the stoic teen's rude behavior.

"I stay by the window." He said in a dull, monotone voice. "I need the fresh air if I'll be staying in a room with _you_."

"S-Sure..." Kankuro stuttered again, and moved to the only bed left.

Right in between the two boys..

**Kankuro's Confessional: Damn it all!**

He wearily lied down on the bed, sighing as the warm blankets over-rode his fear-filled nightmares of Suna desert sand and vicious chakra-sucking insects.

_In Bedroom 4:_

"Kabuto." Itachi asked, packing away his underwear. "Where is the fatass?"

The said boy shrugged, "I dunno. I heard he was making dinner..."

"For us all?" the eldest Uchiha asked glancing at the medic-nin...

"Yeah," Kabuto shrugged again. "I guess."

"Ugh...his food will make me gain horridly, flabby love handles on my perfectly sculpted, heavenly hips."

Kabuto sighed and rolled his eyes.

**Kabuto's Confessional: Honestly, we all know the man is fucking gorgeous. No one's denying that... but, dammit, does he have to remind us every minute of everyday? As if we don't feel self-conscious enough already... I mean, he is bunking with a Porky Pig and a...well...**_**me!**_

"What's that you got there?" Itachi asked, turning away from his daily 'mirror-posing' and putting back on his dark shirt, to look at vial in Kabuto's hands.

"Oh! This!" Kabuto chuckled shyly. "My medication. If I don't take some, I'll be snoring like a grizzly bear all night."

"Well then, you better not forget to down it. I better not loose my beauty sleep because of your roaring racket. If all goes well, dammit, I might wake up looking better than I do now!" Itachi then re-faced the mirror to practice his 'sexy-smirks'.

"You can look better than you do now?" Kabuto wondered idly.

"Hm...?" Itachi wondered. "Probably not. But it never hurts to try."

**Kabuto's Confessional: I. Hate. Him. **

_In Bedroom 5:_

"D'ya think Naruto is into older guys?" Kakashi wondered aloud.

"Age does not matter, dear eternal rival, Hatake Kakashi, as long as the blazing fire of youth continues to burns vibrantly in our youthful souls!" Gai beamed.

"He is into that elder Uchiha though..." Kakashi wondered again, seemingly ignoring Gai.

"The elder Uchiha that destroyed his clan in a single night? Well, it does not matter! I will work ten times harder than my eternal rival, Hatake Kakashi, to protect this...blond boy...and prove my undying, and ever-so-youthful love to him!" Gai pumped a fist into the air.

"Yeah, but did you _see_ Itachi?" Asuma asked Kakashi tapping his chin in wonderment, "He looks ten times better than all of us put together! No wonder he has to wear a cloak that covers half of his face! If not, the fangirls would rip him apart - unrivaled ninja skills or not!"

"But our wistful and youthful personalities can surely overpower the cold shell of the broody Itachi Uchi-" Gai began loudly, but was cut off.

"Yeah, Asuma," Kakashi sighed dejectedly, "I heard from Iruka that Naruto picked Itachi without even reading his background, only seeing his picture."

"Yet surely-" Gai was once again cut off by the depressed men.

"Should we show Naruto what a horrible person Itachi really is?" Asuma asked the Copy-Cat nin inquisitively.

"Fellow comrades...!" Again, cut off. Poor Gai.

"No. Naruto's bright (though you could hardly tell), and if Itachi is truly the man we all know him to be, Naruto will step in and eliminate Itachi like I know he will." Kakashi said, immediately brightening up at the thought.

Gai sweatdropped and face-faulted all too dramatically, catching the attention of his two roommates.

Silence.

"Sorry, Gai. Did you say something?" Kakashi asked, raising a silver eyebrow that became instantly hidden beneath his Leaf-engraved head protector.

The ego-damaged, abusedly-neglected Taijutsu master face-faulted and sweatdropped again...tenfold.

**

* * *

**

Half an hour later, all fifteen men were gathered around the large dining table as well as The Uke, The Advisor, and of course, Konoha's Number One Uke Protection Squad. Can't let The Uke out of their sight now, could they?

As the guests took their seats, Chouji, along with many chefs and servants, came harboring plates and plates of hot, steaming food. A different dish was placed in front of all the guest.

Chouji took his seat and grinned proudly as the men...and Moegi, began to munch happily on their dinner.

"Mphwyou, Fchwougi! Gfverrry gwyaummy!" Naruto smiled as best as he could with barbeque ribs jutting out of his mouth.

Iruka, who has been on many ramen dates with Naruto and already a qualified expert at what was offically dubbed, 'Naruto Food Talk', took the liberty to translate.

"Wow, Chouji! Very yummy!" Iruka translated the blond's incomprehensible speech. He then talked to Chouji on his on accord. "Naruto barly ever eats anything other than ramen. I don't know how you did it, but this is definitely earning some extra points for you!"

Chouji smirked.

Shikamaru, who was sitting conveniently next to his overweight best friend, turned towards the obviously proud boy. "Why'd you decide to make something troublesome and messy for Naruto like," he shuddered as Naruto took another sloppy bite from the coated rib, "_barbeque ribs_."

Chouji turned his sadistic smirk towards his best friend. "Shikamaru, Shikamaru, Shikamaru." He shook his head in mock disappointment. "And here they call you intelligent." He then grinned. "A man's brain capacity isn't mearly judged by a biased IQ test." Shikamaru, shocked by his friend's mature behavior and utter eloquent vocabulary, could only listen.

"Creating a culinary dish other than ramen, is _only_ able to get me more brownie-points than the rest of you slackers. It's only so obvious that I can please him in _all_ areas. Bigger is better, as they say. Anyways, I don't recall your _troublesome_ ass, or any of theirs," the plump boy glanced around at the thirteen other Semes, "doing something for the blond. And besides all that, I still get a _great_ dessert..." Chouji said, eyes twinkling mischievously as he leered at the oblivious blond.

Naruto, finished with his meal, began slowly and languidly licking the brown barbeque sauce off his fingers in a unbelievably suggestive way, but once his hands were spit-shine clean (literally) he looked at his guests only to find them unconscious in a pool of blood and drool.

A sad sight indeed.

* * *

Once all fifteen men recovered, they were led into a large intricately-decorated round room that could not easily be mistaken with another. 

The Elimination Room.

There, on a red table clothed desk on the right side of The Uke, were fouteen laid out ramen cups, standing tall in all their styrofoam glory.

**Iruka's Confessional: We asked him, **_**begged**_** him, to choose something more...romantic. Roses? Chocolate? Teddy bears?! (shakes head) Freakin' ramen cups! **

"Ah," Naruto sighed. "I'm sad to see someone leave, but it's necessary. I need to get these contestants narrowed down as soon as possible. Yet remember what you all promised me. Once this is over with, we'll still be friends, got it?" When the men nodded their confirmation, the blond continued. "Good. Let's see here, the first cup shall be handed to..."

Pause.

"Hyuuga Neji."

The Byakugan-user smirked, coming to greet the blond and roughly hitting Sasuke and Sai in the shoulder on his way to him. They glared molten holes in his back, but his sneer wavered not once as he kissed the blond hand gently and accepted the cup that had his name, surprisingly, printed intricately in golden thread at the bottom base of the cup.

As he walked back to his previous position he was so caught up in the joy of his name being called first that he bearly heard the, "Chouji Akimichi," leak from the blond's pink lips.

**Sai's Confessional: Hell. No. He did not pick that tub of **_**nasty-ass **_**lard before **_**me.**_

Chouji accepted the ramen cup, smirking cruelly at Shikamaru the entire time. They might be friends, but this was a competition, and he has to take down everyone that got in his way.

"Uchiha Itachi!" The blond blushed when the crimson eyes looked his way. The man slowly sauntered (AN: Thanks Chibi-Strawberry.) towards the Kyuubi-vessel, grabbed the cup in one hand and Naruto's cheek with the other. He slowly bent down and whispered something into the blond's ear that had the former blushing so brilliantly he could rival the color of the Uchiha's Sharingan.

"Uh..erm...maybe later, Itachi, m'kay...?" Blush. Blush. "Er...Uchiha Sasuke!" The blond called the next name after quickly gathering his wits.

The younger Uchiha grumbled as he made his way towards Naruto.

**Sasuke's Confessional: Dammit! Why does Itachi get all my ukes? Am I not hot, mysterious, and broodingly sexy? Damn you, Itachi! I can make Naruto blush too!**

As Sasuke accepted his cup, he bent down and whispered the dirtiest thing his poor anger-coated brain could think of.

Naruto blinked.

And blinked.

And...

...blinked one more time.

Then disgust morphed his usually care-free features into a gruesome scowl as he roughly pushed the Uchiha away, muttering how he was a horrible ecchi-ecchi hentai and that if he even tries that shit with him, he will get his poor ass eliminated so fast he'll be suffering the whip-lash for weeks.

Sasuke, angrier now more than ever, passed a happily smirking Sai and Neji to return to his original post. He glared at Itachi, and became even more irate when he saw Itachi mouth the words, 'It's all in the tone. You lack the Uchiha's infamous sexy tone, little brother.'

Naruto, still glaring at Sasuke - who was still glaring at Itachi, decided to continue.

"Aburame Shino." The bug user collected his cup without sparing a glance at anyone but the blond.

"Nara Shikamaru." The genius muttered a quick 'troublesome' before retrieving his cup as well.

And the cups were slowly disappearing, as Kakashi, Rock Lee, Asuma, Kiba, Sai, Gaara, and Kankuro were selected.

And that meant only two Semes and one ramen cup remained.

Gai and Kabuto nervously waited for The Uke's final decision.

The name of the chosen lay on the bottom base of the final ramen cup. The future-departer only known by three Genins, a fatherly advisor, and a blond uke.

As Naruto was about to call out the final name and lift the cup, his knees buckled.

Many gasps echoed through the group of men but Naruto quickly stuttered an, "I'm fine," before preparing to continue.

That was, until he felt a searing pain in his head. He dropped the cup and it rolled under the hidden confinements of the crimson-draped table. He pulled at his hair, before a searing white-hot pain collided with his forehead and his world went black.

Before the group could even grasp what happened, much less help the blond, his eyes snapped open and his cerulean orbs resembled two cloudy blue crystal balls.

He suddenly stood up rigidly and walked as if he was the living dead. To say the least, everyone was quite freaked out.

Naruto then lunged and latched onto Kabuto, kissing him senseless. Sasuke, recovering from the shock first, immediately went over to pull Kabuto off of his precious about-to-be-raped Naruto (he was obviously in denial that it was _Naruto _doing the molesting), when he was stopped by a pale hand. He followed it up to glare at no other than Itachi.

"Let me take care of this, little brother. I don't see how yet, but I'm sure you will find a way to screw this up. I, however, already found the solution to this..." He glanced down at the snogging couple, "...horrible, horrible mishap."

Itachi picked Naruto effortlessly off of Kabuto, and kicked the gray-haired teen in the stomach.

"Naruto," Itachi began, "was drugged with a very powerful, illegal aphrodisiac. It is a clear, odorless liquid that can easily be placed and undetected in, more or less, any food or drink. The aphrodisiac is very near irresistible. I know from personal experience thanks to-" He shuddered. "-many, many, many fangirls. This rat," Another kick in the gut for Kabuto, "must have snuck into the kitchen and drugged the barbeque sauce for Naruto's ribs."

Chouji blushed and Shikamaru smirked.

**Shikamaru's Confessional: Not so high and mighty are you now, big guy?**

"Wait," Sai interrupted, in hopes of making the elder Uchiha look bad, "if you figured all of this out, how do you know it was Kabuto who put it in the food? It could be someone else. You could have drugged him yourself, _rescued_ him, and explain all this crap - just to make yourself look good." Sai nodded, proud of his defense.

Itachi rolled his eyes. "I bunk with Kabuto. I know these things." He sighed. "Let me explain..."

Flashback:

In Bedroom 4:

_"What's that you got there?" Itachi asked, turning away from his daily 'mirror-posing' and putting back on his dark shirt, to look at vial in Kabuto's hands._

_"Oh! This!" Kabuto chuckled shyly. "My medication. If I don't take some, I'll be snoring like a grizzly bear all-night."_

Flashback End

"I, technically owning the mansion, was able to get onto the internet and do some quick-research before dinner..."

Flashback:

_Itachi shifted the wire-rimmed glasses on his nose awkwardly as he stared at the computer screen._

_"Hn... I was right," Itachi smirked, "That's no sleep medication. Looking here..." He trailed off as he scrolled down a list of alliances with Orochimaru, wincing inwardly at his brother's name, and saw that indeed, Kabuto was a perfectly well sleeper__. As well as a top-rated drug-brewer..._

_He clicked a link to reveal more of Kabuto's self-made drugs. Idiotically, there was a large picture of a very familiar colorless drug that made large profits in the black market (most sellings going to Uchiha fangirls...). _

_Right next to it, was a recipe for the antidote._

Flashback End

"And so, I have this..." He showed the Semes a vial of a crimson-colored fluid (the antidote) and slipped the entire contents into the wailing blond's mouth.

He then raised a single black-painted fingernail in the air and called out, "Konoha's Number One Uke Protection Squad!" His soft dark hair cast an ominous shadow over his eyes, only to have his head shoot back upward, crimson irises flashing dangerously as he gracefully brought his finger down onto the currently squirming-in-pain Kabuto. "Go!"

The three Genins, previously surprised that such a high-ranking ninja would put so much faith in them with a loyal subordinate to Orochimaru, quickly abandoned their state of shock to smirk coyly.

"We have the perfect weapon!" Kohamaru stated in utmost confidence.

Smirk. Smirk. Sniff.

Moegi quickly went to retrieve a black leather suitcase. Within the leather suitcase was a dark red box. Within the dark red box was a smaller green box. Within the smaller green box was an orange nylon bag...

...and twenty-five protective/secretive cases later, the three kids came upon a light brown envelope.

"We must ask-" Sniff. "-that all Semes-" Sniff. "-please turn around-" Sniff. "-in order to protect one's-" Sniff. Sniff. "-vital blood supply." Udon finished, with a final sniff.

**Iruka's Confessional: We really need to get Udon something to take care of that runny nose.**

The Semes looked at the eleven year old skeptically. Who is he to boss them around? They can tear him limb from lim-

Itachi, who was already turned around, and seemingly predicting the other men's thoughts, called to the men coldly. "The boy said 'Turn around'."

Without hesitance, all fifteen men (including Iruka, can never be too careful) turned around. Moegi, the only one in the residence fully qualified to establish the Ultimate Weapon, opened the envelope and placed the photo in plain view of the quite curious Kabuto.

Kabuto, feeling the blood pressure in his head become far too unbearable, sent a shooting waterfall of warm red blood spurting out of his nose, sending him twenty feet across the room and hitting the far right wall. Slumping to the ground, ivory pieces of plaster followed him down as large faults cracked the wall from the forceful impact.

Moegi, under qualified training, swiftly put the photo back into it's many confinements, before the Semes could even turn around to take a peek at the horrible incident.

But when the did turn around, it would be an understatement to say they were shocked to find an unconscious Kabuto, a wide crimson trail of blood, and three Genins posing Charlie's Angel style.

"Never mess with Konoha's Number One Uke Protection Squad, if your not able to handle the consequences!" They chanted, out of what one could bet, many days of practice.

The room was silent until a cheering Gai and Lee broke the uncomfortable quiet.

"Yea! Woot! Never underestimate the power of Youth!" Gai cheered.

"Their utmost vitality and heroic efforts to save their precious Naruto never ceases to amaze me!" Lee cried.

The crowd, ignoring them, opted instead to let their gazes follow Itachi as he carried Naruto up to his quarters. Iruka was tempted to make the Uke Squad follow him, yet seeing how they were basking in the praise Lee and Gai were pouring onto them, he chose to do so himself.

"Ah! Gai-sensei! Do you know what this means!" Lee asked in wonderment, tears threatening to spill out.

"Yes dear prodigy! It means that I will not be eliminated!" He cheered as medic-nins carried the unconscious Kabuto away. It was quite obvious he would be hospitalized for the rest of the competition.

Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon, left through the double doors. The Semes were alone with their thoughts.

Asuma, who hasn't said much, broke the silence. "I wonder what was with the photo."

Suddenly, Konohamaru's head poked back through the doors, "A naked picture of a soaking, wet Naruto. Don't force us to use it on you." He left just as quickly.

The group shuddered at the thought of how much blood the photo would be able to steal, and made sure to never underestimate the Genins again.

"Hehe! Well," Gai yawned, "I shall be retiring to my room. I bid you all farewell," he bowed, "and sweet dreams."

Just as he was about to make his departure to his bedroom, Konohamaru's head poked back out through the heavy doors.

"No, _actually,"_ he sighed and showed the final cup to the group of men, including Gai-sensei, who was shocked to see Kabuto's name instead of his. "You're still eliminated. So, you have to go." And with that Konohamaru left for his final departure of the night, abandoning the two Taijutsu masters to their tears.

_Later in Bedroom 2:_

Three dark-haired men lay flat on their beds, tired, after a rather intense glaring match.

"Itachi is definitely the kitsune's favorite now." Sai mumbled wearily.

"Yeah...do you think this whole thing is just a huge illusion? A twisted genjutsu manifested by his Mangeyko Sharingan?" Neji wondered idly aloud.

Pause.

Baited silence.

"That definitely seems like something Aniki would do, just to feel better about himself." Sasuke sneered.

* * *

**myinukoi**: The vote was so close between Gai and Kabuto (including reviews that were counted before chapter one was resubmitted), I decided to get rid of them both. 

Kabuto wasn't_ technically_ eliminated, but he would've been anyway once Naruto came to... and Gai was voted off so everyone's happy. I bet you thought I was gonna let him stay for a bit there, didn't you? Naw, I listen to my reviewers.

_Please note, I put uke and seme with a capital 'U' and 'S' intentionally because that is how the group of men and Naruto will be identified. They are proper nouns now!_


	3. Happy Birthday to You!

**title:** The Ukette

**author:** myinukoi

**pairing(s):**

Sasuke/Sai/Kakashi/Neji/Lee/Shikamaru/Chouji/Asuma/Shino/Kiba/Gaara/Kankuro/Itachi - Naruto

**rating:** T (Teen)

**warning:**BL (boy love), serious _ooc_ness, language, somewhat _au_.

**disclaimer: **Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

**Bold: Confessional Room**

**

* * *

**

C h a p t e r 3: **Happy** **. Birthday . ****To**** . You .

* * *

**

Naruto sat up and stretched. He yawned and glanced at the digital clock at the side of his bed.

_9:34 AM? Naw...I think I'll go back to sleep._

As he was ready to cuddle back into the thick plush blankets, a strong arm grabbed him by the waist and pulled him right back down to the bed and against a lean, hard body.

Naruto, who was scared shitless and more than ready to scream his lungs out, instead opted to use his common sense for once and he quietly turned around to look at his bed mate.

To say he was surprised is a major understatement, because snoozing in his bed like there was no tomorrow, was Uchiha Itachi.

Naruto gazed at the sleeping Uchiha... _Aww... he looks kind of cute right now. Y'know...not like a crazy-kin-murdering psycho. How adorable!_

Just as the blond was prepared to go into a kawaii-rant...a horrible thought struck him.

_Oh. My. God. We didn't...y'know..._do it_, did we? Fuck, I was saving that for the winner of this competition! Wait...He took me when I was intoxicated! Who cares how hot he is? I have the right mind to wake everyone in the house, start an Elimination Ceremony, and get his ass out right now!_

Naruto, in a sudden stroke of brilliance, decided to actually confirm his thoughts before rousing the entire house and proclaiming false rumors... about himself, no less.

He slowly lifted up the sheets of the blanket and gazed down at two... fully-clothed bodies.

He sighed.

**Naruto's Confessional: To tell you the truth, sometimes **_**I'm **_**even shocked by my own stupidity.**

He slid out of bed gingerly, all the while ignoring the unconscious arm that was blindly trying to grab onto him, or _anything_ warm. He went to the bathroom, did his daily grooming, quickly changed out of his pajamas, and went downstairs to the mansion's Dining Hall.

He was greeted by thirteen feasting men. He smiled.

**Naruto's Confessional: It's like one big giant sleep over! Except everyone here wants to get in my pants...**

Naruto sat at the head of the large table again, and smiled warmly at all the 'Ohayo!'s and 'Good Morning!'s that greeted him.

He quickly began to chow down on his daily breakfast of ramen and milk before being interrupted by Kiba.

"Dude. That's _so_ not healthy..." The inu pointed out observantly.

"Well, I'm not fat so it's healthy enough." Naruto replied offhandedly.

"But it's not a breakfast." Kiba countered back.

Udon listened to the conversation intently. It's good to know someone is looking out for Naruto's health. The blond'll need someone to take care of him and make sure he stays healthy. Kiba seems firm enough to do just that. He makes a mental note to bring this rewarding characteristic up when discussing Eliminations tonight.

"Of course it's breakfast! Are you blind?" At Kiba's blank look, the blond continued. "Look!" He said, chopsticks dipping into the broth. "Here's some eggs. The same thing that's on your plate, ne?"

Kiba blinked.

"And here's some pork!" Naruto showed the boy the meat. "Just like the bacon on your plate, too!"

Kiba blinked again.

"What about my toast?" Kiba questioned.

Naruto blinked.

"What kind of square eats toast?" Naruto laughed.

The men, at hearing this comment, quickly hid their half-eaten bread from the blond's view.

_"Uh huh."_ Kiba nodded and continued with his meal.

The rest of breakfast went on uneventfully, save for the few arguments of 'Who deserves Naruto', and 'Which is better: Orange or apple juice?'.

Chouji, who was unusually silent, decided to speak up a bit.

"Hey Naruto? Where's Itachi?"

At the question, the entire room focused their attention towards the blond.

**Chouji's Confessional: (scowl) Itachi went to take the blond to his room after he passed out last night, but I don't recall him returning...**

Naruto, known to never think before speaking, was ready to truthfully reply, "In my bedroom, of course."

But, he quickly steadied himself before he could sprout out the entire sentence, and instead opted for stuttering.

The men gave each other weary glances.

"Itachi?" Kakashi mused. "Well isn't he your roommate? How are you not to know where he is?"

"Simple, Kakashi-san." Chouji replied, once again, eloquently. "After he took Naruto to his room, he didn't return to our quarters. Is it wrong of me to be suspicious?"

The Semes attention returned to the blond.

"Itachi? Um..er..why would you...er...need to know..where...he is?"

"Naruto..." Sai began, "What are you-"

But he never got to finish his sentence as Iruka quickly ran into the room breathless, calendar in hand.

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto beamed. "Ohayo!" he greeted, unaware of the panic on his ex-sensei's face.

"Naruto. Uke Squad. We need to talk right now!" Iruka panted.

Looking slightly worried, the four nin's left the room and bowed in apology to the dining men.

"What is it, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto asked hurriedly, as soon as they stepped into the private meeting room of the Uke, Advisor, and Squad.

"Look." He pointed to the calendar on the days date: September 19.

"So what?" Udon asked.

"Now look at these two dates!" Iruka pointed to the two dates and Naruto gasped. September 15 and September 22. Oh fuck! How could he forget?

"What is it Uke, sir?" Konohamaru asked, intrigued.

"Dammit Konohamaru! Seme! Seme! Not Uke! If you're gonna learn naughty words, get 'em right, you little twirp!" Naruto huffed and smacked the eleven year old on the head, momentarily forgetting his previous panic.

"Ay, ay...but the dates...?" he questioned again.

Naruto's face fell.

"What kind of friend am I? How could I forget Kakashi-sensei's and Shikamaru's birthday?"

* * *

Naruto re-entered the dining hall with a huge grin on his face. Itachi, who decided to wake up a few minutes ago, smirked at the sight. 

**Itachi's Confessional: I doubt Naruto told anything to the other men of my...sleeping arrangements last night. But, I have a feeling they already know**...

The eldest Uchiha ignored the death glares and whispered threats being thrown at him.

"Naruto!" Sai beamed, "You're back."

Naruto nodded.

"Did you decide what we're going to do today?" Sasuke questioned.

"Well...kinda!" Naruto grinned again.

"Well?" Rock Lee asked. "What task shall we need to complete to prove our undying loyalty to you?" The Taijutsu master asked ever-so-youthfully.

Naruto winced. "Actually, I wanted to celebrate something..."

"What?" Garra asked, a formidable feeling in his gut let him know that this won't be exactly good news.

Naruto brightened up again."Kaka's and Shika's birthday of course."

Silence.

"You wanna celebrate our birthdays?" Shikamaru questioned.

Naruto nodded perkily.

"So...how are we gonna celebrate it, Na-ru-chan?" Kakashi smirked evilly under his mask, all the while leering at the blond.

Naruto, squirming a bit under his old sensei's gaze, yet nonetheless replied, "I'mma take you both out on a date. We''ll be spending the entire day together."

Kakashi and Shikamaru smirked.

"What about us? What are we going to do while you're on you little _dates_?" Neji asked, not bothering to hide his jealousy.

At this Iruka spoke up."You're going to continue on as you usually do. But be on your best behavior, because we," He addressed himself and the Uke Squad, "shall be _watching."_

At this the men looked queasy. After last night, they didn't feel entirely comfortable in the Genin's presence.

Naruto, ignoring the Semes discomfort, continued on, "Well, you seem to be done eating, and I'm bored, so let's start a date now!"

"No problem!" Kakashi stood up from his meal, "I'll go first."

"No you won't, old man!" Shikamaru countered, pulling on the Jounin's arm and forcing him back into the seat. "I'm going first."

As the two nin's bickered, Naruto came to a solution. "Tic-Tac-Toe?"

"..The fuck? Tic-Tac-Toe?" The two asked in unison.

The blond pouted a pout that made all the Seme's in the room want to rape him. "Well, if you don't like my idea..." He sniffled.

But the two men already had a pen and paper out and were beginnning the game.

Konohamaru chuckled. "He's such an Uke..."

Naruto, hearing this, abruptly turned away from the dueling men. "Konohamaru!"

Unsurprisingly, Shikamaru won the challenge...seventeen times in a row.

"So Shika! Where'd ya wanna go?" The blond asked the lazy teen as they stepped out of the mansion and squinted as they met the harsh, golden rays of day.

The said boy shrugged, "Anywhere you wanna go."

Naruto was confused. Iruka said it was polite when going on a date to ask your partner where they wanted to go instead of immediately choosing his favorite place. (Mmmm...Ichiraku...).

Naruto decided to pick some place un-troublesome.

"I heard there's this new restaurant near the Academy. Wanna go?" The blond suggested.

The nin raised an eyebrow at the blond's choice. _No Ichiraku...? _He pondered before shrugging and branding the thoughts as troublesome. He headed off towards the Academy and the blond followed happily.

* * *

"Ouch. Ow. Ouch. Ow." Naruto muttered and rubbed his abused head. 

Naruto and Shikamaru were offered the only table available on such a busy day...the worst table in the entire joint.

"Who in their - Itai! - right minds would put a table here, of all places?"

Shikamaru and Naruto's table was located in the corner of the room, smack-dab in the middle of the two doors leading to the bathroom and the kitchen.

Shikamaru sat on the side of the table where the door to the kitchen would continually open, and bang him on the head, as waiters and waitresses exited and entered frequently and hurriedly.

Naruto sat on the side of the table where the customers would continually go to the bathroom and the door would, just as Shikamaru's door did, hit him in the back of the head every time it was opened.

"Gosh," Thump! "When will our food get here?" Naruto asked impatiently.

"Tch...Naruto." Thump! "You're so troublesome." The dark-haired nin muttered, drumming his fingers along the edge of the table.

"Hmph," The blond pouted, "If I am so trouble-" Thump! "-some, you should have just stayed at home and never entered this competition. You know, I was most curious," Thump! "...as to why you were here, anyway." The blond turned his head away from the other boy's lazy, yet observant, gaze.

His feelings were obviously hurt.

Shikamaru sighed, "Naruto...you _are_ troublesome." Thump! "But a good kind of troublesome..."

Naruto raised a golden eyebrow in confusion. "A _good_ kind of troublesome?" He questioned.

By now, the boys were so into their conversation, they ignored the vicious hits to the head given to them by customers and employees alike.

"In case you haven't noticed," The brunet began, "I consider everything troublesome. Even things that aren't remotely troublesome. So, I needed a way to distinguish the good kind of troublesome from the bad kind of troublesome."

Naruto listened on, intrigued.

"_Bad_ kinds of troublesome," The nin continued, "are things that I have to put effort into, even when I get no, or very little reward in return. Like cleaning dishes when my mom could obviously do it..." He trailed off, obviously enraptured in his own thoughts.

"Oh...I get it. So then, _good_ troublesome is..." Naruto waited for the answer.

"_Good_ troublesome, is when I put in effort, but my outcome is equal to or greater than the effort exerted."

"Oh," Naruto brightened up, his hurt immediately washing away, "And I'm the _good_ troublesome!"

The other boy nodded.

Naruto frowned a bit again, "And that means..."

The genius face-faulted.

"It means," Shikamaru began again, "that no matter what effort I into this competition, you will always be worth it." The boy sighed exasperatedly.

**Shikamaru's Confessional: Jeez! So troublesome...**

Naruto put on a teary pout.

"Really..?" The blond asked.

"Really." The opposite boy confirmed.

Just as Naruto was ready to glomp the lazy nin to the floor, their food came.

"Here you are. I hope you will enjoy...?" A man with a long mustache and a thick accent, placed the food in front of the two boys. The blond then recalled the waiter as being extremely rude to him earlier and was suspicious of his intentions. He glanced at the two doors labeled: 'Bathroom' and 'Kitchen'.

"We could, but that all depends...which door you came out of?" He said, glaring suspiciously at his 'chocolate mousse'.

* * *

"That's gonna cause an ant problem..." Udon trailed off as he stared at the large screen picturing Chouji stashing sweets, chips, and other unhealthy varieties of food into his sock drawer. 

The four nins resided in a large dark control room, decked out in panels and many complicated buttons. But the biggest object in the room was undoubtedly the large flat-screen that was connected to surveillance cameras littered throughout the mansion.

"This is so boring! I thought spying on these guys was going to be fun!" Konohamaru whined.

The other two children nodded their head in agreement.

"Oh! Stop sulking! It's not that boring! I'm sure we can get some juicy dirt here somewhere..." Iruka trailed off as he flipped through the channels of each room.

Kakashi was getting ready for his date with the blond later on. Rock Lee was practicing taijutsu. Kiba and Akamaru were sneaking into Chouji's room to steal some snacks as the heavy boy slept soundlessly on his bed. Gaara and Shino were bullying Kankuro... And the rest of the men were placing large bets on who would win the glaring contest: Sasuke or Neji, as Sai sat back and drew penises. Hm? All seems as normal and dull as always...

"Wait!" Udon pointed out. "Where's Itachi?"

The others stared at her surprised but Iruka quickly went through the room's cameras and no Itachi was to be found.

"Do you think he could have rigged his camera?" Moegi asked.

"But I thought he didn't know about this room?" Udon sniffed.

"Uurrgh! This is so confusing! Isn't he supposed to be bunking with Chouji?" Konohamaru exclaimed frustrated.

Iruka sighed.

_Where is Itachi...?

* * *

_

"Wow, Shikamaru! I had a great time...except for that waiter..." Naruto recalled.

Shikamaru chuckled.

"I had fun too, Naruto."

They both stood outside the mansion's large front doors. Shikamaru bravely leaned down and pressed his lips against Naruto's.

The kiss was short yet sweet. When they broke apart. Naruto giggled, looked down, and blushed.

"Ha-Happy birthday, Sh-Shikamaru!" Naruto stuttered, embarrassed.

**Shikamaru's Confessional: Score!**

"And it was a very good one, thanks to you Naruto." Shikamaru kissed his cheek, before disappearing into the house.

Naruto who was still basking in the afterglow of his first kiss (during the competition) and waited uncharacteristically patiently for Kakashi to come outside.

**Naruto's Confessional: Damn sensei! Always late...**

Kakashi took one last look in the mirror, shrugged, and went outside to greet Naruto.

"You're late." Naruto said dully.

"Fashionably late!" The Jounin beamed.

Naruto stared at his sensei.

_Looks the same to me... _He inwardly shrugged.

"Okay, let's go!" he cheered pumping a fist into the air.

Kakashi chuckled.

"Where'd ya wanna go?" The blond questioned. This time, the blond was secretly hoping the Jounin would say he didn't care, because even though he just had lunch with Shikamaru, he had a serious need for Ichiraku's at that moment.

Yet, luck was not on the kitsune's side as Kakashi grabbed his hand and dragged him across town to the place where he had been dying to go all year...

* * *

"Moegi," Konohamaru asked unsurely...do you think you can do this?" 

"Who else can?" she asked smirking, holding her equipment in her hand.

She was right. Konohamaru was too hyper, Iruka was too big, and Udon's nose was too noisy.

And only a girl can get this right.

"Okay." Iruka ruffled her hair playfully. "Good luck. And I'll make sure you get some extra-credit points for stealth and bravery...if you succeed that is."

"Of course I'll succeed!" She huffed, offended. "Have a little faith in me, please?" She asked annoyed.

The guys nodded offhandedly and she walked out of the secret control room.

_Now_, she sighed, _to find that Itachi_...

* * *

"Kakashi," Naruto began, no longer using the 'sensei' suffix, seeing as they were on a date. "I can't believe you brought me here." 

"Oh, but Naruto," Kakashi pouted (at least the blond thought he did; the masks covers all...) as he picked his selected item off a shelf. "I've been dying to go here for ages! If you look around, I'm sure you will find something that you like."

Naruto glanced boredly around the massive room with endless hallways and doors. It was like a huge complicated maze that only the most experienced, such as his date, would be able to navigate through easily and comprehensibly.

The Twenty-Second Annual Icha Icha Paradise Comic Convention.

"Ugh...Kakashiiiii!" the blond whined. "This is sooo boring!"

"How is it boring Naruto? There's tons of sections here that you should look around."

"But...!" The blond began.

"Look," the silver-haired man pointed towards a section packed with many teenage boys and rough-looking girls. "There's the Shojo-Ai/Yuri section."

"I don't want to..!"

"And there!" he pointed to another section filled with an endless variety of people. "Is the Heterosexual section. Though I can understand if you don't want to go over there. Het is so boring and overrated in my opinion."

Naruto tried to interrupt again, but his efforts were in vain.

"And oooh! The Threesome/Orgy section. Yummy." Naruto swore he saw the Jounin's eyes glaze over, and is that drool wetting his mask?

"And I may never understand why you wouldn't like the Shounen-Ai/Yaoi Section..." The man muttered as the most popular section was surrounded by girls, of all ages, with massive nosebleeds and high-pitched squeals.

Naruto sighed.

"This is the only place where I truly feel at home." Kakashi smiled.

"Oi! Kaka-sensei!" Naruto suddenly exclaimed, and pointed to a mob of people hounding an old white-haired man.

"It's the Man of the Hour! Jiraiya!" A deep voice boomed over the intercom.

"Come on!" Naruto grabbed his sensei's hand. "Let's go greet Jiraiya-sensei!"

Kakashi couldn't help but smile at the blond's cheerfulness.

'I knew he'd get into it sooner or later...'

_

* * *

_

Moegi carefully tip-toed to the only room she didn't check. Unsurprisingly, the door was slightly ajar and light was slipping from the room into the dark hallway. This was just like those scenes in those horror movies she watched, where the stupid girl enters the room where certain death awaits.

And yet, driven by pure curiosity, she continued to trek further towards the mysterious room anyway.

She had to hold in a startled gasps as she saw Itachi, shirtless and staring at himself in a ridiculously large mirror while posing and making unbelievably self-centered comments.

"Oooh! So sexy!"

"Pout, Itachi! Pout!"

"Much finer than Sasuke! So much finer!"

She would have had a nosebleed, but such narcissist comments were a turn off.

Yet, she then got an idea. Quietly slipping into the room, she was glad that the Uchiha didn't notice. And she doubted that he would, seeing as he was so enraptured with himself.

She planted cameras in two corners of the room, installed necessary equipment, and quietly slipped back out.

She smirked to herself as she opened the steel door to the control room to where the three guys were waiting anxiously.

Iruka immediately turned to greet her. "Did you find him? Were you able to hook up the cameras? I still don't see him here. Did you get caught? Did he hurt you? Threaten you?" Iruka rambled on. He was always so over-protective when it came to one of his students. He treated them all like his children.

"Um...I think it's no problem. You missed it, but Itachi put a note on the desk in his room with Chouji saying that he was going for a walk. He'll be back in his room by tonight. I already threw the note away so you don't have to bother looking for it."

"Oh." The boys said in unison, feeling stupid about not thinking about it before.

"Well," Moegi sighed dramatically and feigned weariness, "I'm sooo tired. I'll just retire to my room, okay?"

The men nodded and Moegi took her leave.

As she closed the hidden metal door again and walked back to her room, she couldn't help but smirk at her self-proclaimed genius.

When she was hooking up the cameras, she made sure that they were not visible to the group in the control room, but she could view them personally when she'll come to collect the tapes every week. Those tapes could be used as blackmail, if he ever hurts Naruto.

**Moegi's Confessional: "It's always smart to have a trump card,'' Iruka would tell me. I'm just following his advice...**

She'll see what she can do with those tapes once the competition is over...

* * *

"Wow Kakashi! I had a great time! _And_ I'm full! Thank you for treating me to Ichiraku's! You even paid!" the blond beamed. 

Kakashi decided to take the blond out to his favorite restaurant after his stomach began to growl pretty loudly.

"No problem." The man smiled, hoisting up the five bags of Icha Icha comics Naruto got him for his birthday. Actually, Naruto didn't even have to pay for them. After many well-placed pouts, he was able to get Jiraiya to throw them in for free.

Naruto stood up on his toes and leaned forward to give his ex-sensei a peck on the cheek, seeing as his lips were covered up by his mask.

Naruto giggled when he saw the blush spreading up and past the Jounin's mask.

"Let's go back inside and let everyone know we've returned. Not to mention there's still the Elimination Ceremony." The Kyuubi-vessel frowned at the thought he would have to kick out another one of his friends.

* * *

Dinner was quick, seeing as the men were eager to see who would be eliminated. After a speedy meeting between the Uke, Advisor and Uke Squad, the Semes were in the familiar room with, this time, twelve ramen cups laid out upon the customary red clothed table. 

Naruto, tired and wanting to go to bed, wasted no time. He lifted up the first ramen cup of the night randomly and called out, "Sasuke Uchiha."

**Sasuke's Confessional: Hell Yes! Called first! Take that, Aniki!**

Sasuke smirked smugly at his nonchalant looking brother, accepted his ramen cup and pecked Naruto on the cheek; clearly remembering to do no more thanks to last night's occurrence.

The blond blushed and rubbed his cheek. 'That felt nice,'he thought, but quickly returned to the subject at hand.

The next to be selected was "Shikamaru Nara." The genius, "troublesome"-ed, and everyone rolled their eyes at his common behavior. But when he accepted the cup he whispered into the blond's ear, "The _very_ good kind of troublesome."

Naruto giggled and swatted him away playfully.

The nine other men came up to receive their cups as well, including: Kakashi, Kiba, Rock Lee, Gaara, Itachi, Shino, Chouji, Neji, and Sai.

Only Kankuro and Asuma remained.

The blond sighed.

"Kankuro," Naruto began. "You're a great guy, but I'm not entirely sure that we know each other enough from past experiences to actually form a relationship."

Kankuro nodded.

**Kankuro's Confessional: I know I don't know him that well. But I've had the hots for him ever since the Chuunin Exams. I even told him I liked him, but I don't think he understood my implications with that. So yeah, I don't know him that well, but I don't really care. I really, _really_ want that blond.**

"Asuma," the blond turned to the burly man, feeling unbelievably tiny compared to his massive size. "Out of all the people here," he gestured towards the Semes, "You're the oldest. And I have no problem with age gaps, but ours is _really _big. And I know you even less than I know Kankuro, but you're still a good guy, so I'll admire you for that."

**Asuma's Confessional: (shrug) Nothing I can do now. I'll just wait for his decision.**

"So," Naruto sighed, "I choose..."

He lifted up the cup to reveal...

_(Suspense!)_

Kankuro's name.

The crowd gasped and the puppet-master pumped his fist into the air.

"Yatta! See ya later, old man!" He stuck his tongue out at Asuma, grabbed his cup after hugging the blond breathless, and returned to his post next to Gaara. The quivering brunet next to him, made Gaara want to kill his brother all the more.

Asuma hugged the blond and whispered "No hard feelings, eh?". He waved goodbye to his friends, and took his leave - the servants already packed his bags, so his luggage was waiting for him beside the door.

_Bye Asuma...

* * *

_

_In Bedroom Three: _

"Hmph...puppet-turd. You're so lucky." Gaara muttered.

"Hn." Kankuro ignored his younger brother's cruel words and continued to ponder.

He shrugged off Gaara's death glare.

And Shino's rough shove to the bed he was lying on.

He lied flat down on his back with his hands behind his head as support. As the lights in the bedroom were turned off, Kankuro turned his head to look out the window and gaze at the stars.

**Kankuro's Confessional: I don't want to be in the bottom two anymore. If I want to win this competition against all these pretty boys, I need get my act together...**

He trailed off as sleep claimed him for the night.

* * *

**myinukoi:**

**Challenge: **If anyone knows where I got the idea for ShikaNaru's date, you get dedication in the next chapter!


	4. Fangirls, Forests and Love Notes! Oh No!

_Title:_ The Ukette

_Author:_ myinukoi

_Pairing:_ SasuNaru, NejiNaru, GaaNaru, ShikaNaru, ChouNaru, KakaNaru, ShinoNaru, KibaNaru, NejiNaru, LeeNaru, KankNaru, ItaNaru, SaiNaru.

_Warning: _Yaoi/Shounen-ai, second attempt at humor, serious OOCness, unbeta-ed, language (swearing), kinda AU (but they are still ninjas...just in a different environment), etc, etc...

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own Naruto

* * *

Seeing as there was an unbelievable amount of people who guessed the challenge for the last chapter, I will only dedicate it to the five who identified it first.

Two other dedications will go to birthday people.

**Dedication to: **(Challenge winners) _The LB, pansypantelones411, CherryShadowz, Xiana Asuka, Tesina Gela Gardner_

(Birthday people) _Kativa-chan _(September 16), and _dogangeslrule_ (September 22). Happy Birthday!

(A/N: Don't feel hesitant to tell me your birthday in a review! I'll give you a dedication!)

**Bold: Confessional Room

* * *

**

**C h a p t e r 4: Fangirls, Forests, and Love Notes! Oh No!

* * *

**

Naruto was scarfing down his breakfast at an inhuman rate, causing the rest of the occupants in the dining room to stare.

"God..." Sai muttered. "Is he even chewing?"

Kakashi made sure to sit close to the blond in case he needed CPR.

**Kakashi's Confessional: Wait...? Isn't CPR for_ drowning _people? Then what's for choking people? Oh yeah...! Heimlich Maneuver! But that means no lip-on-lip contact! (whine/pout); (ponder); (shrug) Never mind. It's kinky all the same. **

As the men finished their breakfast, they looked towards Naruto expectantly.

The blond beamed at the blushing men.

"I guess you should all go to your rooms. I'll meet you all later okay?"

The Semes looked disappointed. They weren't looking forward to returning to their assigned rooms to spend God knows how long with their distasteful roommates. (Except Kakashi, of course...)

Naruto, sensing their sadness, quickly added, "Gosh, I was just joking! You thought our asses were really gonna spend the rest of the competition in this old mansion!"

The men immediately brightened up.

"Just go upstairs for now okay?" the blond sighed.

The men obediently retired to their rooms...

_...And so early in the morning!

* * *

_

_As the Semes reached the loft to where their rooms all meet up, and they were forced to go their separate ways - yet something caught Sasuke's eye on the stand. _

An envelope?

The young Uchiha looked at the envelope.

The fuck...?

_Ultimate Ukette Mail?_

Well, at least it _said_ Ultimate Ukette Mail, that is before someone suspiciously and hastily crossed out the label and wrote in sloppy, rushed handwriting: Supreme Seme Mail.

Tch...stupid dobe.

Sasuke, being a fan of many reality TV bachelor/bachelorette shows, knew to call out:

"Ultimate Ukette Mail!"

The men turned their heads towards the hollering Uchiha.

Eh? was the thought that crossed all their minds.

Sasuke raised the envelope, and they all understood.

They crowded around him as he opened the envelope and gazed at the letter. He began to read aloud:

"_Dear Semes_," (He ignored the 'Ukes' that was scrawled in by a disgrunteled blond.)

_"I hope you really weren't thinking that I was going to keep you locked up in there for the rest of the day? I'm too energetic to stay cooped up for long! Anyways, guess what? Your first competion will be held today. I need to make sure I have a cunning and athletic man by my side! So, get ready and meet me at Ridgeway Park at noon, okay? See ya then!_

_-Naru-chan._

_PS- Don't forget your running shoes and water bottle!"_

Sasuke, along with the other Semes, stared at the note in confusion. _Running shoes and water bottle? What does he mean by that?_

Kankuro and Chouji glanced nervously at each other. They were the two most out of shape amongst the men. Were they up to this?

They retired to their rooms to think of a plan.

Gaara scoffed. Their was nothing in this competition that his sand couldn't handle.

He took his leave as well.

Shikamaru gazed wearily at the note. Tch...this will certainly be troublesome.

He left to his room to watch the clouds from his window. They always helped him clear his mind. Surely his genius would find a way to get out of this troblesome assignment.

The rest of the men left as well, oddly silent, as they pondered what the blond could possibly mean by his message. Whatever it was, it couldn't be that bad. Naruto was the kindest person to have ever touched their lives. There wasn't a mean streak in his body. Sure, he can throw in a prank every now and then, but they were sure he wouldn't put them in danger for the sole sake to prove their love and devotion to him. Right..?

Oh how wrong they were...

* * *

In Bedroom 1:

"What're you gonna wear, Lee?" Kiba asked the overzealous nin, while pointedly ignoring Shikamaru.

"My usual outfit of course! The tightness of the spandex makes it easy for me to move and will show off my bulging muscles. Ga-Ga-Gai..sensei w-would...be so..."-sob-"p-proooooud!" At the though of his sensei's unfair ellimination, the taijutsu master began to bawl unceremoniously.

Shikamaru turned away from his cloud-watching to look at the Taijutsu specialist blankly. He then scoffed in something akin to pity and disgust as he returned to his previous task of think up a plan to remove himself from the day's competition without disqualifying himself from this overall tournament.

He sighed.

* * *

In Bedroom 2:

"Hm...? Which one d'ya think the blond'll like?" Sai muttered to himself holding up two identical belly shirts to the mirror.

Neji and Sasuke stared at him inquisitively.

Talking? _To himself_?

**Sai's Confessional: Having no one to converse with in that lonely room can really do things to a man... (shudder)

* * *

**

In Bedroom 3:

_Okay Kankuro! Pull yourself together! They're only glaring at you because they know you're the only one that stands a chance in this competition. Hehe...they're sooo jealous!_

The puppeteer continued to think reassuring thoughts to himself, but Gaara and Shino's dirty looks never wavered.

* * *

In Bedroom 4:

"_What are you doing_?" Chouji asked his roommate.

Dear God! How strange can a person get..!

Itachi looked up from his task and curtly replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Getting ready of course."

"Aren't you supposed to be y'know...packing water, finding clothes, etcetera, etcetera...Instead of...-"

Itachi rolled his eyes as he applied a new coat of paint to his dark fingernails.

"-Doing your nails...?" Chouji finished his sentence.

Itachi scoffed, "That's what everybody else is doing! I want to be unique!" he chirped.

**Chouji's Confessional: ...the fuck...-?**

"You're more than unique enough already Uchiha Itachi."

Chouji watched as Itachi beamed at the 'compliment' and began his third coat.

"More than enough..."

* * *

In Bedroom 5:

Kakashi sighed as he plopped himself down ungracefully on his overly large bed. It seems that he had pushed the two beds of his former roomates -Asuma and Gai- together with his own to form an unreasonably huge mattress.

Seeing as it was now _his_ room, after Asuma's elimination and his brief mini-celebration, he used a rusty kunai to scratch out the description of 'Bedroom 3' carved in the wood outside his door and instead wrote 'Kaka's Pad!'

He had so many Icha Icha pictures and posters around his room, they might as well be considered wallpaper.

He tossed his clothes and other personal belongings around the confinement.

He bombarded the private Bedroom 5 bathroom with countless hair products.

He had a drawer more than prepared to burst open with fan-mail.

And his 'pad' was littered with thirty-two naughty magazines, twelve familiar orange books, nine broken alarm clocks, and one out of date dirty calendar.

He smiled as he took sight of his room.

_It was just like home.

* * *

_

12 o'clock noon

* * *

Eleven men waited patiently at Ridgeway Park for any source of direction or instruction to arrive.

Iruka appeared in front of the men with a resinating '_pop_!'. He had his familiar clipboard in hand.

"Hey guys! Welcome to your first challenge! We can't immediately give away our pleasant surprise-" He chuckled. "-because that would be no fun now would it?" The men nodded. "Well, come on. Naruto was never known for his patience."

The men walked for about half a mile before stopping at an extremely familiar setting.

Oh hell no!

Why the hell would Naruto bring us here for our first challenge?

The Semes gazed up at the dark, formidable woodland. Shivers ran down their spine as they observed the jutting roots and hell-bent branches of the moss-covered trees whose trunks seemed to sneer cruelly down upon them. The thick swaying branches of the untamed thickets blocked out the sunlight to cast a large intimidating shadow over the area, making the atmosphere appear all the more...gruesome.

It definitely looks ten times more perilous since the Chuunin Exams.

They certainly didn't guess Naruto would bring them back to someplace like The Forest of Death.

"W-What the fuck are we doing_ here_?" Kiba called out.

"You're here for your challenge, silly!" Iruka ruffled his hair playfully as he used to do in the old Academy days, seemingly unaware of the frightening background.

"Challenge...right..." Kiba muttered, jerking away from the kind gesture that made him feel admittedly young.

Iruka only smiled. "If you'll once again follow me..." he headed off towards a large wooden entranceway that lead into the forest.

Once the men were all inside the woods, Iruka effortlessly closed the heavy doors with a **bam!** and chuckled evilly at the group.

The men were all heavily unnerved, because needless to say, an evilly cackling Iruka is never a good thing...

Suddenly, Naruto appeared, his infamous fox-like grin plastered on his face.

Aww...how cute! the men inwardly cooed, taking no notice to the mischievous glint in the boy's eye.

"Now," he curtly began, "I hope you all used your time wisely and-" -at this time, unsurprisingly, the Uke's former sensei came bustling through the gates, sweaty and panting...Naruto sighed.

**Naruto's Confessional: Some things just never change...**

"You're late!" Naruto grinned at the old familiar saying.

"G-Gomen." he panted. "There was this old lady..."

Naruto raised his hand, cutting off the Jounin. "I don't want to here it! Just get your tardy ass in line..."

Kakashi pouted under his mask. No one ever believes him!

**Kakashi's Confessional: My alarm clock broke...mysteriously.**

"Okay," Naruto continued to where he left off before he was interrupted. "I hope you all used your time wisely and got ready for this challenge." Chouji glanced at Itachi. "Even though it is the first, I assure you, this will be the most difficult task I might ask of you during this competition."

The men looked queasy.

"Now," he began to talk louder, seeing as their was a lot of noise coming from the other side of the gate from which they had just passed. "Before we start, I must -legally- inform you of the dire consequences of accepting this challenge." Naruto's voice grew even louder as the high-pitched noise emitted from the other side of the large wooden door. No doubt this had something to do with the challenge.

"This seems to be the only legitimate place we can hold such a challenge seeing as the _needs_" -he gestured towards the other side of the gate and spoke even louder since the noise was increasing exponentially in volume- "for this challenge, cannot be allowed anywhere else, under grievous fear that our _needs_ will cause serious damage and mental trauma."

The Semes shuddered.

Naruto's voice was yelling now and the men could bearly hear him, seeing as the noise and rukus from the other side was now near-deafening.

"I almost wasn't allowed to give you all this challenge by the Elders of Konoha." Naruto screamed to the group. "They were worried about your welfare, but I told them you were strong! You were ninjas! You could take anything!"

The men looked doubtful as the ungodly noise refused to cease.

"But under law..." the blond scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I need to warn you about the possible aftermath for many of you."

Cerulean eyes scanned a previously pulled out text and the blond coughed into his fist before reading in his authoritative voice, "Possible perilous outcomes from The Ukette -Grrr! I told them I'm not a fucking uke!" he breathed in an out to calm himself down and continued, "Challenge number one includes, but is not limited to the following..."

The men listened on.

"Broken bones, internal bleeding, damaged senses..."

The men gulped.

"...first, second, and third degree burns, frostbite, one hundred and ninety three possible bone fractures and sprains..."

Ouch! What could cause burns _and_ frostbites! It's only September...not that cold.

"...large, possibly lethal gashes, cuts and wounds that could cause hearty scarring..."

Scars? Itachi winced. Ew!

"...hemorrhages, heavy bruising, acute or chronic amnesia, and as a self-defense mechanism of the body -Congenital Insensitivity to Pain..."

Oh God...

"...likely kidnaping, AIDS, HIV and other STDS as possible outcomes of rape,"

...the fuck? Oh Holy...

"..and in an unfortunate case, death."

Naruto sighed as he finished off the list. His cobalt blue eyes locked onto the fearful ones of the Semes.

"So...ya ready?" he asked perkily, the ominous shadow over the men doing nothing to diminish his glowing brightness.

The men, forgetting their fear, gazed at the cute blond.

Awww!

Yet, the more logical at this moment, like Kankuro, simply turned away from the pretty face and asked, "Sooo...just playing with the thought here..." He coughed numerously. "What if we quit?"

Naruto's brightness came to a halt.

"Well," he thought idly, "there is an extremely high chance that you'll be eliminated if you don't even _attempt_ the challenge and I'll probably think a lot lower of you and never, ever see myself as being in any remotely romantic relationship with you and will most likely look down upon you as a ninja and an overall individual for the rest of your miserable life." the blond finished.

Kankuro blinked and shuddered. As well as the other men.

"Oh...Okay! Just asking. Of course I'm gonna do it!" Kankuro gave a forced smile.

"Great!" Naruto was beaming once again, and causing all hearts in the area to melt. "So, anyone else wanna back out?" he questioned, glaring at anyone who showed even the slightest sign of cowardice.

Needless to say, he was glowering a lot.

When no men showed any vocal signs of protesting, the blond smiled warmly. "Okay, good. Now...let's get this show on the road!"

"Now," the blond began, "what you're basically having here is a race. Whoever makes it to the other side of the Forest of Death by sunset first, wins..." he thought for a moment.

**Naruto's Confessional: What do they win? Hmmm... A date? No. Not yet. Ummm...**

"..you win," he pondered, "my favortism!"

The Semes cheered.

"And if you come in last, you'll more than likely get eliminated..."

The men's faces became solemn.

"What's the trick?" the Byakugan-user asked. This seems too simple...there has to be something else to it.

"Well," Naruto grinned evilly at the white-eyed boy's remark. "That's where all that 'noise'," he gestured towards the gates that were now rattling with the force of whatever was on the other side, "comes in..."

A tremor washed over the crowd of Semes.

"Well, let's start this now. I'm bored. Me and Iruka are gonna be taking the short route so we'll meet the winner soon, yeah?"

The men nodded.

Iruka and Naruto left with a _'pop'_!

Strong, muscled, heavy men appeared behind the Semes. The five of them, set their large calloused hands over the gate that divided the male contestants from whatever was on the other side of their only separation. As the heavy gates began to slowly open with a continuous itchy creeeeak, the men's curiosity grew and even when the race began, they stayed glued to the spot by a young ninja's blatant inquisitive nature.

An unhealthy habit that will surely be the death of them all.

**Itachi's Confessional: Something in me... doesn't feel right. My instincts are trying to get me to leave while I still can... but this morbid curiosity has me stuck to the spot. Never have I felt such overwhelming feelings... (except when staring in the mirror).This doesn't seem good...**

The doors were now wide open. The Semes met their obstacle.

Their fear.

**Itachi's Confessional: Doesn't seem good at all...**

The men gasped in fright, using every ounce of strength their shinobi-amplified bodies possessed just to keep from wetting themselves in sheer horror as the seriousness of the situation hit them full on as they stared at the greedy eyes beyond the gate. (A/N: That last part sounded like a like from Fullmetal Alchemist, huh? 0.o Hehe...I couldn't help it. xD)

**Fa-Fa-Fangirls!**

"Oh." Sasuke.

"My." Neji.

"GAWD!" Itachi.

Fangirls scattered the other end of the gate and when their eyes met the men's, the seemingly-unyeilding noise came to a sudden halt and the entire forest was cast over by a deafening silence. Not even the little blue birdies in the horribly defaced trees made a peep.

"Wahhn!OMGee!#$?&! Itachi! Sasuke! UCHIHAAAA!"

"Neji! Baby! Let me open up your cage! Let me free your little birdy!"

"Chouji-sama! My ravenous Man Meat! I'm HUNGRY!"

"Rawr!"

The men bolted into the forest with such speed, the deranged girls were left choking in their dust -yet most of them seemed over-joyed at the mere thought of being smothered to death by the dirt that their future-husbands touched.

Needless to say, the determined more obsessed fangirls, easily avoided the soil and choking competition, and went straight after the bunch of fleeing, terrified,_ gay _men.

* * *

With Chouji:

Oh...Oh God! How long have I been running now? Two...Three days? (-Cough; cough:- 7 minutes).

The sun is boiling my blood and scorching my skin. (-Sneeze; sneeze:- Only September. About 70 degrees F) Countless droplets of perspiration roll down my back, and my inners are on fire.

"Man Meat! Don't leave! Why are you running?" The leader of the group screams and she has agreement with the twenty other girls that are following her.

Chouji's eyebrows scrunched together in bafflement.

_Man Meat? _

"Let us play with your large sausage!"

Chouji, with renewed vigor and an never-before-seen burst of speed, continued the race, in hopes of meeting the blond on the other side of the forest relatively unharmed.

Ha! Fat chance! (Pun intended.)

* * *

With Itachi:

Fangirls?

He rocked himself back and forth and recalled the first day he ever met the world's certified most loathsome creatures.

**Itachi's Flashback:**

_Five year old Itachi was playing with his paper shurikens in the Uchiha Manor's garden. After his pregnant (with Sasuke) mother brought him a quick snack, he asked her why he couldn't have real shurikens, like the older boys._

_She patted him on the head, "Big boy shurikens are very dangerous, and if you make a mistake, you might scar up that pretty face of yours." she cooed to him gently, unaware that it was these kinds of remarks that would send the boy spiraling into an endless pit of constant self-divinity and utter pride years later._

_He blushed and smirked at the compliment. She was so smart when it came to these things..._

_"Have fun with your origami shurikens ne, Itachi-chan?"_

_"Aa." he nodded as he continued to play long after she left. He pitied the fool who would come upon him with an evil chakra or wicked intent._

_Shoot, his self-made shurikens could cause some serious paper cuts, dammit!_

_Yet when this pre-mentioned evil chakra/wicked intent came in the form of a cute four year old girl, the boy mearly ignored her as the young, yet not-so innocent, leered at him openly._

_He gave her one of his fiercest glares, but she seemed unfazed._

_When the number of girls continued to grow, the leering and hungry looks spanned exponentially, and the subtle touches became more obvious and suggestive..._

_Itachi had learned that day, only after spending thirty minutes with those fangirls whose pervetedness reached an all-time high, causing them to ruthlessly attack him, (only being saved when his mother heard his screams and shooed the vicious females away with a broom)..._

_...paper shurikens don't come in handy when your dealing with (shudder) fangirls..._

**End Itachi's Flashback**

A quiet sob wracked his body as the memories of their vicious groping and lipstick smeared kisses evaded his mind once again.

He heard the loud stomping of the stampede getting closer and he felt close to crying...

Yet as he looked down into a mossy puddle and saw his distorted yet ethereally beautiful reflection mirroring in the tiny pool, his gallancy replenished and his heart of spirit was renewed!

Those girls...those_ fucking _fangirls!

He would **not** let their filthy, undeserving hands touch his angel-envied face!

No...

No.

_No!_

He began running as far as his legs would take him, because to him at that moment -he was not competing with the other Semes for the vivacious blond, but rather with vicious females for his perfectly beautiful self.

In the end of this, he might die - but dammit!

_He would die a pretty man!

* * *

_

With Shikamaru:

The lazy-nin panted as he ran and ran and ran.

This was taking forever.

And the lewd comments and rivaling arguments coming from behind weren't really much help...

_"Shika! That's it baby! Shake for me!"_

_"You idiot! He's not shaking he's running...from your ugly face! Haha!"_

_"That was such a stupid joke, Yuki!"_

_"Was not!"_

_"Hmph...! I bet it was because he met you he's running around thinking he's gay. Gosh, you get on my fucking nerves."_

_"Whatever._ (AN: Great comeback...)_ Shika wait up! I have this new un-troublesome dance I made that we could try out, maybe? I call it, The Shika Shake!"_

_"The Shika Shake? ...The fuck?"_

"When in a uncomfortable or troublesome situation, begin to bargain." Shikamaru muttered under his breath to himself, remembering that he kept that piece of information, along with much else, stocked inside his enormous brain.

"Hn... bargaining it is." he shrugged and hopped into a tree to back trace his steps and find the fangirls.

Yes, you heard right._ Find _them.

Once he reached the bickering women, they immediately stopped quarreling to gaze in awe and whimper, 'Shikamaru...'

Said nin, realizing their state of silence would only be temporary and the vicious glomping would come soon after, immediately put his plan into action...

* * *

Meanwhile...with Naruto:

"Dammit Konohamaru, Moegi, Undon!" the blond fumed, his face was lobster red in anger, and an undeniable wrathful chakra emitted from every pore of his being.

Yet this all went unnoticed to the three laughing-their-ass-off Genins.

"I. Am. Not. A. Fucking. Uke!"

He kicked Konohamaru in the head.

"Owww!" Konohamaru whined, wrapping his hands protectively around his abused head.

"Serves you right, eh Iruka-sensei? Tell Konohamaru-chan that this whole fucking thing is not called _The Ukette_!"

"Naruto," Iruka sighed, "watch your language."

"I think it should be called Supreme Seme," Naruto suggested, ignoring his sensei's request to quit with the cursing, "or maybe...no definitely... Sexy Seme! Ohh yes!"

"Naruto, there is _nooo_ way you'll ever be Seme in any relationship." Iruka pointed out offhandedly.

The blond spluttered. What!

"Iru-Iruka-sensei?" Naruto was very hurt.

"I'm sorry Naruto but have you looked in the mirror lately? Your lean and skinny, you've got too many feminine features, and when watching any two men kissing, you always scream, 'Oh My Gee! So cute!'. You're an uke if I've ever seen one..."

Naruto flamed up in anger. "No, you're an uke Iruka-sensei! You have all the qualities! You're not tough! Too nice! Always-" Before he could continue Iruka cut him off.

"I know I am. Unlike some people, I do not live my life in denial. I accept what I am and make the best of it."

The blue-eyed boy knew a losing battle when he saw one...

...but that never stopped him before!

"Yeah," Konohamaru agreed, "you couldn't even be on top with a _girl_!"

**Naruto's Confessional: One; I would never be with a girl and Two; If I was, how could I _not_ be on top?**

Iruka laughed. "Naruto," he mocked the voice of a teenage girl, "I think we're ready." Then he mocked Naruto, "I'm sorry but I don't work well with strap-ons."

The blond blushed and the rest of the group laughed as they waited for the challenge to be complete.

* * *

"So," Yuki's eyes beamed with hope, "if we let you go, you're saying that you will give us a lock of Itachi-sama's hair, two of Neji-sama's meditation candles, one of your earrings, a chip of Kiba's fang, half of Rock Lee's left eyebrow, three Icha Icha's that were touched by the hands of Kakashi, one of Sasuke-sama's kunais, four hundred grams of Kankuro's face paint, three hundred and forty two grains of Gaara's sand, four sixty percent-eaten potato chips from Chouji, eighteen pieces of thread from Sai's favorite belly shirt and a right wing from one of Shino's chakra-sucking insects, am I correct?" she sighed in happiness.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. Thirty minutes and this is his bargain. How troublesome...

"Yeah."

"And when will you be delivering this to us?" asked Starr, a girl with unnatural purple eyes in the back.

"Tomorrow."

The girls grouped together and pondered for a good ten minutes. Deciding that they could trust their idol, agreed with his terms.

"Okay," he began directing as soon as the agreement was official. "I want you to all divide into groups of two. When you are, take this map-" he handed it to Starr."-and find the rest of the men. If my calculations are correct, the key at the bottom shows approximately where each men is, how fast they're traveling, what road they're planning on taking, and where their fangirls are located."

They females nodded.

"Good luck!"

And with that, Shikamaru took off to complete his challenge with ease, no longer having to worry about any rabid fangirls trailing after him.

* * *

Naruto clapped his hands in glee as a frightened, yet determined Itachi came in first place. Yet the Uchiha could've sworn his number of fangirls increased during the race.

After him was Shikamaru, then Kakashi, Sasuke, Neji and Rock Lee.

After them in fifth place came Gaara and Kiba who was closely followed by seventh place Shino.

Sai and Kankuro were panting heavily yet made it to the end as well.

Their rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth fangirls were detained and some of the more determined ones had to be put out with anesthetic and needles.

And while all the men conversated on how the made their courageous journey, yet Naruto could only wonder...

_Where's Chouji..?

* * *

_

The large boy was hospitalized after he was found unconscious and lipstick smeared hanging in a tree by his underwear-like headband, two hours later.

Poor man.

* * *

The men were talking about how they all overcame their greatest fear.

"I just went through a bunch of messed up branches," Kiba said nodding proudly. "Their hair got stuck on those tree limbs. So they we're screaming while swinging back and forth. Calling out for me to help them! Pssh! I left those broads so fast..."

"How'd _you _do it, Shino?" Kakashi asked the stoic boy.

"Bugs."

"Tch..so simple." Gaara muttered. "I killed them."

Shocked faces.

"Why're you here, Kankuro? I would have expected you to be in that fat ass's place." Gaara muttered.

Kankuro glared at his younger brother. Why won't he leave him alone?

"Well I'm not Gaara so you can shove it!" the puppeteer shouted, finally losing his cool.

The men's previous shocked expressions were nothing compared to their now stunned expressions.

Did Kankuro -big scaredy-cat brother Kankuro- just tell Gaara -Fifth Kazekage of Sand, Shukaku's vessel, and ultimate badass Gaara- _to shove it?_

Gaara didn't even bat an eyelid, but his eyes remained on something in Kankuro's pocket. Curious, the elder Sand brother gazed down at his pants to see the tip of a paper sticking out.

Before he could shove it hastily from the redhead's view, Shino, who was standing in the back and watching the entire encounter, pulled it out to view with inhuman speed.

Gaara grabbed the note from the bug lover's hand and opened it up to find...

...a love note!

As Gaara and Shino's eyes followed the lines of the paper, Kankuro blushed as their eyes leaked with unhidden amusement.

"Eh?" Shino smirked. "I didn't know he makes your _loins quiver at the mere thought of the two of your bodies intertwined...?"_

"And what the fuck is this?" Gaara sneered. "What the hell is wrong with your spelling?"

Kankuro looked confused.

"Why is the 'E' in '_I Lov(e) You_' at the end backwards?" he looked disgusted at his older brother's lack of education.

"I-I-It's supposed to be c-c-c-cute..." Kankuro stuttered. He was mortified.

Gaara stared at his brother. "You think ignorance is 'cute'?" He glared at the quivering puppeteer, yet even though he was glowering up at him, Kankuro never felt so small. "Well I guess mental retardation is downright adorable!"

"You need to quit this competition and stay away from Naruto. Do you understand?" Gaara pushed his brother for emphasis.

Kankuro said nothing. He wrote that note in hopes of Naruto would understand him better and they could get to know each other. But all hopes we're thrown out the window when Gaara found the letter.

"How is anyone going to believe you can _love_ Naruto when you can't even fucking spell it!" Gaara chuckled at his inwardly sobbing brother.

"How old are you?" Gaara barked.

"Twe..Twe..Twe.." Kankuro couldn't even finish his twenty, before Gaara began mocking him once again.

"_Twe-Twe-Twe_-Too damn old to be writing your 'E's backwards, dammit!"

The men watching the entire scene and laughed. Gaara has a sense of humor!

Now one thing Kankuro would like to make clear about himself is that he is not weak! He is just overly-sensitive...and that's no reason for Gaara to treat him the way he does! He thought that his fear of his younger brother would diminish over the years, but it only grew worse.

"Gaara! You can take that note-" the brunette snatched the note back from Gaara's hand. "-and shove it up your ass!" He tore up the letter for emphasis and threw the ripped pieces at the Kazekage.

"I shouldn't have to deal with this anymore! You're not going to keep me out of this competition, you hear me? By the end of this, you're ass will be back up at your office in Sand and I'll be in _Naruto's fucking pants_! And I'll love -L.O.V.E- it if you even try to pull that sand voodoo shit on me because it'll give me a reason to take you out once and for all! (AN: Though we all doubt this...)"

Gaara simply blinked and then...

...smirked!

Kankuro, having an odd feeling in his gut, turned around to see Naruto's face, pale as a sheet and his eyes burning with anger. Gaara is a very close friend to the blond, closer than Kankuro has ever been, and his precious virgin ears hearing all of that! Well, it was too much for him.

"Ka-Kankuro!" his voice growled out.

**Kankuro's Confessional: Uh Oh...This is not happening!**

"Um...well. We just came here to tell everyone that you should please be in order." Iruka told the men, still shocked at Kankuro's out-of-character rant. "The Elimination Ceremony is about to begin."

The men all blinked. _Now?_

Sai voiced these thoughts.

"Yeah well," Naruto began, his eyes never leaving Kankuro. "I'm tired and I don't want to deal with one at home, so let's just do it here. Where I have all the days occurrences still fresh in my mind..."

Kankuro gulped.

The three Genins carried in the familiar table along with the common cups.

Naruto wasted no time in picking up a cup and shouting out the challenge winner's name. "Itachi."

Itachi accepted his cup and Naruto went on to cup number two. "Shikamaru."

And so on went all the names- Neji, Rock Lee, Kiba, Shino, Gaara, Sai, Kakashi, and Sasuke.

Until only Kankuro and Chouji's cup remained.

"Well," Naruto sighed. "I hope it's not too difficult to see why these two names are here."

Kankuro sighed. He could only hope Naruto would let him tell his side of the story first, before making any rash decisions.

"Chouji because he lost the challenge, and you," blue eyes locked onto brown, "well, you know why you're here." Naruto huffed and turned away from the puppeteer.

Chouji was still in the hospital so Kankuro felt kind of... odd being the only one in the crowd without a clock. He felt isolated...ostracized...

"So, I will have to give the final cup..."

Gaara smirked. This was so obvious.

"to..."

Kankuro brought this upon himself.

"Chouji."

Kankuro's eyes went wide. This is not happening! Not happening!

Oh. But it is...

Kankuro fought the guards when he refused to leave peacefully. He put up quite a fight, but he was gone within five minutes.

As all the men were about to leave, Naruto called out for Gaara to wait.

The two were all alone at the edge of the Forest of Death.

Gaara would have particularly preferred a more romantic setting... but this would do.

"His words...they didn't hurt too much did they, Gaara?" the blond's tone was gentle and concerned.

Gaara smiled inwardly and replied with a false sad tone, "Oh Naruto... He's been harassing me for so long! I don't know how I beared through it, but I did. The verbal abuse became so bad after I became Kazekage. He didn't even bother to hide his jealousy after my villagers began to accept me... But I never put one hand on him. I couldn't hurt him, no matter how persuasive Shukaku was becoming. He's my brother after all..." he faked a couple of tears.

"Oh Gaara..." Naruto rubbed his back gently before pulling him into a tight hug. "You're so brave..."

Gaara smirked into Naruto's neck before continuing his speech with his perfected tragic voice. "The wounds..they'll heal. If you help me that is..."

Naruto nodded determined. "I promise -with my ninja way- that I'll help you heal Gaara..."

(AN: Aww...fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff)

They cuddled until Iruka called them home.

* * *

In Bedroom 4:

Chouji returned from the hospital late at night and was now resting in his room with the Uchiha.

That is until...

Creak...creak..."Wahh!"

**Thump!**

Itachi woke up with a start to the loud noise. He turned to glance at his roommate only to find him sprawled on the floor with the remains of a broken bed.

Chouji quickly got up and looked at the bed in horror.

"What...What happened?" he asked shocked.

"The bed broke." Itachi supplied simply.

"But how? You bought these beds...they should be new..."

The Uchiha nodded.

"Then maybe it was the foundation...nah! Foundation doesn't break beds...or does it? Maybe it was the wood. Not sturdy enough? I don't get it...What could've happened...?"

Without even having to turn around, Chouji knew that his roomate was watching him the entire time, barely concealing his amusement, because Itachi _really_ knew how the bed collapsed and knew that Chouji was just in denial.

"Get. Your. Eyes. Offa. Me!" Chouji growled.

* * *

The next morning, a lot of nin's woke up to loudly exclaim how many of their precious items and physical traits were gone...

...not to mention there were many happy fangirls and a very relieved shadow-user.

* * *

AN: Kankuro's gone as you wanted. You all may be mad at Gaara in this chapter, or mad at me because I made him mean. But fear not...he will only be mean to Kankuro in this fic...I hope. I haven't decided yet.

I will make fun of each character in this story so if you can't handle them being played with...you always have the option to stop reading.

**Challenge: **If anyone knows where I got that whole scene with Gaara burning Kankuro with the love note, gets dedication in the next chapter. I think this challenge is a lot harder.

* * *

**Important!**

**When you review, tell me ONE person who you want to be eliminated in the next chapter! Not which pairing you like, or who you think should've been included in the game. _Who. You. Want. To. Be. Eliminated._ Only a tenth of my reviewers voted properly last chapter. So vote! Properly! If not, I can't write the net chapter. **

Okay, I don't think I made that clear during last chapters, but it should be now.

Don't think I'm mean, I just want to get these updates for you up faster, okay?

Thanks and review.

* * *

**Naruto _© _Masashi Kishimoto**


	5. All for Naruto

_Title:_ The Ukette

_Author:_ myinukoi

_Pairing:_ SasuNaru, NejiNaru, GaaNaru, ShikaNaru, ChouNaru, KakaNaru, ShinoNaru, KibaNaru, LeeNaru, ItaNaru, SaiNaru.

_Disclaimer:_ The characters portrayed in this story do not belong to me, but to the Naruto anime/manga series by Masashi Kishimoto. This is all fiction; No profit was made from this story so hence, I bear no responsibility for anything you may claim of this story.

* * *

**Dedication to: **(Challenge winner:) **Kativa-chan! **She correctly guessed the last chapter's challenge. Answer: _The Boondocks_. Hilarious show. Hide the kiddies and go watch it! 

And to **Karen Keddle** whose birthday was October 4! Happy Birthday!

(A/N: Don't feel hesitant to tell me your birthday in a review! I'll give you a dedication!)

* * *

**Bold: Confessional Room**

* * *

C h a p t e r 5: **All for Naruto...**

* * *

"Are ya ready yet?" 

"No."

"Hurry up! You guys eat too slow!"

"Shut up, dobe."

"Don't tell me to shut up you bastard! I'll kick your ass from here to Sand!"

"Naruto-kun," Sai interjected, disrupting the two boy's argument, "I'm done eating. What is it you want to show us."

The other men nodded as they were done too, but Sasuke just glared at them all.

**Sasuke's Confessional: I don't have to hurry up for anybody! (Thinks: _'Harder Sasuke-teme! Faster! Hurry up, baka and stop teasing me!_') Okay...for Naruto-uke (blush).**

With one last glare at the crowd, Sasuke rose from his seat. "I'm done."

"Finally!" Kiba exclaimed, for he was never known for his patience.

Naruto rolled his eyes as Sasuke activated his Sharingan and turned to the dog lover. "Well then what the hell are you waiting for?! Get upstairs!"

The men grumbled past the hyperactive blond and dragged themselves upstairs. They really wished they were able to spend some more time with the boy...

* * *

Sai, realizing in a quick stroke of genius why the blond was eager for them to go upstairs, raced to the top of the steps past the gloomy men. 

_Haha!_

"Ultimate Ukette Mail!"

Sasuke, still somewhere near the bottom of the steps, growled. He was unofficially the one who was supposed to call out for the dobe's messages, not Sai!

"What does it say?" Neji asked, ready to use his Byakugan to read the message quickly and prepare for whatever the blond had in store for them. He no longer doubted the blond's ability to come up with slow, grueling, piss-your-pants worthy ideas to get the weaklings out of the competition.

The Byakugan-wielder smirked. _Nauto's naughty side was such a turn on!_

Sai began to read the letter aloud:

"_Dear Semes_ (Naruto seemed to have once again scrawl in 'Ukes', but Iruka then crossed out Naruto's words and put them back as they originally were).

_My birthday was October 10."_

Sai stopped reading in shock and all the men in the room gasped.

_It was!_

How horrible are they? Fighting over a hot boy for years but they can't even bother to figure out his birthday?

Needless to say, they felt horribly guilty.

"Really..." Shikamaru breathed out in shame.

Sai continued reading.

"_Yes, _really_. Since Iruka was sick with fever during my special day _(AN: Or the author didn't update...), _he thought it would be a good idea for us to celebrate it. Wow...my first real birthday celebration...and I'm spending it with such cute boys!"_

The men all blushed.

_"Meet me at the Konoha's mall _(AN: We'll just say Konoha has a mall now...)_ at eleven AM. See ya soon!_

_-Naru-chan" _

After Sai read and placed the letter down, he joined the tense silence that followed.

"H-How come no one knew of Naruto-kun's birthday?" Lee broke the silence.

Gaara's eyes narrowed at Kakashi. "I blame Kakashi! You're his sensei! Shouldn't you have known this?!"

Kakashi's one visible eye narrowed at the Shukaku-vessel.

"What the hell are you talking about?! I _sooo_ did know of Naru-chan's birthday."

"No you didn't." Shikamaru said calmly.

"Yes I did!" Kakashi replied vehemently.

"No you didn't."

"You can't tell me whether or not I remembered my precious's birthday. If I said I remembered it, then I remembered it, dammit!"

"Did not." Shikamaru.

"Did too." Kakashi.

"Did not." Shikamaru.

"Did too." Kakashi.

"Did not." Shikamaru.

"Did too." Kakashi.

"Did too." Shikamaru.

"Did not." Kakashi.

Shikamaru smirked victoriously.

Kakashi finally caught on, "Waiiit! You tricked me!"

"What did you get him then?" Chouji interjected.

Pause.

"Something hella cool!"

"What?" Itachi joined in.

**Kakashi's Confessional: (pout) Why is everyone ganging up on me?**

"Fine! I didn't know okay. It doesn't matter! Naruto doesn't care for presents! He's not a material person! Anyways..." He turned to face Sasuke, "You should have known his birthday! You are his best friend!"

Many glared at this fact. Sasuke _was_ the closest to the blond.

Sasuke crossed his arms over his chest, turned to the side, and put his nose in the air.

"No one told me."

The Semes gasped.

**Sasuke's Confessional: I was busy thinking about other things about Naruto. Like his smile, his laugh, his whiskers, his grin, his cute nose, his lean body, his_ tight ass._...**

"Well," Kiba said, "I think the person to blame here is..."

And so the argument continued...threats, curses, jutsus, and accusations bounced across the room. Even a few fist flew (AN: 'few fist flew'...try saying that three times fast.), until...

"Shit you guys! We're gonna be late! It's ten fifty-five and we haven't even left to our rooms yet!" Sai exclaimed.

Neji's eyes widened, "We're late! I'm never late!" Then his eyes narrowed as he turned to the silver-haired Jounin...

"I blame Kakashi..."

* * *

"Who the hell designed this mall Iruka-sensei! I don't see one freakin' Ichiraku stand anywhere!" 

Iruka sighed. "You are so right Naruto," he drawled sarcastically, "what were those retards thinking. No Ichiraku's..."

Naruto turned to his former sensei. "Yeah! You see, you understand me Iru-sensei. Everyone else would have been all like 'Naruto, that's so stupid! Why would they put an Ichiraku here in the mall...' _yada yada yada_."

"Aa." Iruka nodded absent-mindedly. "Speaking of everyone else Naruto, where _is_ everyone else?"

Naruto looked around the entrance to the mall angrily. _Yeah! Where are they?! _

"Goddamn Ukes..." Iruka heard his surrogate son mutter.

"Language!" The Chuunin snapped.

Naruto waved off the scolding. "I'm eighteen and I can't even swear. That's some old bullshit right there Iru-" but Naruto was cut off as Iruka slapped the back of his head.

"Hn. When you're too old to avoid that, you can swear." Iruka puffed out his chest.

"Naruto-kun! Naruto-kun!"

Said boy turned to meet eleven hot, sweaty, blushed, out-of breath boys. Needless to say, the group gathered much attention.

"Sorry (pant) that we're late. Kakashi's (pant) fault." Chouji panted.

"Aa, it's always Kakashi's fault." Naruto nodded.

Kakashi pouted.

"Okay!" Naruto clapped his hands together to get the attention of the men. "So, I hope you are all ready for today's challenge."

**Sai's Confessional: Challenge? If I knew we had a challenge I would have been more prepared. Dammit...**

"To get straight to the point..." Naruto cleared his throat and then beamed at all the men. "I want presents. And lots of them!"

Kakashi spluttered.

_...It doesn't matter! Naruto doesn't care for presents! He's not a material person!..._

**Kakashi's Confessional: Woooow! I could've sworn Naruto didn't care for those things; and here he is demanding that we get him presents. (Dramatically puts hand over his heart) Well, I never!**

Itachi grinned. In all honesty, he expected this (AN: Of course!).

**Itachi's Confessional: I mean really Naruto's gorgeous, kind, strong...too perfect to be true. He had to have some kind of weakness, a selfish fetish. Apparently it's having hot guys shop for him. (Shrug) Who would've guessed?**

Neji sighed in happiness. A challenge practically made for him! He prides himself in being an excellent shopper.

**Neji's Confessional: I bet he's the kind of guy who likes shoes. Probably black leather Armani ankle-cut boots for the winter. But I think he's more for comfort so maybe Prada white/silver sports running sneaks? **

Shikamaru sighed.

**Shikamaru's Confessional: Think simple...think simple... Brain Blast! (I couldn't resist! XD) Do you think they have an Ichiraku here?**

**Neji's Confessional: Oh! Or maybe shirts! There's this one Zegna button-up shirt...so hot on Naruto's rippling muscles! And...Oh my gosh! I could've sworn I saw a Dulce & Gabbana red dark blue pinstriped dress shirt here beofre. Slim fit!**

**Chouji's Confessional: Mongolian barbeque...(drool)**

**Neji's Confessional: Underwear! Does Versace make underwear??**

"Okay. We're providing you each with 6,000¥ (Roughly $50 or £26) so go buy me something that you think I will like. Something creative! And cute! I really think you guys don't know much more about me except I like orange, ramen, and I want to be Hokage. But think between the lines! Think outside the box! Analyze me and think back to times we've had conversations. Surely I'm deeper and more profound than orange, ramen, and my dream to be Hokage!"

**Iruka's Confessional: Could've fooled me.**

"What the hell are you waiting for! Go buy presents and make me happy! Be back here in an hour! "

And the Semes were off!

* * *

_With Shikamaru:_

So was Naruto telling us that he didn't want ramen?

Or was he saying that it would be okay to get ramen?

It should be okay as long as it's miso. But maybe I should be more creative... Something associated with ramen, surely. And his dream of the Hokage title. Orange too.

Uh...an orange Hokage hat with a ramen symbol on it...No!

Erm...and orange ramen cup with a Hokage symbol on it..._No!_

Let's see...an orange with a Hokage drawn on it put in a ramen cup...**_NO!_**

Naruto you are so troublesome...

* * *

_With Chouji..._

_Present for Naruto, eh? _

-After eight minutes of hardcore thinking-

I think I traded my imagination for the last potato chip when I was younger.

* * *

_With Itachi:_

Itachi quickly scanned store windows for anything remotely interesting enough to make him actually want to go into the store. As he walked he muttered to himself, "Naruto... gift... Naruto... gift..."

And then suddenly...!

"Wow..." Itachi breathed.

What he was staring at was absolutely gorgeous. So gorgeous, in fact that it seemed to make the entire window glow in an eerily beautiful light. And the eldest Uchiha could have sworn he heard angels humming a holy tune from above just to make the whole moment more intense.

Itachi took a step closer to the window and once he got a better look sighed disappointedly.

It was nothing more but his own reflection in a very reflective glass...

Itachi sighed and walked away.

Sometimes such handsomeness can be so beautifully unjust.

* * *

_With Neji:_

"Oh. My. Gee! This shirt is perfect! How much?" Neji gushed. The white/violet muscles shirt would go so well with his eyes...

"5, 700¥ (Roughly $49 or £25), Hyuuga-sama!" the female employee gushed. Neji was one of the store's favorite customers, and she liked to help him personally every time he came into the store. His tight ass was to die for!

Neji winced as he glanced down at the 6,000¥ in his hand. There was still 300¥ left for Naruto...(AN: 300¥ out of 6,000¥. You do the math.) And he really couldn't afford to leave the shirt here. It was really popular, and by the time he leaves the mansion and the competition is over, the shirt would be long gone. Naruto would understand.

"I'll take it." He nodded determinedly, his piercing gaze reached the brunette employee and she blushed as she ran to the cash register to ring it up.

_**

* * *

**_

_With Rock Lee:_

What to get for Naruto...

As he walks aimlessly throughout the store, he spots an anime shop.

Anime Advanced...? (AN: I'm making it up...)

He entered the store only to be bombarded with mangas, season DVDs, and countless posters of shirtless bishounens and tiny girls with huge watery eyes.

_Wow..._

Fullmetal Alchemist? Bleach? Inuyasha?

_I've never heard of such...never seen such huge...Amazing!!_

Rock Lee gazed at the FLCL section of the store and became instantly entranced by a character called Commander Amarao. (If you don't know him, then just Google him on Images. Trust me, something will stand out to you. XD)

* * *

_With Sasuke:_

From the moment Sasuke realized he loved Naruto, he wanted to spoil the blond boy rotten.

And this, of course, would be an excellent opportunity- but how are you to spoil someone rotten with only 6,000¥?

The most he was able to do in his Genin days was buy the dobe as much ramen as his heart desired, but ramen won't help him out in this situation.

_Naruto...what do you want??_

Sasuke randomly walked into one store and then he spotted..._it_.

The perfect present! Naruto has to have it!

A foot massager!

Naruto always complains about how much his feet hurt after long missions. And better still, it comes in orange and can be personalized!

Sasuke, not able to find any of them asked the employee at the cash register.

"Sorry son. That man who just walked out took the last one."

Sasuke gasped and looked out the window. Surely enough, an aging man had two bags in hand and without hesitance, Sasuke ran out of the store and after the man.

"Oi! Old man! Stop wait!"

The balding man turned around to meet the desperate eyes of the young Uchiha.

"You bought the last foot massager!"

"Uh...yeah?"

"Are they good?"

The man smiled and the forming crinkles around his eyes turned upwards. "Why yes. They help me relax when I get too sore. As a matter of fact, this is my third one. There was one for my upstairs bathroom, one for my wife, and this one is going in our downstairs bathroom!"

Sasuke pulled out his 6,000¥ lightening fast. "I'll buy it from you."

"Excuse me?"

"I said I'll buy it from you!"

"Um...no thanks."

"I'm Uchiha Sasuke! I have money! I'll give double, no! Triple, what you payed for it!"

The man became slightly frightened by Sasuke's desperate tone so he slowly began to back away.

Sasuke saw the man trying to discreetly retreat and his Sharingan was somehow unconsciously activated during his babbling.

"Okay, look." Sasuke took a deep breath in and calmed down, effectively calming down the other man as well, "This is very important to me. You see I'm in this competition, The Ukette--"

"The Ukette! My daughter is totally in love with that Naru-boy..."

Sasuke growled possessively but kept himself in check. "Naruto!" He took another deep breath in and restrained from pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. He needed to get this _just_ right...

"I'm in a challenge right now and I need to give him the perfect present. I found the perfect present- that foot massager- but you bought the last one so now I don't know what to get him..."

"Sorry." the man said, indifference lacing his tone.

The Sharingan-users lip twitched. "Okay, well now I see that you're obviously not going to give it to me so I guess I have no choice but to..." he trailed off and with sudden quick speed snatched the bag out of the old man's hand. He took off.

"Hey get back here! Where are you going with my--"

But the rest of his words were cut off as Sasuke turned a quick corner. Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he took off. Sasuke never stole anything before; he always had too much pride to do so and he looked down upon thieves, but now...look at him: Running away from an aging family man with a foot massager.

_The things you do to me, dobe..._

* * *

_With Neji:_

"Oh my gosh! What do I do? I only have half an hour left and I haven't even made it out of the second level of the mall. How the hell am I going to find Naruto a gift with only 300¥! Kami!"

Sucks to be you, Neji.

* * *

_With Itachi:_

Wonder what foolish little brother is up to?

* * *

_With Chouji:_

"Bring it on! Bring it on! Bring it _OOON!!!!_" Chouji growled, slamming his fork and knife down on the table eagerly with a hungry roar.

"Ladies and gentlemen," a loud man with a microphone announced, "Chouji Akimachi is here today to break his previous Konoha Record of fifty-two eaten two pound Mongolian barbeque ribs! Let's give it up for our reigning champ!"

"_The_ Chouji Akimachi!"

"Wow! I can't believe he's attempting to beat his record!"

"I heard he's in this competition to win over this blond boy..."

The barely hushed whispers circulated throughout the ever-growing crowd.

Chouji sighed. _Fans and their gossip..._

"What's the prize if he beats his record?" One teenage male called out.

The announcer gave a dramatic pause and it seemed like the lights dimmed as he was cast in a dramatic light.

"One and a half pounds of raw Kobe beef." The old man whispered.

The crowd gasped! Kobe beef! Such Konoha simpletons eye's had never even graced Kobe beef; only able to hear about it from fancy commercials where rich men were fed it by skinny women in skimpy bathing suits as they lounged around in their luxuries.

It was amazing!

"Kobe beef..." Chouji breathed... He could eat that beef and give Naruto something else for his birthday challenge. In all honesty, if Naruto picked someone like Sasuke, Itachi, Gaara, or Neji to be his partner, the blue-eyed boy would eat Kobe beef on a daily basis. Yet if Chouji lost, he could still have his memories with his Kobe beef. But he cared for the blond too much and even the most luxurious meat in the world would taste like sawdust if he wasn't sharing with his special blond.

Who knows...maybe Naruto would invite him to eat the beef with him?

"If you win Akimachi-sama," the announcer put the microphone right up to the chubby boy's thick lips, "what would you do with the meat?"

"I would share it with my special someone with the hopes of gaining their affections." Chouji said confidently into the microphone, not a waver in his voice.

The girls swooned.

Endless plates of Mongolian ribs were placed in front of the overweight nin and the chefs in the kitchen were struggling and sweating to make more to feed the Akimachi's seemingly endless appetite.

"Are you ready?" The announcer questioned.

Chouji nodded.

"Get set..."

Chouji positioned his fork and knife right over his plate and ignored the droplet of nervous perspiration that dribbled down to his eyebrow.

"Go!"

And Chouji dug in.

* * *

**With Naruto, Iruka, and the Three Genins:**

"Iruka sensei! Can you buy me lemonade? I want the biggest cup!" Naruto tugged on the tanned Chuunin's sleeve like a four year old rather than an eighteen year old.

"But Naruto," Iruka protested, "how come you didn't bring your own wallet?"

"Well I'm sorry!" Naruto threw his arms off of his fatherly figure as if he had been burned and turned to the side, with his arms crossed over his puffed out chest and his nose in the air. "I thought you would buy me a simple cup of lemonade after you made me cry out of worry on my special eighteenth birthday!"

The Genins sighed.

"Here's another hissy fit..." Udon sighed.

Naruto snapped his head towards the sniffling boy and glared at him through mock tears and a false hurt expression.

**Naruto's Confessional: I, Uzamaki Naruto and next Hokage of the Leaf Village, has never thrown a hissy fit!**

"It wasn't my fault I got sick..." Iruka mumbled off. He still felt guilty about that.

"I'm sorry Iruka-sensei," Naruto sobered up seeing his favorite sensei so sad. "You don't have to buy me the lemonade if you don't want to. I should have brought my own money..."

Iruka sniffled.

**Iruka's Confessional: Cha! (wipes away fake tears) You aren't the only prankster Naruto! Hehehe...I don't have to buy that whiny Uke lemonade... (chibi Iruka holds up victory sign) **

Naruto turned away with a sad smile and went to go play with the Genins.

Iruka frowned.

**Iruka's Confessional: Aww...well, it is his birthday... **

"Come 'ere Naruto, you big oaf." Iruka sighed.

Naruto grinned evilly yet turned around to meet Iruka with a shy smile.

**Naruto's Confessional: Haha! Tried to defeat me with those lame sniffles and sobs. Pesh...I am the next Hokage of course. What kind of leader would I be if I fell for something stupid like that?**

"Okay Naruto, what and how much do you want?" sighed the Chuunin again, pulling out his soon-to-be empty wallet.

"Just the Super large Super sweet Lemonade with lots of sugar please?"

**Iruka's Confessional: Kami...**

"Oh no!" Konohamaru whined. "Please don't make The Boss hyper! Remember what happened last ti-"

"Shut up Konohamaru! I won't get hyper. Last time was different..."

Once the one foot tall lemonade was carefully balanced over to Naruto, he immediately began to put large scoopfuls of sugar into his already over-sweetened lemonade.

Five minutes later...

"Wooow..." Moegi whispered.

Naruto ignored her and still added sugar. His once liquid lemonade looked like a yellow slushy.

Iruka pinched the bridge on his nose in exasperation as Naruto declared he was finally able to consume (if he could) his drink.

The tanned man watched as Naruto took a large gulp from the giant cup. When his head reemerged from the large container, and his face was sopping wet he frowned.

"Needs more sugar," the blond whispered to himself and began to throw in more scoopfuls.

Iruka very much knew that he was setting a hyperactive sugar-loaded Naruto out freely into an unsuspecting world and he couldn't do anything about it because Naruto looked too cute.

But he won't look so cute when half of the mall is destroyed.

Iruka let his head fall into his hands.

_"Kami, what have I done?"_

* * *

**With Sasuke:**

Pant. Pant. Pant. Smirk. Pant.

Sasuke turned a corner that led into one of the janitor's many closets. He quickly shut the door and stared up at the bare flickering bulb on the light grey ceiling with the stolen bag clutched to his chest.

_All for you Naruto... All for you..._ Sasuke chanted in his mind.

He slowly placed the shopping bag down on an overturned bucket.

He opened the bag and pulled out...

...A snow jacket?

A 'WTF?' expression was plastered on Sasuke's face as he soon remembered that the man was carrying more than one bag.

**Oh, Goddammit!**

* * *

**With Neji:**

_Of course! Why didn't I think of it before?_

And Neji went off to the nearest Hundred Yen Store...

(American Equivalent to the Dollar Tree, Ninety-Nine cent store, etc...)

* * *

**With Chouji:**

"Chouji! Chouji! Chouji!" The crowd chanted and cheered.

"Chouji eats the meat so fast it's like guzzling down water...look at him go!" The announcer raved. "This man must have some serious motivation."

Chouji smirked between chewing and swallowing.

_Naruto..._

The crowd began counting the ribs the fat teen was eating as he officially passed his previous world record.

"Sixty one...! Sixty two...! Sixty three! Ewww...! Gross! Sixty two... Sixty one..." The crowd began to murmur off as their faces morphed in disgust.

"Ah wait!" the announcer cheered as his once dejected mood brightened considerably as he realized The Great Chouji Akimachi was not done yet!

The crowd began to cheer again.

"Sixty two...Sixty three...!"

_That Chouji Akimachi..._ the announcer thought smiling wryly at the determined teen.

_What a guy..._

* * *

**With Sasuke:**

"And he had these crazy, desperate eyes... He claimed he was Sasuke Uchiha but that young prodigy would never stoop so low as to shoplift! And those 'Sharingan's were sooo contacts."

The old man Sasuke had 'borrowed' from was now talking to shinobi patrollers, no doubt describing him.

**Sasuke's Confessional: (dramatic emo-sigh) My reputation is sooo screwed.**

Sasuke uncharacteristically shamefully walked up to the ranting man and tapped him meekly on the shoulder.

The man turned around and his eyes widened as he realized that the criminal had returned to the scene of the crime!

"Him!" He turned to the police, viciously poking Sasuke's chest with his index finger. "That's the guy!"

One of the patroling shinobis pushed up his shinobi Konoha head protector just to scratch thoughtfully at his head.

"He sure does look like that young Uchiha, don't he?"

"Yep," the other replied, squinting his eyes at the young brunette, "sure does!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes at their stupidity.

**Sasuke's Confessional: I swear, these fuckers are getting dumber every year...**

He turned back t the scandalized man.

"Sir, I am so sorry I took your bag. It is so unbecoming of me. I really hope we can avoid this getting out of the public, for I still have to keep up the honor of my clan to keep up. I don't know why I did what I did! I was just under so much _stress_...it was_ killing _me! I just had to get the perfect present for him or that goddamn Hyuuga and that pretty boy Aniki of mine will beat me and my kitsune will eliminate me and he won't love me!! And I finally find the perfect present, one that'll beat out _both _of my rivals and I find out that you took the last one! And I didn't know what came over me so now I came to correct my mistake because I found out I..."

Sasuke paused to take a deep breath after his continuous 'stress-rant' while the man and two patrollers looked at him with a 'retard say what?' expression...

"...took the wrong bag!"

Sasuke threw the shopping bag containing the winter jacket into the air, and yanked the other one the man had in his hand. His grip was so hard that the thin, brittle man fell flat on his face, but Sasuke paid him no heed as he ran three floors up to his current safe janitor closet.

As his feet pumped up and down, his train of thought was quite one-tracked.

_Let me get this goddamned foot massager for this uber-sexy dobe so I'll be safe in that house with him for another motherfucking week!_

* * *

**With Naruto:**

Ten more minutes and I will have my first real birthday presents!!

* * *

**With Chouji:**

"Wooow! And Chouji Akimachi beat his previous Konoha Record of fifty two Mongolian barbeque ribs by sixteen ribs, resulting in an astounding final count of sixty eight ribs. Give it up for the man who never lets you down, Chouji Akimachi!"

The crowd roared and raved.

Itachi walked by as he made his way back to Naruto with his present in hand.

Kobe Beef, eh? That's a good idea...I should have done that...

**Itachi's Confessional: And gain an extra four pounds? No...I don't think so.**

And so Itachi walked away and rolled his eyes as the attention turned away from Chouji and to his ass.

People are perverts.

* * *

_With Sasuke:_

A panting Sasuke entered the janitor's closet.

Whew...Okay let's get right down to it.

He placed the shopping bag carefully onto the same overturned bucket and peered inside the bag to see...

...aww fuck!

Snow boots that matched the previous winter coat!

**Sauke's Confessional: This is some straight up bullshit, right here!**

And so Sasuke decided to take his frustration out on the janitor's closet.

"I am so fucking done with this bull---"

**Censored.**

**!$&&(&$$$)&$!$&$#$$((&&/#(/!#/$///&//**

--- Ten Minutes Later ---

"Yeah, actually I did see a really hot boy run in through that door. Why?"

"No time, lady. We got ourselves an Uchiha-impersonating thief to catch." On of the nins said, while the other blinked and the victimized man nodded aggressively.

"Oh..._whatever._" The teen went back to her shopping.

The three men advanced slowly towards the closet and when they opened the door found--

--a miserably sobbing Uchiha.

Well, he was sobbing on the inside.

What they were greeted with was a Sharingan possessed, anger-motivated, former Konoha top Rookie, emo teen.

Now, the aging man had enough common sense to run -hell he was almost to the first floor and out the mall- but our two favorite patrolling shinobis don't have much common sense as we should have all by now assumed.

"Mr. '_Uchiha_' sir you're gonna have to come with us. We are afraid you've been criminalized with theft twice in the same day."

"And what if I choose not to come with you." Sasuke growled. "What if I choose to find that old sonuvabitch and get my goddamned foot massager."

"Um..." one of the men shrugged. "I guess that would be bad."

This answer was decent enough for Sasuke as he took off after the man for his assuredly final bag.

Yet these two surprisingly underestimated ANBU-ranked shinobi's were right on the tail of our Sasuke, and unfortunately caught him before he could even make it down the end of the corridor.

* * *

_With Naruto and Remaining Contestants:_

"Yaaaay! Now I get to open my presents, right Iruka-sensei?!"

All men (except for the youngest Uchiha) were gathered around the lemonade stand where the blond had been waiting rather impatiently.

"Right Naruto." Iruka smiled and patted the eighteen year old on the head familiarly.

The sweet scene of Naruto huddled around by hot, eager men ready to give him gifts was surprisingly heartening. (AN: Some of you couldn't read that sentence without a perverted grin breaking out on your face, huh?)

"Um okay..." the blond scanned the crowd, "I want Kiba to go first!"

"Um...okay." the inu-boy muttered shyly and shuffled forward.

"Hereyougo!" Kiba said quickly and shoved the wrapped box towards Naruto's chest with such force the blond nearly toppled over.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

**Shikamaru's Confessional: (Yawning) _Reeeetaaard..._ **

Naruto opened up the present to find a cute plushy of a brown/red dog and a orange/yellow fox kissing.

It was really cute.

"AWWWW...!" Lee cooed.

**Lee's Confessional: I'm a hopeless romantic! (swoons precariously**)

Kiba growled at how the Taijutsu specialist ruined the moment.

**Kiba's Confessional: He needs to stop smiling and close his damn mouth. He's blinding my poor Naru-chan's sensitive blue eyes...**

"It's so cute Kiba! Thank you." He got on his toes to give the other boy a hug. The Semes fumed with jealousy as Kiba smiled with an adorable lop-sided grin on his face.

"Let's see..." Naruto mumbled. "Oh! How about Sai!"

Sai smirked and walked up to the blond. He handed Naruto a soft, wrapped present and the blond eagerly tore apart the delicate paper to find... a belly shirt.

"Oh my gosh!" Naruto gasped, holding up the baby tee to his chest, "It's orange! Thanks Sai!"

Sai smiled politely, but when he was out of view from the bright boy he grinned deviously. What Naruto hadn't seen was that on the back of the belly shirt, there was an arrow pointing downwards towards his ass with the labeled words: _Beware. Sai's Property._

**Sai's Confessional: I'm sooo smart! ( chili victory sign)**

"What about you Rock Lee?" Naruto called up the other boy.

"Yosh! My turn! You are going to love my present Naruto-kun!"

Now Naruto was getting excited. "Well, what are you waiting for! Show me!"

Lee pulled out his present and handed it to Naruto.

_It's small. Could it be jewelry_? Naruto wondered happily.

Naruto quickly unwrapped the present to find...

His face fell down in disappointment.

Yet Lee did not notice this. "You want me to put them on you?" he offered politely.

"Um...no it's okay Lee..." Naruto tried, not really wanting the other Semes to see his received present.

"Nonsense!" Lee opened the package and slapped two large Commander Amarao look-a-like eyebrows on the blond's face. The eyebrows were so thick, you could barely see the boy's blue eyes.

And once again, though the men could barely conceal their laughter, they did so much better than a certain nin.

"**Wahahahahahahaha**!" Sai clutched his bare stomach with one hand and held onto Kiba for support with the other. The dog boy briskly brushed the laughing Seme off and Sai fell to the floor with an ungraceful thud, the pain immediately ceasing his laughter.

"Ow..." Sai whimpered, rubbing his abused thigh.

The rest of the presents were passed on to Naruto, all with different reactions.

Kakashi gave him a calender.

_Kakashi: It's filled with tons of hot semes! Enjoy!_

_Naruto: But I'm Seme! How come you didn't give me a calender filled with ukes!_

_Kakashi: You? Seme? Hahaha...you ukes have such a sense of humor._

_-Naruto's feelings were very hurt-_

Gaara gave him magic sand.

_Naruto: Oooh. So you put the sand in the water and it turns all pretty?! You don't expect those things from an evil, sand demon-possessed, cold-hearted, Kazekage, now do you?_

Shino gave him tarantula shaped chocolates.

_Naruto: So...this is entirely chocolate right? I won't find a '_surprise_' if I take a bite?_

Shikamaru gave him a book.

_Naruto: "101 Things To Do With Ramen Noodles"? (AN: It's a real book.) You know me so well Shika-kun!_

_Shikamaru: -blush-_

Chouji gave him Kobe beef.

_Naruto: Woooow! Real Kobe beef! I can't believe this? How were you able to afford this? _

_Chouji: I win it in a contest. That's genuine, I hope you know. Pure Kobe beef. Wagyu cattle that lives off beer and ice cream. And up until the moment of slaughter, it's thighs and rump are massaged by geishas! _

_-Naruto and Chouji both look in awe at the Kobe beef- _

_Naruto: Naturally, you'll have to eat with me, of course! _

_Chouji: -blush- Okay... _

_Pause. _

_Naruto: Can we eat it with ramen?_

_Chouji: -face-fault-_

_Neji gave him..._

_Naruto: What the hell is this?!_

_Neji: You don't like it?_

_Naruto: A pack of gum and a pair of plastic chopsticks? This cost you 6,000¥?_

_Iruka: Naruto, don't be stingy._

Itachi gave him a photo.

_Itachi: Of myself!_

_Naruto: Why would you give me a photo of you?_

_Itachi: -pout-_

_Naruto: -nervous- Though it is a very nice photo! _

_Itachi: I got it because it was the best thing in this peasant market. -glares around at the surrounding mall-_

_Naruto: -laughs nervously-_

"Where's Sasuke?" Naruto wondered aloud?

As if on cue, Sasuke came through a separating crowd of people looking indeed very pissed. He was handcuffed and was being pulled along by two shinobi.

"Hey you!" Naruto called out and ran towards the captive Sasuke. "Where are you taking Sasuke?"

"Sasuke? No, no, no. You have it all wrong young lady. This is an Uchiha imposter."

Naruto's face went red in embarrassment and anger. "Who the hella are you calling 'YOUNG LADY'!?!"

The shinobi took a step back. "Okay _sir_, this 'Uchiha'," he took a disdainful glance towards Sauke, "is a thief!"

"Sasuke? No! Sasuke never steals! He can explain this misunderstanding, right Teme?"

"Um...W-Well you see..." Sasuke stuttered, "first of all! I _am_ Sasuke Uchiha! Second, I was just trying to get Naru-chan the perfect present! Is that too much too ask? I just wanted to get him the best present!"

Naruto was stunned into silence...and that's saying something.

"You got arrested to get the perfect present for me, Teme?" Naruto whispered.

"Well, yeah. It was going to be your first birthday present from me, so I wanted it to be special."

"Aww...that's so sweet..." one of the nins cooed while witnessing the touching scene.

"It was just an act of love, sir." Naruto sighed happily, "Can't you let Sasuke go? This _is_ his first offence..."

"If this really is the Sasuke Uchiha you claim him to be, this is certainly not his first offence." said one of the men.

"What?!" Naruto gasped.

"He was caught looting some perverted books a few years back...we let him go that time, but we won't let him escape justice twice!" said one of the men dramatically.

"Oh no! How long will he be in for?" Naruto wondered aloud.

"Seven or eight hours...give or take."

"Really?" Sasuke asked astonished at the small amount of time.

"Really, kid. But c'mon. You still have to do your time."

As they dragged Sasuke away, Naruto suddenly asked, "Hey Teme! What were you gonna get me?"

"A foot massager! Orange, personalized, and everything!" Sasuke called back but the youngest Uchiha missed Naruto's smile.

**Naruto's Confessional: He remembered how I said I wanted one back in our Genin days...**

_Sasuke..._

The entire group heard nothing yet they were able to figure out that Sasuke was going to jail.

**Itachi's Confessional: Oh no... my foolish little Otouto has become a drug addict. He's dragging our family name through the mud! It was crack wasn't it? Pot? Ecstacy? Did the massacre of our clan really bother him that much?**

**Itachi sighed.**

"Don't drop the soap little brother!" he called out in futile.

* * *

_Back at the Mansion:_

"Moegi, Konohmaru, Udon. Is the Ceremony ready?"

"Yup, chief!" the three chorused.

"Good. Let's begin."

Naruto walked briskly to the table.

"No time for games because Sasuke-teme decided to get his ass thrown in jail and I have to bail him out after this."

The men snickered at the youngest Uchiha's misfortune.

**Itachi's Confessional: Goddamn drugs...**

Naruto raised a cup and called out, "Gaara."

The redhead smirked and went to retrieve his cup.

"Shikamaru."

The shadow-user sighed in relief and muttered how the short wait was troublesome.

"Chouji."

The chubby boy (who may have gained a good five pounds after this afternoon) walked up shyly to greet the blond.

"I'm looking forward to us putting that Kobe beef to good use, Chouji." Naruto whispered into the other's ear, driving the brunette up the wall with depraved ideas.

The other Semes glared with jealousy.

And the names were called out one by one: Kiba, Shino, Kakashi, Itachi, Sai, and surprisingly Neji.

"So it has come down to me and Sasuke-san, ne Naruto-kun?" Lee asked sadly.

"Aa." said Naruto.

"Lee, you're present was very sweet. And I can tell you put so much thought into it. But the main point of this challenge (besides me getting presents) was for me to find someone who understands me. The eyebrows, Lee, was_ very much _not me. They were you. But the thought was sweet, and even though some people also missed the entire point of this challenge," the blond glowered pointedly at Itachi and Neji, "you, Lee, were _very_ off."

"But Naruto-kun..."

"And, yes. I do know that Sasuke going to jail for a _present_,was a little over the top. I really didn't expect that sort of drama, especially from Sasuke. He should have known that giving me anything that remotely symbolizes me or simply something _orange _would satisfy me. But the fact that he remembered what I wish I had the money to purchase for from way back when we were twelve, really blew me away. It made me see that maybe Sasuke cared for me longer and so much more than I may have ever realized."

Lee sighed.

"So Lee, please don't be offended but I think it is your time to go." Naruto lifted up the cup revealing Sasuke's name.

"And when Sasuke's bail is finally paid I think he'll be glad to know that he won the challenge!"

The other men grumbled angrily.

"Goodbye, Naruto-kun. Good luck finding that special someone."

"Thanks Fuzzy Brows! You too!"

Rock Lee gave a final Nice Guy Pose, a blinding smile, and grabbed his pre-packed luggage from a random servant, as he left the building.

The rest of the room's occupants went upstairs to prepare for bed, while Naruto headed out with his favorite frog purse to bail Sasuke out of prison.

**Naruto's Confessional: (chuckle) I hope he didn't drop the soap.**

* * *

_Konoha Prison (Or Wherever They Keep Their Criminals):_

"Hiya Sasuke! You alright?"

"Hey Naruto. Yeah I'm fine..." The Uchiha smiled, glad that the blond came to pick him up.

"Oh my god! Sasuke! What happened?!" Naruto squeeled.

"Huh?" Sasuke stopped rubbing his abused ass to look at the blond.

"Why are you clutching your ass? Did y-you drop the soap?!"

Sasuke gave the blond a blank stare.

"Did I drop the soap?" Sasuke looked at Naruto with a 'WTF' expression.

Naruto's large watery blue eyes provided no answer.

Sasuke then realized what the shorter boy meant and smiled, truly touched by the blond's concern.

"No, yet almost as bad."

Naruto gasped.

"I think that guy gave me a cavity search just because he could..." Sasuke grimaced.

Naruto paused and then giggled.

"Sasuke-teme's patrolling shinobis were ecchi ecchi hentai!" Naruto laughed.

Sasuke swatted at the blond playfully.

"Shut up, dobe."

And the two walked back to the mansion, joking and laughing as they did six years ago.

* * *

_In Bedroom 5 (A.K.A. Kaka's Pad):_

Kakashi laid awake in his bed. As the moonlight poured in from his window, he was kept alert by his thoughts.

_Iruka looked a tad bit cute today when he saw what I gave Naru-chan. That calendar with all those Semes had him blushing like mad._

The silver haired man chuckled.

If he weren't so into his precious Naru-chan, he would have thought that Iruka's blush was cute. And that the scar over his nose was undeniably attractive...bordering sexy. And maybe even that his protective worrying was heart-warming and adorable.

But that was if he didn't love his Naru-chan.

And he did, so all of those things about Iruka were invisible... even to his Sharingan eye.

* * *

AN: Okay so you got twenty six pages, humor, fluffiness, some SasuNaru, some KakaIru and tons of other good stuff to make up for my late update. 

Be happy and review. Remember...ten guys left. Vote.

**Challenge: Where did the inspiration for Sasuke deciding to steal come from? It came from the same place as did the idea for Chouji's Kobe beef.**


	6. Cherries or Bananas? Part I

_Title:_ The Ukette

_Author:_ myinukoi

_Pairings:_ SasuNaru, NejiNaru, GaaNaru, ShikaNaru, ChouNaru, KakaNaru, ShinoNaru, KibaNaru, ItaNaru, SaiNaru.

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own Naruto or Malcolm in the Middle.

* * *

**Dedication to: **(Challenge winner:) bunnykitune, Kativa-chan, Jezzit, CherryShadowZ, MilitantAngel23, Lady of Reversing Time, the ice wolf alchemist 

Answer: Malcolm in the Middle

**Birthday**: 678yui-julie-and-kiki-kitten (December 19)

(A/N: Don't feel hesitant to tell me your birthday in a review! I'll give you a dedication!)

* * *

**Bold: Confessional Room**

_Italics: Flashback _(There will be tons of flashbacks in this chapter! xD)

* * *

C h a p t e r 6: **Cherries or Bananas? Part 1

* * *

**

Fist, swords, feet, opposite chakras, and equal killer intent clashed as the two nins fought ruthlessly. Rocks and debris descended down towards an unknown oblivion as their chakra-induced footsteps caused the narrow-pathed cliff to crumble.

The snake Sannin drove his sword through his opponent's chest. The other screamed in agony and unconsciously moved closer to the edge of the steep mountain.

"Naruto Uzamaki," the snake Sannin's voice caused a shiver of fear to volt down the blond boy's back. Naruto edged away from the man. "You do not yet realize your importance. You've only begun to discover the Kyuubi's power. Join me."

Naruto ignored the words of the ebony-haired manipulator and unknowingly reached the steep edge of the cliff.

"With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to all Shinobi Nations!"

"I'll never join you!" Naruto spat out in pure loathing.

"The Third had never told you what happened to your father..." Orochimaru's voice dripped with evil intent.

Naruto glared at him. "My father... I don't have a father!!"

"No, Naruto Uzamaki," Orochimaru grinned sickly, "_I am your father_!"

Orochimaru then pulled at his hair, and right before Naruto's eyes, the skin glided off -a mask!- to reveal a strong jawed, deeply tanned face; with dark blue eyes and sunshine blond hair.

"Yondaime!" Naruto gasped.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!"

* * *

**beep!! beep!! beep!! beep!!**

* * *

Naruto shot out of bed in a cold sweat. He observed his surroundings. Rich, expensive, plush furniture. He heard Chouji's snoring in the other room. The smell of breakfast being cooked by the servants, wafting through his door. 

He was still in the masion. Still with ten hot guys. He was still with The Ukette.

(The dream sequence was weird, huh? I don't watch Star Wars, just copied a scene that I saw on Youtube. Hope it came out okay. I can see a twist like that happening during the last episodes of Naruto. xD)

The blond sighed and gazed wearily at his alarm clock after turning it off. '9:32? Time to wake up!'

Sleepiness drained away and his body became quickly flooded with pure adrenaline.

Naruto leaped out of bed and zipped through his bathroom, closet, and bedroom to prepare for the day. He looked like the Energizer Bunny. In a mere five minutes, at 9: 37, Naruto Uzamaki was out the door and ready to begin the day and greet his favorite bishounens.

* * *

"So are we all done with breakfast, now?" Naruto beamed at the Semes. 

"Aa, Naru-chyaaan!!" The group of men chorused.

"Alright then! Get your ass upstairs, you should all know what is awaiting you by now, ne?" Naruto looked around at the guys.

Wait. Where are the guys?

Naruto turned hearing plenty of ruckus coming from the staircase leading to the Semes' dorms.

'Goddamit...'

* * *

"Fuck you! Get the hell offa me! I was the first one to read it, first one to recognize it! I should be the established official Ultimate Ukette-reader!" Sasuke screamed at Sai, who was wrestling him to the ground, refusing to let him read the mail. 

"Shut up, Foolish Little Brother! Look at my face! _Look at my face_!! My Naruto wanted me to read that letter since the very beginning!! You _and_ that cheap ol' bootleg version of you," (An interjected, "My name is Sai!"), "just got in my way! Fat ass get the fuck off before you cripple me!" Itachi yelled at Chouji, who was sitting on the eldest Uchiha's well-shaped legs in an attempt to keep him from getting any farther up the steps.

"Screw you! I'm **not** fat! I'm chubby! Chubby people can't read mail?! That's _discrimination_ you prejudice sonuvabitch!!!"

"I'll kill you!! I'll kill all of you, goddamnit!" Gaara roared at them all. Particularly Shino, who was holding him back by the sash to his gourd with a death-grip.

"Waaahn! Stop it, Shikamaru! Not my hair! Kami!!" Neji cried, a few tears threatening to spill out, as his hair was pulled roughly by the shadow-user.

As all the men struggled to come up with a plan, our long-haired Hyuuga had an... _over-due _epiphany. "Well, golly Godaime...," he gasped at the sheer brilliance of his previous thought. "I have a Byakugan..."

All the men stopped their violent bickering.

"What..." Kiba breathed into the silence.

"I have a _Byakugan_, biiiitches!" Neji cried out in triumph. As the other Semes attempted to tackle him, the pale-eyed boy began reading the Ultimate Ukette mail from a distance.

"_Dear Semes_," Neji chocked out, seeing as Shikamaru decided to stop pulling his hair and instead use the ponytail to strangle the Hyuuga instead.

"_How ya doin'? Been a while since we had a challenge, huh? Well, don't worry! I don't feel the need to put your loyalty and love to the test... for now. -insert evil grin here- But that doesn't mean eliminations are on hold! Instead I'll be spending the day getting to know you all. I haven't gotten much one-on-one time with you guys, so why not now? I'll be spending thirty minutes with each of you. Here's a list and in which order I'll be meeting you guys and where_:"

Neji paused, drawing out the effect as the men held their breath -forgetting all their death threats aimed at the Hyuuga- to listen.

Neji continued, reading from a list.

"_Name:-------: Place:------- Time:_

_Sai----- Main Living Room----- 3:00 PM_

_Kakashi---------Bedroom 5---------- 3:35 PM_

_Kiba------- Garden 1-------- 4:05 PM_

_Shino--------- Garden 4--------- 4:35 PM_

_Gaara----------- Main Fountain------------ 5:05 PM_

_Neji------- Semes' Dorm Loft---------- 5:35 PM_

_Itachi----- Elimination Room----- 6:05 PM_

_Shikamaru---------Garden 2---------- 6:35 PM_

_Sasuke------- Bedroom 3-------- 7:05 PM_

_Chouji--------- Dining Room--------- 7:35 PM_

_See ya later, alligators! _(AN: God, I love that saying! It never gets old with me.)

_-Naru-chan_"

" 'See ya later, alligators?' It's just like Naruto to say something corny like th-" Kiba was cut off by a triumphant yell from Sai.

"Oh. My. God!!! He picked me first! Me. First. Me first! That's a sign! Watch out assholes, Sai's a threat." He sauntered off towards his room, Neji and Sasuke in grudging tow. "Oooh yeah! Me first! Check it!"

"Hehe...I get to meet Naruto-kun in my_ room_? Hehehe..." Kakashi then erupted into an endless giggling fit.

**Kakashi's Confessional: Oh wait... my room? -remembers how his room looks like (refer to chapter 4)- Well damn.**

All the other semes watched as the silver-haired Jounin went from laughing and blushing, to calm and solemn, to frantic and wide-eyed. "Must...clean...quickly." And Kakashi was gone.

The men blinked, and left the loft, one by one. Only Shino was left.

'Hm...I don't talk much. I don't do much. No one has even seen my face. I leave no lasting impression on Naruto-kun. There's nothing that has kept me from being eliminated besides the simple fact that there is always someone worse than me. But once Chouji is gone (that's mean :P), I'll be at the bottom of this competition. This may be my only chance to prove to Naruto-kun that I care. I can't mess this up!'

Determined eyes were hidden behind dark, circled shades. Shino's hands were fisted in his pocket as he walked off towards his room that he shared with Gaara to prepare for four thirty five pm.

* * *

Sai----- Main Living Room----- 3:00 PM

Sai waited impatiently for his blond, loudly tapping his foot in annoyance and moaning his displeasure.

"Naruto-chan is laaaate!!"

"Sorry, Sai!" A blur of blond sped downstairs and through the great oak doors leading into the large, well-furnished room.

Naruto was out of breath, his cheeks were pink and his eyes sparkled. Sai smiled, "Don't worry about it, koi."

Naruto flushed pink at the nickname and began to explain his tardiness. "Well, I was on my way and then Moegi had to start some mess about me being uke, and I can't let something like that go, y'know? So I told her how I was gonna be Seme, cuz I am--tebayo!! And then...Sai? Why are you looking at me like that??"

Sai bit his lip and leered openly at the blond. When he realized Naruto was directing a question to him, he brushed off the blond's concern with a wave of his hand.

"Nothing, nothing. Please continue, Naruto-kun. I am listening." Sai sat down on a plush sofa, keeping eye contact with the blond.

Naruto smiled and nodded, continuing. "So, I said, 'I'mma be Seme! Look at how big and strong I am!' And she was all 'You look like a girl! Waaahn! What a uke!' And I wanted to slap her but you can't slap girls, especially little girls. Ne, Sai? W-What are you d-doing?"

Sai rested his chin on the smaller boy's shoulder after wrapping his arms around the thin waist and pulling the sunshine-haired boy down to his lap.

"Nuffin..." Sai's voice was muffled as he began to nuzzle the kitsune's neck.

"Well, okay. If you say so. I-I'll just c-continue with my st-story..." Blush. Blush. "A-And then Iruka-sensei came and told us to not fight and he said th-that I wasted n-nearly ten-- Sai, no! Don't do that, it's distracting!!" Sai continued to place small, pin-point kisses on the nape of Naruto's neck.

"Continue." Sai breathed out huskly as he turned his head to molest the other side of Naruto's neck. "Don't worry," he assured. "I won't leave any marks."

Naruto just gulped.

"Al-Alrighty then." Naruto was becoming very uncomfortable. "So he said I was a-about ten minutes late so then I got here as fast as I could. I'm sorry, Sai."

Sai smiled his signature cheery smile. "It's okay, Naruto. I understand. It's not your fault." But Sai didn't understand, because his attention wasn't with Naruto's words but rather his lithe body.

Naruto smiled, but a frown quickly returned. "I hope you know that our thirty minutes was cut short. I won't be able to spend as much time with you as I will the others. Please don't be mad at me." Naruto pouted and his eyes were downcast.

Sai unlatched himself from the blond's neck and spun him on his lap so they were now face to face, chest to chest, _groin to groin_. Sai smirked.

"Don't worry, Naruto. We'll just have to make good use of the little time we have." Sai grinned lecherously.

Naruto nodded, face still pink and eyes still clouded from Sai's foreplay. "Aa, Sai. You're right. We should make good use of-- Hey!! Are you thinking about something perverted!"

"Nooo..." Sai blinked in innocent confusion.

"Kyaa! Sai! I don't want to make out! I want to talk! Let's get to know eachother." Naruto slid off the other's lap, leaving a delicious tingling affect of after-friction on Sai's legs. He groaned miserably at the loss of contact.

"We already know each other!! We were on the same team for forever!"

"True. But I feel I could learn more...you are so _mysterious_ Sai. What makes you tick?" Naruto lied down on the couch and rested his head on his propped up arms. He watched Sai diligently, waiting for an answer.

The answer came rather quickly.

"My penis." Sai answered without a hitch in his voice, a tinge on his cheeks, or a waver in his stare.

Naruto sweatdropped.

**Naruto's Confessional: I should've known.**

"And your penis." Sai added in a futile attempt to seem selfless.

Naruto sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

_Oh lord..._

**Sai: Yea, it's true we had little time, but I believe we made the best of it. ((evil snicker)) We definitely talked a lot. Well...we used our mouths a lot. Well..._I_ used my mouth a lot. But I think we both enjoyed the experience all the same. ;D There's no way Naruto-kun will eliminate me after the wonderful time we spent together. ((grin))**

**Naruto: He MOLESTED me the whole time!! I told him 'lets talk' but it was like he couldn't hear me! He acted like a brainless idiot! No surprise though. With people like Sai, there probably isn't enough blood for them to use their brain and dick at the same time!! I hope the next one is a bit more talkative. Sai provided me with enough perversion to last me a _week_!! Who's the next guy...Kakashi? The Super Pervert, Kakashi (Excuse me, Ero-sennin. No offence. I just really wanted to get my point across.)?! Chances of not being molested... _zero_, you say? Well, fuck.**

* * *

Kakashi---------Bedroom 5---------- 3:35PM

"Kakashi! Your room is sooo--" Naruto prepared to go on a full-fledged barrage of curse words and insults to fully describe his disgust at the porn-ridden room. You must admit, it would be an experience-worthy right to assume his irresponsible, mind-corrupting, unreliable, perverted, ex-sensei of turning his room into a one-person brothel as soon as his roommates were eliminated.

But Naruto was very surprised to see that the room was...ordinary. A few clothes about, open texts, messy bed, but the room was all-around...

..._normal?!_

To shock Naruto even more, Kakashi was resting on the bed_, fully-clothed_, not giggling, and reading...

...Broaden Your Shinobi Intellectual Horizon: '_105 Differences Between Chakra and Chi_'

The ex-ANBU's head snapped up in surprise as he felt the two resounding thuds of a kunai and shuriken embed in the headboard his head was resting against.

In a split second Naruto was behind 'Kakashi' with a second kunai at his throat. "Who the fuck are you and what have you done to Kakashi!?!"

"Aww...Naruto-kun! You're concerned over my well-being! I'm touched!" Kakashi dropped the book to let his hand slither up Naruto's inner thigh and brush against his groin.

"Gah!" Naruto jumped away, the kunai in his hand flew through the air and landed with a 'clink' on the hard-wood floor, making the blond jump a second time.

Kakashi watched the flustered, paranoid blond and smiled at how adorable his kitsune was.

_So cute..._

"Okay," Naruto ran a hand through his yellow locks and sighed, aggravated. "You are Kaka-sensei."

Naruto could see the outline of Kakashi's lips turn upward in a smile through his mask.

"So, ya ready to talk?" Kakashi asked putting his innocent book down, folding a page's corner to mark his place.

"Um, yeah..."

"Any questions?"

Naruto stood up and sat down on the bed. "Yeah, Kakashi. I was wondering since you were my sensei and all...when did...you know? You start to l-like me?"

Kakashi's one eye became intense with so much feeling that Naruto, for once in his life, became thankful that the Jounin had a mask to cover the rest of his face. For if not, the blond would have surely fainted from the intensity of the deep, undescribable, profound emotion that took refuge on his ex-sensei's face.

Hatake cupped the other's cheek. "Since the very moment I saw you, Uzamaki Naruto..."

"Really?" Naruto wondered aloud, face flushed. Could his sensei have really had feelings for him all this time? He always thought Sasuke was Kakashi-sensei's favorite. To think that Kakashi-sensei loved him for so--

"Naw, I'm just joshin' ya!" Kakashi laughed. "Haha! You should've seen the look on your face. You were all," And Kakashi made an over dramatic expression of Naruto when he revealed his false answer. He then slapped his thigh and hooted in laughter. "It was sooo funny!!"

A vein bulged in Naruto's forehead and he picked up Kakashi's '_105 Differences Between Chakra and Chi_' and wacked him hard in the head with it.

Kakashi clutched his head. "Owww...Naruto-chan! Why?"

" 'Cuz you were being a ruddy asshole!!"

"You know I was just playing with you. I loooove you, Naru-kun..." Kakashi, who was now on the floor, propped himself on his knees and nuzzled his masked face into Naruto's closed lap.

Naruto pushed him away and glared at the floor, only to find Kakashi's supposedly ninja educational book on chakra and chi, to actually have wedged in it's center and deep in it's spine, '_Icha Icha Paradise: Volume 6'._

Kakashi followed Naruto's gaze to his porno literature and laughed nervously. "Well you see...what had happened was..." The silver-haired man had tried to explain.

Yet, he was cut off as Naruto raised a hand to his face. "Don't insult me with half-baked excuses and barefaced lies. Let's forget it and please answer my question, _truthfully_. No more games."

Kakashi frowned. "No more games?" He questioned with a pout.

"No more games, Kakashi." Naruto repeated.

"Okay, fine." He inwardly whined. "Here's how the story goes..."

--((Flashback))--

_"Kakashi-sensei! Why did you bring me here? We should be training with Sasuke-teme and Sakura-chaaan!"_

_The two males stopped walking after a good fifteen minutes and Kakashi leaned on a tree's trunk and placed his Icha Icha away. One amused eye took the bitching blonde into regard. _

_"Sit." Kakashi pointed to the tree opposite him, and the blond sat down, still flustered at being ignored. _

_"What?"_

_"Iruka brought me here to teach you something. Something that his super-shy self couldn't teach you on his own, seeing as he might die of embarrassment-induced hyperventilation."_

_"Really?! Is it a new justsu?"_

_"No."_

_"A new shurkien technique?"_

_"No."_

_"A brand-spanking-new kunai combo?"_

_"No."_

_"Kaka-senseiiii!"_

_"I have no idea why Iruka-san would ask me to teach you about this, seeing as I'm the last person anyone else would ask."_

_"Eh? What are you talking about?"_

_Kakashi slid down his trunk so he was face to face with Naruto. "I am going to teach you about the birds and the bees."_

_"Huh?"_

_"Sex, Naruto. Sex."_

_-Three Painstakingly Long Hours Later-_

_"Eeew! Kakashi-sensei! You've raped my innocent mind! I don't want to learn anymore!"_

_"Naruto, stop over-reacting. And don't scream the word 'rape' so loud when you're with me again. I don't want Tsunade on my ass for pedophilism."_

_"Who knew what the banana inbetween my legs can do!?! And diseases that can cause discoloration and warts down there, too! And the sandwich bag I have to put over my banana when I pop a girls cherry!"_

_Kakashi snorted. "Like you'll ever pop a girl's cherry Naruto."_

_Naruto stopped screaming obscenities. "What?! I will too! I will pop Sakura's cherry."_

_"Eww."_

_"Kakashi-sen--!"_

_"Naruto let me teach you one more lesson."_

_"Gah! No! My thirteen year old mind can't take anymore!"_

_"Remember how I explained what an uke and a seme was?" Kakashi asked. Naruto nodded his head, but his tense body proved he wasn't entirely comfortable with the topic at hand._

_"You are an uke."_

_"AM NOT!!"_

_"Now pay close attention. Ukes and semes are very different. In all actually, the only thing they have in common is that they are both boys and that they are both gay. But what I mean in different, is that they both have different tests in life. An uke's test in life is _material. _A seme's test in life is an _uke_. And when I say test, I mean these are the things that they desire. Understand?"_

_Naruto nodded, fascinated, and finally getting into the lecture._

_"Semes have hot ruggad bodies, dark hair, brooding personalities, and an intense gaze. Now, Semes do not have hot ruggad bodies, dark hair, brooding personalities, and an intense gaze because they _like_ them, but because they know that ukes like hot ruggad bodies, dark hair, brooding personalities, and an intense gazes. Got it?"_

_"But Kakashi-sensei! I don't have dark hair, brooding person--"_

_"That's because you're an uke, Naruto." He lifted a finger cutting off the blonds protest._

_"Ukes like comfortable surroundings. Go to an uke's house, his house is comfortable as shit. _(Naruto remembers Iruka's house and nods in agreement.) _Uke's like comfortable surroundings, so semes get comfortable surroundings. Trust me, if a seme could fuck an uke in a cardboard box, he wouldn't buy a house."_

_Naruto 'oooh'ed and 'aaah'ed as he listened, fascinated as his sensei explain the differences between a Pitcher and a Catcher._

_"Well, now I know what I have to do..."_

_The Jounin cocked an eyebrow that went unseen behind his headband. "What is that, Naruto?"_

_"I have to have train harder so I can have a hot ruggad body. Dye my hair. Study Sasuke so I can perfect an ideal brooding personality and an intense gaze, all so I can make Sakura _swoon_. I'll be the perfect Seme...if I were gay. But I'm not. So I guess I'll just have to settle for being a nice guy phoner. Is that what they are called, sensei?"_

_"No, no, no, Naruto-chan, you have me all wrong. First of all, it's called a gentleman caller, and second of all you are not meant to change yourself at all." He moved closer to the blond. _

_"You have the perfect body--lean and lithe." He traced his index finger down the blond's forearm, to his upper arm and then rested his palm on his shoulder. _

_"Beautiful sunshine hair." He racked his left hand through the other's golden locks._

_"A explosive, bright, wonderful personality." He moved his right hand from the other's shoulder to cup his face and stroke the tanned, whiskered cheek gently. Naruto closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, but when he felt his sensei's warm breath on the tip of his nose, he opened his eyes once again._

_Kakashi's was smiling underneath his mask. They locked gazes._

_"And the bluest, most envy-worthy gaze in all of the Shinobi Nations." _

_Kakashi's face got dangerously close and Naruto was as red as a tomato. Scratch that. As red as Hinata!_

_"Naruto!! Kakashi-senseiiii!!! Where are you guys!??!" Sakura's loud voice boomed over the forest._

_Kakashi, with all his natural grace, leaped away from Naruto and back to his tree trunk, signature book in hand and a bored expression in place._

_"Ah, there they are." Sakura found the two men. "Sasuke! They are over here." Within a matter of seconds, Sasuke was right by Sakura's side, calmly observing the two members of Team Seven, with cold yet inquisitive regard._

_Unfortunately, after such an encounter, Naruto was not able to pull himself together as quickly as Kakashi so his teammates concerned gazes rested on him._

_Sakura growled. "Kakashi-sensei what did you do to Naruto?!" Kakashi looked up from his book and blinked in false surprise._

_"Why Sakura-chan. Why do you accuse me of--"_

_"Naruto's blushing! You told him something perverted!!"_

_"Why I never!"_

_"Tch," Sasuke interjected, "we've been gone, training non-stop for three hours, while you were speaking to Naruto. Do you honestly expect us to believe that you said nothing to him. And Kami forbid--if you _did_ something!!"_

_"Here are my precious students, falsely accusing me of such scandalous deeds while they have no proof -whatsoever!- that I even spoken with our beloved Naruto, and yet they--" Kakashi rambled on and the three Konoha ninja continued to argue while Naruto held a hand to his chest to slow down his beating heart and took deep, gulping breaths in an attempt to cool down his searing face. No one bothered to ask him what happened, all already having their own assumptions and to stubborn to believe anything else._

_Naruto tried to stand, but when he was on his feet, he stumbled and that's when Sakura came to the rescue._

_"Awww...my poor _baaaby_! That evil-Kaka man hurted you, eh? Don't worry, Saku-chan's here now." She pulled him to her breasts, and Naruto, with a grin that threatened to split his face in two, delightedly nuzzled her chest. That talk with Kakashi really opened his eyes!! _

_Yet, of course Sakura - still expecting her blond male friend to be inncoent and naive - paid no mind._

_They begin to stumble back to the training ground, Naruto's face hidden in the pink-haired girl's bosom._

_Sasuke finished his glaring contest with Kakashi (and obviously won how much can you do with one eye?), and looked at his surroundings._

_"Where's Naruto?"_

_Kakashi shook his head, ridding himself of whatever temporary hypnosis Sasuke's glare put on him. "While you were brain raping me with your evil Uchiha glare, Naruto went back to the training grounds-- face fucking Sakura's tits all the way." _

_He smirked as he saw Sasuke's face pale, his Sharingan activate, his face go boiled lobster red, and his mouth open to scream: "GODDAMIT, SAKURAAA!!!"_

_And in an instant Sasuke was gone, a cloud of thick smoke, blurred footprints, and evil, killer chakra intent the only sign he'd ever been there._

-:-

_When Kakashi returned to the training grounds, he was unsurprised to see a missing Sakura (whatever reason she was gone, was unknown), a jealous Uchiha, and a pouting blond -- both sitting at opposite sides of the training ground._

_He sighed, as he heard Sasuke mutter a 'Dobe', Naruto utter a 'Teme', and within seconds they were sparring with new determination._

_"Fuck you, Sasuke," he whispered as he saw the Uchiha pin the blond, gaze at him and smirk maliciously as if to say 'You can't beat me'._

_And the Jounin was sure he couldn't. He wasn't exactly sure what they were battling over, but he had a good idea. He wanted to beat the Uchiha up so badly._

_He gazed fondly at Naruto's flushed and frustrated face and sighed as dirty thoughts resurfaced in his mind._

_'I can't think about him like this. It's wrong. I'm his sensei and he's my student. I'm too old. Tsunade will fire me.' His brain rattled off excuses._

_He then saw Naruto, quick as lightening, use the Uchiha's distraction to his advantage as he kneed him in the stomach and flipped them over so their positions were switched. Naruto was now the one pinning Sasuke. _

_He sent a triumphant smile to Kakashi that made the latter man's heart melt._

_'Fuck, being fired. Hmph. It's not like this job pays much anyway.'_

_He then put his arms behind his head after placing his Icha Icha bok away in the chest-pocket of his Jounin vest. He contented his perverted thoughts with mind-corrupting images of an uke!Naruto, his rational sense of mind was stomped away by the heavy shoe of pedophiliac fortification. He rested, cheeks tinted, yet brain free of worry._

-- ((End Flashback))--

"Oh. So that's how it started, eh Kaka-sensei?"

"Aa, Naruto-kun."

"Hehe. I thought it was a little strange that you had the bulge in your pants while you gave me the talk and that you kept shifting."

Kakashi's blush burned through his mask.

Naruto gracefully stood from the bed and pulled Kakashi to his chest, wrapping his arms around the taller man's waist.

"Thank you, Kakashi."

The Jounin's whole face was now crimson. "What for?" What is he thanking me for?

"For giving me The Talk... and not molesting me. Also for explaining your feelings to me. I really appreciate it."

The silver-haired man wrapped his strong arms around the blond as well and they silently cuddled until it was finally Naruto's time to go.

**Kakashi: Gah! I hate sharing my feelings!! But if it keeps me in this competition...**

**Naruto: Ah, Kakashi was so sweet! I can't believe he discovered his feelings for me while giving me The Talk. It makes him seem as such a pervert, but it's better that I recieved all my sexual education from him rather than Jiraiya! (shudders) It was really sweet that he made me feel good about myself. I realized I don't need to have dark hair, be tall with huge biceps, and a emo bastard to be a seme! Naruto Uzamaki: First blond, blue-eyed, slightly (very, very, very slightly) feminine bodied, seme! Believe it! **

* * *

Kiba------- Garden 1-------- 4:05 PM

"Hey Mutt-shit!! How's it going??"

Kiba's head snapped away from the game of fetch he was enjoying with Akamaru. Akmaru saw the blond and yipped happily, momentarily stopping after throwing the Naru-plushie to his master. Kiba quickly removed the blond toy from his mouth and hid it behind his back, that was just a while ago thrown to him to fetch by his pet.

"Hey Foxy! I'm fine, you? You still alive after being bored to death by those last two mind-numbing dipshits?"

Naruto blushed at the double meaning to 'Foxy' and then smirked. "Mind-numbing dipshits, ay? Are you promising me a good time?"

"Of course. You and me should go paint this village red!!"

"Ugh! Red? Why not orange??" Naruto's face turned up in a scowl.

Kiba looked at the blond weird, but finally shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever you want, baby!"

"Wahn! Kiba is so nice!!" The inu-boy was glomped.

"That I am, Naru-koi. That I am." He rubbed the small of the blond's back.

Naruto buried his head further into Kiba's neck, inhaling the wild, spontaneous, uncontrollable scent of the Inuzuka.

"Come with me behind those bushes and I'll show you how nice I am." Kiba winked and nipped the blond's ear.

Naruto jumped back and swatted at the other playfully, but his gaze was serious. "Uh-uh. I learned my lesson last time with that other baka. I may be a dumbass, but I never make the same mistake twice!-tebayo!"

Kiba frowned, unsure of the blond's meaning, but shrugged it off aside for later pondering as he asked the blond. "Then what do you want to do, eh?"

"Talk."

"Talk!!"

"Yes, Kiba. Did I stutter? Talk."

"Did you talk with Sai and Kakashi?"

"Aa." Naruto scratched the back of his head nervously. His false smile was sheepish.

**Naruto's Confessional: It's not an entire lie. (Remembers meeting with Sai an hour ago) Perhaps what I should have said was that I intended to talk with them. Eh? (shrug) What can you do?**

"Okay." Kiba shrugged, oblivious to Naruto's obvious discomfort. Oblivious? Maybe these two are more alike then we thought. "Let's talk."

"Come with me." Naruto smiled while holding the other's calloused hand, intertwining his fingers with the other's slightly clawed ones.

The blond led the brunette and his never-straying pet to a classic ivory bench, under a swaying-branched willow tree. The surroundings were made of flowers and buds that glistened from the shower one of the many gardeners had given them mere hours before. The grass was an over watered, nearly blue-green. The birds were chirping a merry tune in the high branches of trees and the little delicate butterfly wings danced before the warmness of a multi-colored rainbow...

But the two, so similar, decided the whole scene was too girlishly romantic for them, and chose to remove their attention from their surroundings and instead focus on each other.

"Kiba when did you realize that you had feelings for me?" Naruto questioned, his deep eyes serious as he gazed into Kiba's blask slittish irises.

The red markings of the Inuzuka's cheeks became invisible in the heat of his blush.

"I...I..-U-uh..er...wait. What?"

"When did you discover you had feelings for me, Kiba?"

Kiba twiddled his fingers together and looked down, his face a tomato--a habit he undoubtedly picked up from Hinata. "D-Do I really h-have to tell you?"

Naruto was shocked at this new Kiba he was seeing. He wouldn't believe it if he was told this from somebody else, but how can you deny such a fact when you're seeing the truth right in front of your eyes?

"Kiba?"

"Okaylemmeexplainjustpleasedon'tbemadatmebecauseitwasn'tmyideaitwasKurenai-sensei's!! Okay? _Okay_?!"

"Um...okay? Alright...? Go ahead Kiba..."

Naruto, for once in his life, waited patiently for his friend to gather his courage and then he began to speak.

-(Flashback)-

_"Kurenai-sensei, I don't think this is a good idea..."_

_The red eyes kunoichi smiled. "Of course it is, Kiba!! Would I ever steer you wrong? Actually...don't answer that."_

_"I _really_ don't think this is a good revenge tactic...Maybe if we think this out a little more, we can come up with a better plan, y'know?"_

_Kurenai's triumphant smirk faded and a serious look came to her eyes. "Where is the Kiba I know that would jump at the chance of such revenge, huh? Where is the Kiba I know that would want to rip the blond's reputation apart for that cruel prank he played on you, eh?? Not only did Naruto-kun steal your woman, he embarrassed you, made you look like a fool in front of her!!" _

_She then started to giggle a bit. "Though I have to admit, that was pretty funny...who knew you wore Inuyasha boxers?"_

_He growled at his sensei and her girly giggles immediately ceased in fear. "Grr...That is right! How could he do that to me? Embarrass me for a good laugh?! We don't get along well, but we still have a stable friendship. He always breaks sweet Hinata's heart when he goes after Sakura," _It always kinda hurts mine, too._ "And he pretends he's all oblivious to her feelings and he knows that I like her and he did that in front of all the kunoichi and Hinata! Especially Hinata! Then he laughed! Why did he laugh, Kurenai sensei?? ("'Cuz it was funny." Another growl cut her off.) Kiba's blush returned and Akamaru rubbed his head affectionately against his best friend's leg in sympathy. "And for your information, Inuyasha is the best goddamn show ever!!" _

_He did a Nice Guy pose._

_Kurenai sweatdropped._

_-:-_

_"Okay, Akamaru, wait on this branch and be quiet." Kiba whispered to his canine friend as he sat in a tree by the window of his blond _ex_-friend's apartment. He smirked as he remembered the plan._

"Step 1: Get into the apartment."

_He leaped to the outside ledge of the window, used a quick standard ninjutsu technique and within eight seconds was within the blond's small, shabby apartment. Step one, complete._

"Step 2: Find the bedroom."

_Kiba looked at his surroundings and quickly realized he was in Naruto's tight-spaced bathroom. He squeezed himself to the door, opened it, and quickly found the single room connected to the others without a door. The room contained a small televison, video game stationary, comics, half-nude girl calender, empty ramen cups, ninjutsu/genjutsu scrolls, comics, and a small stained mattress on the floor with two thick blankets on it in disarray. The bedroom. Step two, complete._

"Step 3: Position the evidence."

_'That isn't hard', the Inuzuka smirked. He unstrapped the duffel bag on his shoulder, pulling out all the dildos, gags, leather shorts, yaoi/shounen-ai comics, all sixty-three Icha Icha novels, gay movie tapes, and Grand Theft Auto San Andreas--storing it all under the blond's mattress. He smiled at the large lump pushing up the bed. 'That oughta draw some attention', he smirked._

_Now to wait for Naruto and the four other kunoichis to arrive. Hinata or Sakura, being so perceptive, will find the evidence and Naruto's reputation will be ruined for life._

"Step 4: Wait. _Patiently."_

_Kiba remembered how Kurenai stressed the last word. He can be patient. Very patient. Yes he could._

_He leaped out the window next to Akamaru and waited._

-Two Minutes Later-

_"Ugh! I'm so bored! Hinata, Sakura, Ino, Ten Ten and Naruto are taking too long. Auuurgh!"_

-Five Minutes Later-

_"When are they cooooming!!!"_

_Akamaru's ears were flat on his head and he whined. Kiba was so loud! He's gonna give their position away anytime now!_

_Kiba paid no mind and continued complaining._

-Twenty Minutes Later- 

_Kiba was asleep._

-Twenty two Minutes Later-

_Kiba awoke._

-Twenty five Minutes Later-

_Naruto and the girls arrive._

-:-

_Akamaru barked in happiness._

_"Okay, Akamaru. This is it! Let's go!"_

_The infamous duo changed their position to the other side of the apartment, and watched as Naruto carried the girl's loads and loads of shopping bags into his apartment. Hinata, the only one holding her own, blush as Naruto opened the door for them and she carried herself and her tiny, modest bag into the blond's apartment._

_The other girl's came in, chatting and laughing. Hinata was quiet as she took in her surroundings, this was her first time in her crush's apartment. She inhaled deeply. Ignore the strong reek of stale ramen, and it smelled _just like him...

_She blushed._

_"Maaa! Take your bags! My arms are jelly!!" The giggling girls quickly retrieved the newly-bought belongings from the suffering blond. He stretched out his arms._

_"Never again are you guys taking me on another one of your mall-raving shopping sprees! My arms are soooo damaged! I'll need to see Baa-chan after this!! Damn you all!! And you don't even seem the least bit sorry after what you did to me!!! Fuck!" He cursed as he felt something pop in his shoulder._

_"Aww...Naru-chan! You know how sorry we are. We never like to hurt you!" Ino cooed, petting his blond hair. They all took turns kissing him on the cheek. Hinata's pupil-less eyes narrowed in jealousy, not only because she was jealous of how they kissed her Naruto (yes, she admits she's only _slightly_ possessive. Who isn't when it comes to someone like Naruto?), but also at how she could never find the courage those girls seemed to be born with and kiss her love on the cheek as well._

_The blond's face went red and his anger and pain were soon forgotten._

_-:-_

_Naruto made them all something to snack on. They talked about random things, until the subject of Naruto's latest prank came up._

_Kiba, still outside the window, strained his sensitive ears to hear._

_"Haha! Naruto that was so meeeean!! I can't believe you did that!" Ino laughed._

_"Mean?" He questioned, honestly confused. How could it be mean?_

_"Yeah," Sakura chimed in. "You know how he feels about someone," he threw a significant glance at Hinata. "It wasn't very nice to do that to him in front of that person."_

_Ten Ten began to laugh to. "But you have to admit! It was hilarious!!"_

_Naruto, not understanding why Sakura looked at Hinata when she mentioned a 'someone' of Kiba's, chose not to dwell on it and instead turned towards the group of girls, a non-amused expression on his face._

_Kiba and Akmaru watched silently._

_"No, you guys have it all wrong! That prank, it wasn't meant to be mean! You see, you guys know how I pranked all of you." The girl's humorous expressions left in a flash and grimness was on their faces. How could Sakura forget the pickle incident? Or Ino the hair curling catastrophe? Ten Ten will forever remember that one day she was attempting to tie her signature buns up with 'ribbons'. And even Hinata's love-struck expression grew weary at the memory of her rock climbing expedition..._

_Naruto quickly continued as he felt the temprature in the room drop by several degrees. "I tricked everybody. Our sensei's, Hokage, Ero-sennin, Sasuke, Neji, Temari, _Ayame (_Ichiraku girl_)_, and her dad, _everybody

_...Except Kiba. I never realized it until the week before the prank. You see, I prank people to show that I care. Why? Because over-all, it's the only non-violent thing I'm good at. I show you my affection and I make my other friends laugh. I thought you all realized this...! Anyways, as I was going over my most front-page worthy pranks, I realized that I never targeted Kiba. He was always the one helping me, y'know? But I thought that if I didn't prank him, he would feel left out. So I did. A _really _good one. To show I _really_ care. But unfortunately, he took it the wrong way and hasn't spoken to me since."_

_He sighed._

_"That's why I got him this." He opened up his single shopping bag to reveal a light brown puppy with red triangles on his cheeks and a feral grin, similar to the young Inuzuka's. He turned the plush-toy over to reveal the words 'To: Mutt-shit! From: Foxy' on it's backside in ravage script._

_The girls 'ahh'ed and 'ooh'ed at the explanation and gift._

_-:-_

_One month, two weeks and two days after Naruto pulled the prank._

_Three weeks, four days after Kurenai and I devised our plan._

_Five days, eight hours to obtain all the needed materials._

_Twenty eight minutes to stealthily break into the apartment and plant the 'evidence'._

_Yet, only eleven point two seconds to break into the apartment again, retrieve all 'evidence', and ruin many, many days of revenge-worthy work._

_He can't hurt the blond afer witnessing such a heart warming confession and adorable gift as that._

_Kurenai-sensei will be so disappointed._

_-:-_

_Kurenai watched, snickering, as Kiba carried home a bag full of dangerous reputation-killing material._

Burn it, Kiba.

_It took a lot of precious time to complete her self-given mission, but she was glad it was a success. _

_Now that Kiba was no longer drooling over Hinata, maybe training could be normal again._

_She smiled, after the way she saw Kiba look at Naruto after he got him that present, such tenderness in his eyes, she believes the brunette realized that Hinata wasn't as important to him anymore._

-(End Flashback)-

Kiba looked at Naruto's eyes shyly, ashamed of his past actions.

Naruto was glaring at him!

"You were trying to trick me, King of Pranks!!" he dubbed himself.

Kiba felt anger flare to life. "I would've. Actually, I saved your life! You could've possibly _died_ to all the blood that would've wound up in your head from blushing!"

"It wouldn't have worked." The blond said calmly, arms folded across his chest and head turned to the side.

"Yes, it would've." Kiba copied the other's bodily gesture and calm composure.

"Wait! So was it you that put that thing there??"

"Thing?" Kiba questioned.

"Yea, that same night when I was going to sleep, I felt something lumpy under my matress..."

'Uh-oh,' Kiba thought in worry, 'What if I accidently left something...?'

"Uh-huh, it's long and orange." He blushed. "It kinda resembles the banana between my legs."

"Oh God..."

"But it's okay. I really like it! I use it all the time..."

"Naruto, I am _so_ sorr- Wait! What?!"

"I use it all the time!" he repeated. "It works so well. You hafta tell me where you got it! They come in different colors, right?"

"The di-dildo?"

"Dildo? That's what they're called? God, I _love_ them. Bu to be honest, I still prefer the real things."

Noooooose bleeeeeeeeed.

"I gotta go!" Kiba left the garden in a flash. Akamaru, who was happily chasing a butterfly, stopped and looked at the blond as if to say, 'What did you do? 'Cuz if you dare hurt him...'

Naruto gulped then shrugged.

Akamaru quickly chased after Kiba, barking loudly all the way.

Naruto didn't bother going after them seeing as their conversation time was nearly over anyway. But why did Kiba freak out? He loved his dildo! Everyone should have one. There is even a special button that makes it vibrate! He uses his dildo to unclog his sink when he accidently throws his badly cooked ramen down the drain. When you put it on vibrate, it really gets the grime out!

**Kiba: The meeting was very...very... ((nosebleed)) Oh no!**

**Naruto: He honestly thought he could trick me! What a laugh!

* * *

**

Shino--------- Garden 4--------- 4:35 PM

Naruto took his time to meet Shino, seeing as the gardens wern't that far apart. It was nice to relax and enjoy the scenery.

When he finally made it to the bug-user, he wasn't shocked to find out that he blended in perfectly with his surroundings.

"Shinoooo!!!" Naruto yelled to his current companion, disturbing the peace and tranquility of the scene.

"Naruto. You are too loud."

Shino was ignored and instead pulled by a tanned hand to a Sakura tree. They sat under it's cooling branches.

"So..." Naruto tried to start conversation, but his attempts were in vain.

"There is something you want to ask me, Naruto-kun?"

Naruto was shocked. "Wow. You're good. Okay..." he closed his eyes, previously told that his blue depths give himself away. "What number am I thinking of?"

"I'm not psychic, Naruto-kun."

Naruto blinked, confused. "Then how di--"

"I don't need your words to know what you are thinking."

"The psychic thing...you did it again!" Naruto felt flustered.

"You're question?" Shino reminded him.

"Ah! Right! Well I was just w-wondering..." Even though he had asked this question to other competitors, it wasn't getting easier to blurt out.

**Naruto's Confessional: Why did Iruka-sensei make me ask them such personal questions? Gah!**

"When I fell in love with you?" Shino interjected helpfully.

Naruto's eyes rivaled saucers. "How...Are you sure you're no--"

"Aa, Naruto. I'm sure I'm not psychic."

Naruto shook his head, dazed, and then motioned for Shino to explain.

"Well, do you remember that mission that we had together when we we're Genins??" (AN: Episode 186: Laughing Shino. Lovely filler.)

-(Flashback)-

_"Haha! Shino, that was such a great mission, eh?"_

_"..."_

_"Let's hurry back to Konoha! I'm craving Ichiraku's!"_

_"..."_

_"Will you buy me Ichihraku's, Shino?!"_

_"...Maybe. If you behave. Quiet, before you attract rouge ninja."_

_Under the promise of his favorite ramen, Naruto stayed quiet for two more hours. Yet, he jumped around excitedly as a way to exert pent up energy._

_"Let's camp here for the night."_

_"But Shinoooo! Konoha is only ten miles away."_

_"We discussed you questioning my authority, Naruto. It's eleven pm. We stayed out late enough as it is. Set up the tents. I'll get dinner."_

_"I'm not eating no nasty-ass bugs, Shino! Get meat!"_

_Shino glared at him for even presuming that he would dear hurt one of nature's precious insects to temporarily satisfy the idiot's blackhole of a stomach._

_"Fuck off." Shino spat at the blond._

_Naruto gasped but Shino was gone._

_When Shino returned with a dead gopher, Naruto was already in their tent. When Shino began cooking the gopher, Naruto didn't drift out on his toes, nose in the air, at the smell of meat. When Shino finished eating his share of the gopher, he saved the rest for Naruto, assuming he was asleep. _

_When the brunette came into his tent to sleep after cleaning up after a lonesome dinner, he was shocked (but didn't show it) that Naruto was wide awake, his blue eyes rimmed red only leaving the suspicion that he was crying._

_Naruto was looking at him with such heartbroken eyes._

_Shino turned away from the sight and said nothing, knowing that if he was caught in such a vulnerable position (though if that happened, the world would stop spinning on it's axis.), he wouldn't want to be spoken to._

_He got into his sleeping bag and rested for bed._

_Thirty minutes later, he felt a pressure of another presence on his sleeping bag. The presence showed no malice intent, only curiosity. He didn't move a muscle except to stealthily grab a kunai under his pillow, for protective purposes._

_He felt two calloused fingers gently remove his round dark shades and heard the mysterious visitor place them beside his 'sleeping' form._

_Fingers traced his eyelids and brushed against his brows and lashes. It smoothed out tension-induced wrinkles on his forehead, and softened the adult lines on the corners of his twelve year old lips._

_Shino became stone-still, and could easily be assumed as dead._

_He then felt this male, he presumed, to then began unbutton his high-collar jacket quickly, with suddenly cold, trembling fingers._

_'Oh..Oh Kami! Is this man t-trying t-t-to rape me??' For the first time in Shino's life, he felt truly, honestly, get-ready-to-piss-your-pants, scared. _

_And flattered. But only a bit._

_He grabbed the wandering hands with an ice cold grip and opened his coal black eyes to regard... Naruto?_

_Naruto was stunned into submission as he, for the first time in his long time of knowing the other boy, looked into Shino's eyes._

_"Wow."_

_Shino growled. "Naruto. What are you doing?" _

_"Why are you mad at me?"_

_"Mad at you? I'm not mad at you."_

_"You told me to fuck off."_

_"Cuz I was mad... but not at you." He rushed the last part._

_"B-But you cu--"_

_"So, just because I'm quiet I'm not allowed to let loose a bit of profanity here and there. Anyone else would have been able to, Kiba, Sasuke, even Sakura, without the threat of being violated in the middle of the night."_

_"Sorry, I was just curious." Naruto blushed._

_"About..." Shino pressed._

_"You. What you look like. Why you hide. What you're hiding from. How those bugs feel beneath your skin. Why you don't let others touch you. How come--"_

_"Enough. You now know what I look like, right?"_

_Naruto nodded. All in all, Shino looked normal. Granted, he's no Sasuke or Neji. But, he is no Candyman, with countless insects crawling out of every orifice._

_"I hide from nothing. I wear these clothes simply because it is what I like. Sunglasses are cool."_

_Naruto was shocked. Who knew Shino cared about his appearance? He learned today that the boy's reputation was very important after being threatened not to tell anyone about how he was so 'entertaining' at the funeral._

_"The bugs underneath my skin feel comforting. Like a constant massage."_

_"C-Can I touch..."_

_"My face? You already did."_

_"I held back because I didn't want to wake you. If I press in the right spots, can I feel the bugs?"_

_Shino took Naruto's hand and pressed it into certain points on his face. Naruto giggled, laughing that the insects tickled the tips of his fingers beneath the thick skin._

_Shino sighed, content. Holding Naruto's warm hand in his own, pressing tanned fingertips to his face--touching someone after so long. It felt very refreshing._

_He looked at Naruto's face as it was scrunched up in awe. He knew his bloodline limit was nothing to be jealous of. Even though people shied away from him, even his Genin team being uncomfortable with him during their first meeting, Shino never wished to live without his bugs. They were both a part of each other and he cherished them with his life._

_He's never been kissed, girls afraid that with the touch of open lips, swarms upon swarms of bugs will invade their bodies and eat their organs. He heard some crazy rumors about his clan and the Aburame bugs. But dammit..._

_...HE WAS NOT THE CANDYMAN!!_

_Even his mother, born without the bloodline limit and as female as ever, believed their clan was disgusting. To truly live life with bugs infested beneath their skin was not living at all. Yet, she never left the clan. He never forgot the disappointment that shined though her tears as he proudly discovered his bloodline limit._

_After that, his mother refrained from hugging him, much less making any physical contact with him or his father._

_Needless to say, Shino is an only child._

_When they returned to Konoha the next day, Shino treated Naruto to Ichiraku ramen._

-(End Flashback)-

"I wrote you a poem." Shino said.

Naruto smiled. "Your a poet, Shino?"

The bug boy shrugged shyly. He quickly shoved the floded paper into tan hands.

Naruto handed it back. "Can you read it to me?"

Shino took back the creased paper with trembling hands.

He opened up the paper and cleared his throat.

_Here we go Naruto. Notice me._

"Um... It's called, 'Fleas Interest Me So Much'."

Naruto nodded smiling, yet internally wondering how such a poem could relate to him.

"Fleas interest me so much  
that I let them bite me for hours.  
They are perfect, ancient, Sanskrit,  
machines that admit of no appeal.They do not bite to eat,  
they bite only to jump;  
they are the dancers of the celestial sphere,  
delicate acrobats in the softest and most profound circus;  
let them gallop on my skin,  
divulge their emotions,  
amuse themselves with my blood,  
but someone should introduce them to me.  
I want to know them closely,  
I want to know what to rely on."

(AN: Poem by Pablo Neruda.Wonderful poet. I hoped you all didn't think I was capable of writing poetry!)

Naruto clapped his hands in glee. "Can I keep it?"

Shino handed the paper back to him. "Of course. It's yours."

Naruto grinned, having no idea what the poem meant, but promising himself to have Iruka explain it to him later.

"Thank you so much! How nice!"

They both stood up and brushed imaginary (or not so imaginary considiring where they were sitting) dirt off their pants.

"Time for me to meet Gaara! Bye Shino!"

Shino kissed the blond on the cheek, smiling inwardly that the smaller boy didn't even flinch.

"Bye, Naruto-kun."

Naruto blushed and then hugged the insect-user. His tanned fingers pressed into his back and he giggled softly at how he could still feel the bugs beneath the other's skin.

He then raced out of the garden as to not be late for his next meeting.

Shino smiled.

_He's still so warm._

**Shino: ...**

**Naruto: I didn't know that mission meant so much to Shino. And that poem was so sweet! Iruka will explain it to me. Or maybe Moegi? Girls are smart with the poetry, symbolism, metaphor crap, right?? ((sweatdrop))

* * *

**

Gaara----------- Main Fountain------------ 5:05 PM

Gaara waited patiently leaning against the fountain. He smiled at the blond that strolled towards him up the brick pathway.

"Hi, Gaara." Naruto smiled.

Gaara twitched his lips upward, his rendition of a smile. "Good evening, Naruto."

"How have you been?? Competition going well for you?"

"I'm very confident." The red head smirked.

**Gaara's Confessional: Understatement.**

The blue-eyed boy blushed.

"How were your other dates?" Gaara asked suddenly, his voice dangerously calm.

"Um...Gaara? These aren't dates. I'm just getting to know you all better..."

"You've known us for years, why do you need to get to _know us better_??"

"Hey, Gaara! If you have better things to do than talk to me you could've just said so! You're not forced to be here, y'know?!" Naruto yelled out angered, oblivious (-scoff- like this is a suprise!) to Gaara's badly-concealed jealousy.

"No, Naruto. You have it all wrong! I don't want you to talk, or in any way_ be_, with _them_." Sabuku hurriedly tried to explain, in hopes to calm down the blond's easily-ignitable anger.

Naruto blinked and cocked his head to the side. "Why?"

"Because."

Blink. "Because...?"

"..."

Pause.

"Because I don't want anyone else to touch you!!"

Readers, can you hear the metaphorical crickets in the background?

"Um... okay, Mr. Possessive. Well, actually that's Teme's title, so why don't I call you Jelly-chan?"

"What the fuck? Jelly-chan?! He gets Mr. Possessive, but I get Jelly-chan? ...the hell?!"

Naruto scowled, eyes narrowed. So cute! "Jelly-chan as in Jealous-chan?! I thought it was cuter than Mr. Possessive, but if you don't like it, I'll just call you Gaara."

Gaara blinked, a finger to his chin, nose to the sky: a contemplative moment.

**Gaara's Confessional: Jelly-chan _is_ cuter than Mr. Possessive! Now that you think of it, Gaara is such an ugly name. What was mother thinking? How come there wasn't someone like Naruto around to tell her I wanted to be named Jelly-chan? This new epiphany has brightened my life, opened my eyes, revealed new doors of endless hopes and-- **

"Gaara?"

"Jelly-chan?! Jelly-chan it is!"

Naruto beamed. It took three point two seconds for Gaara's heart to recover.

"Come on, let's talk."

The demon-vessel couple walked and sat at the edge of the gushing fountain. A silencing-jutsu was placed on the water so the two could hear each other comfortably.

"So, Gaara. When did you realize you..." Naruto searched for the right word. Could he really use a word like _love _around a person like Gaara? I mean, the red-head is his friends and all, but let's get on the real note. He's scary. Plain and simple. He said he only loved himself.

"...were _attracted_ to me."

"Well, I was _attracted_ to you ever since I first saw you. But if you mean to say as of when I began to have_ feelings _for you...?" He trailed off in question.

"Um...yeah _that_." Naruto trailed off, blushing for the thousandth time that day. So many men, and not even counting all of them, liking him to this degree?!

Sweet. :D

Gaara caught the hesitance in the other's tone as soon as the blond asked the question.

"Naruto, when I was twelve, I was insane. Ignore what I said back then." He grabbed tan hands in his own and leaned over close to look deep within cerulean eyes. "When I met you and I fought you as Shukaku, you made me realize their was so much more to my existence than killing and bloodshed. Darkness and despair. You saved me from me, Naruto. From the darkness that was threa--"

His epic-speech of gratitude towards Naruto was cut short. The shorter teen pointed to the wristwatch on his left wrist.

"Um... not to be mean, Gaara, really, but we don't have much time so I'd really like you to answer the question. Besides the whole 'Thank you, Naruto for saving me from my eternal darkness!' is kinda cliche. I've heard it from everybody!! The villagers, people I was protecting on missions, Sasuke, Neji, Kakashi, Hinata, Shino, Sai, damn even Chouji! CHOUJI!!"

Gaara shrugged sympathetically. "Yeah. I see what you mean."

"The question?"

"Oh yes. Well you see, it all truly started..."

-(Flashback)-

_"So we go to this orphanage, spend three hours with these kids, and make tons of cash?! Isn't hard for me to figure out! You, Gaara?"_

_"..."_

_"Yeah, me too." Naruto smiled._

_"..."_

_"You think so?" The blond beamed again._

_"..."_

_"I'll ask her."_

_"Baa-chan! Why'd you bring Gaara all the way from Sand to go on a mission with me?"_

_"Because like you, Naruto, Gaara holds a demon within him."_

_"What does that have to do with anything?"_

_"The children that you are going to meet have lost everything. You two are here to help them realize that no matter how bad their lives are," she gestured to both of them, "it could always be worse."_

_"Wow." Naruto muttered with sarcasm. "_Thanks_."_

_"Gaara. Try to be a little less--oh! What is it that you are always calling that Uchiha, gaki?- _emo_? please?"_

_"I'm not emo."_

_"Of course you aren't, dear. I'm just a liar." Tsunade rolled her eyes and Naruto chuckled. "Try to be a bit more...sunny. _Cheerful_. If they see you acting the way you are, they might turn out...like, well, a twelve year old version of _you_."_

_It was Gaara's turn to roll his eyes._

_"How is this mission helping Suna?"_

_"..." Silence from both Tsunade and, surprisingly enough, Naruto._

_"I thought so."_

_"Well off you go!" Tsunade waved them away after throwing them their detailed mission scroll._

_---_

_"Haha! Naru-nichan!! That's so cool! I want to become a ninja too so I can do that." The boys and girls clapped appreciatively as they watched Naruto do another balance trick on the water. And then climb up a wall using his two pinkies. And then do an olympic gymnastic routine with his clones. He was the obvious favorite among the children. Gaara watched it all from the shadows, quietly amused._

_A shy boy in the corner, with normal brown hair and eyes, ignored the excited chatter and applause._

_He fumbled with a worn, tattered sneaker on his left foot. His tiny hands fumbled with the strings, and they tangled, like confused snakes, around his fingers and palms. His tounge poked out of the corner of his lips, his eyes were narrowed in concentration, a droplet of sweat drizzled slowly down his temple._

_Gaara chuckled. The boy looked so much like Naruto while practicing his chakra._

_He went over to the quiet kid and silently helped him untangle his hands from their stringy trap._

_"Thank you." The boy smiled in gratitude._

_"What are you trying to do here?" Gaara asked, already knowing the answer, yet trying to start up conversation with this timid child._

_"T-T-Tie my shoes."_

_"Really?"_

_The boy nodded his head. "Aa. N-Naruto said he could do anything. And anyone can do anything if they try. No matter what. He said when he becomes Hokage, he'll find us all good homes. I want to be like Naruto-nisan and make him proud. Daddy was teaching me how to tie my shoelaces before he and mom...d-d-d-"_

_"That's okay," Gaara rested a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to say it."_

_"Thank you, Gaara-san. Well, ever since then I haven't tried and so I had to wear sneakers with straps since none of the care-takers had time to teach me. But I still want to learn how to tie my shoelaces so I can finally wear the shoes that my mom bought for me before she...d-di-..um, _left_."_

_"Here," Gaara picked up the shoelaces, a lace in each hand. "I don't wear sneakers anymore," he showed the kid his ninja regulated foot gear, " But I'll show you how I learned from long ago. It may not be the same as how your father was planning on teaching you, but do your best to try and understand."_

_The kid nodded._

_"Name?" Gaara asked before he began._

_"Hiashu."_

_"Okay, Hi-chan, here we go. Watch carefully."_

_"The rabbit come out of his hole," (Two loops, remember this!), "and runs around the tree." (Loop around other loop, got it!), "But he won't stop laughing at you," (Um..._okay?), _"so you grab it by the tail," (Is this right? Whatever! Then, pull...), "and it rips off your hand! You follow the trail of blood, back to it's hole!!!" (Um...Gaara-san is getting a little violent with this...Should I stop him?) "So then you reach in...pull the rabbit out, and then you _**strangle him**_!!!!" (P-P-Pull!!! Gah!)_

_By this time, Hiashu had his eyes covered in fear but when he opened them tentatively to look at his shoe, he was surprised to see that his shoelaces were in a perfect bow._

_Gaara, unfazed by the boy's fear, smiled (as much as he can). "See? Perfect! And now you're ready to walk around."_

_"Do you mind showing me that a few more times, Gaara?"_

_The red-head shrugged. "Sure. Let's go again." He was ready to untie the strings but Hiashu stopped him._

_"Wait!" Hiashu held his hand up in warning._

_"What?"_

_"Lemme go change my pants." And the brown-eyed boy tottered off._

-(End Flashback)-

"Um...wow, Gaara."

"Yeah. Wow."

"What does that have to do with me?"

"You see, I realized it was you out on the side watching the entire thing." The blond gasped. "You planned that entire thing with Hiashu so I'll be able to connect more with humans. Thank you. It worked. It was then I realized how much you cared about me. How much everyone cared about me all along when I thought I was so alone. Thank you, Naruto."

**Naruto's Confessional: Um... (scratches back of head nervously) That's r-right! I planned that whole thing!**

"Good job on figuring it out, Gaara!" Naruto lied between his teeth with a sheepish smile.

Gaara 'smiled' back.

"Unfortunately, our time is up. Time for me to go meet up with..." Naruto checked his schedule. "Neji!"

Gaara grumbled. "Fine."

The blond waved as he jogged away. "Bye Gaaaara!"

"Bye, my baka."

**Gaara: Naruto...**

**Naruto: Half way through this thing and I'm already tired! Gah, all the emotion! Maybe this more stoic side of the competition will let me relax a bit, right? Huh...right?!**

* * *

AN: Sweet merciful heavens above, I finished it. Not completely, because there is a part two, but damn! My wrists are cracking and my finger tips are numb. Let's see, thirty three pages of pure shounen-ai goodness! I'm pooped. Longest so far! I'm scared. These chapters are getting longer and longer... 

Don't be mad with the late update. The chapter made up for it, no? In length though. Humor--I'm not sure. Yet, you tell me what was funny. I'm too tired to laugh right now.

Apologizing for mistakes now.

**Challenge: When Naruto was having the talk with Kakashi, where did the whole 'a test in life for an uke and a seme' come from. **

**Hint: Naturally, it wasn't really an uke and a seme in the original version.**


	7. Cherries or Bananas? Part II

_Title:_ The Ukette

_Author:_ myinukoi

_Pairing:_ SasuNaru, NejiNaru, GaaNaru, ShikaNaru, ChouNaru, KakaNaru, ShinoNaru, KibaNaru, ItaNaru, SaiNaru.

_Warning: _Yaoi/Shounen-ai, second attempt at humor, serious OOCness, unbeta-ed, language (swearing), kinda AU (but they are still ninjas...just in a different environment), etc, etc...

_Disclaimer:_ The characters portrayed in this story do not belong to me, but to the Naruto anime/manga series by Masashi Kishimoto. This is all fiction; No profit was made from this story so hence, I bear no responsibility for anything you may claim of this story.

**Dedication to: **(Challenge winner:) **hurleysuki**. Her and her alone! I'm glad that challenge was hard so she deserves some real props! The answer was from the Dave Chappelle comedy stand up _Killing Them Softly_. It was hilarious.

(Birthdays): **xxsasunaru4evaxx** (May 22),** BlankityBlankBlank** (Febuary 22)--Wow. That reminds me how long ago my update was...

Happy Birthday:D

(A/N: Don't feel hesitant to tell me your birthday in a review! I'll give you a dedication!)

* * *

**Bold: Confessional Room**

_Italics: Flashback _(There will be tons of flashbacks in this chapter! xD)

* * *

C h a p t e r 7: **Cherries and Bananas: Part II**

* * *

Naruto glanced once more at his tight schedule. 

_Name:-------: Place:------- Time:_

_Sai----- Main Living Room----- 3:00 PM_

_Kakashi---------Bedroom 5---------- 3:35 PM_

_Kiba------- Garden 1-------- 4:05 PM_

_Shino--------- Garden 4--------- 4:35 PM_

_Gaara----------- Main Fountain------------ 5:05 PM_

_Neji------- Semes' Dorm Loft---------- 5:35 PM_

_Itachi----- Elimination Room----- 6:05 PM_

_Shikamaru---------Garden 2---------- 6:35 PM_

_Sasuke------- Bedroom 3-------- 7:05 PM_

_Chouji--------- Dining Room--------- 7:35 PM_

_

* * *

Neji------- Semes' Dorm Loft---------- 5:35 PM_

* * *

He reentered the mansion and walked up the stairs to the room that was the center of all the other Semes' dorms. 

He was greeted by Neji who, neatly cross-legged like a perfect gentleman...

**Naruto's Confessional: Or a fag...**

...was calmly reading a magazine.

**G.4.Y-4-U: New Trends! Look So Sexy, That You'll Change Any Straight Man's Mind!!**

"Um...wow, Neji. I didn't know you were into those kinds of magazines..."

The opal-eyed boy didn't blush as Naruto expected him to. The Hyuuga simply nodded and smiled. "Aa, Naruto-kun. This is the magazine that helped me make you mine."

Naruto decided to not correct the 'genius' and tell him he was not his, he was not _anybody's. _He instead decided to focus on how Neji believed that magazine helped him with that.

"How so?" The blond was glad that he didn't have to ask the embarrassing question of 'When did you fall in love with me??' and all that bull.

"Well, remember that one time when I..."

**-(Flashback)-**

_"Neji, why are you in this big line...? " Naruto questioned._

_Naruto was ready to go home after his solo mission in Waterfall Country. Yet a long line of determined females (and Neji) were causing some serious traffic around the exit/entrance of the foreign main gates._

_"Naruto? Why are you in Waterf--"_

_"Mission. Why are _you_ in Waterfall and why are you in this ridiculous line?"_

_Neji smiled and unfurled a rolled up magazine (**G.4.Y-4-U**) to reveal an ad in its center._

_"I'm auditioning for a photo shoot!"_

_"For..._Herbal Essence_?" Naruto blinked._

_Neji emitted stars and his eyes glowed with wonder._

_"Yes. Herbal Essence. My savior."_

_The blond internally rolled his eyes. "First_ destiny and fate _were your saviors. Then _I _was after the Chuunin exams. Now_ Herbal Essence_? Well, aren't you the damsel in distress?"_

_Pupil-less eyes glared at cerulean. Sometimes, Naruto was so...argh!_

_"Well, I'm in no hurry to get back to Konoha. Failed the mission and I'll pretty much do anything to avoid Tsunade's wrath." Naruto shrugged._

_Neji raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow. "Even be in a shampoo ad?"_

_Naruto nodded, blond locks dipping and rising with every shake of the head. "Even be in a shampoo ad... if it's with you of course."_

_Neji saved his own ego by forcefully convincing himself that red was not tainting his cheeks._

_Several hours later, Neji and Naruto found themselves in the front of the line. The Hyuuga was annoyed because it seems that the small blond fell asleep during the long wait. Neji couldn't just leave the blond on the street near so many leering eyes so he carried his friend on his back and waited patiently for his turn. Of course he put his hair in a high ponytail to keep it from becoming disarrayed during his big break._

_"Ya'll two pretty asses get in here and make it quick. It's not like they're gonna pick you two fags anyway." A gruff bodyguard snorted._

_Naruto was stirred awake by the hoarse voice and his competitive 'give you hell' demeanor emerged in a blinding fury._

_"I'll have you know, dumbfuck, that this second-rate country is dealing with Konoha's most lovely bachelors: Uzumaki Naruto and Hyuuga Neji. Did I mention–Uzumaki Naruto?!"_

_Naruto dramatically leaped off of Neji's sore back and stood, legs spread apart in a triumphant pose, his fist pumped into the air in victorious pride. Actually, if you ignore the drool seeping down his chin and the sleep crust around his eyes, he could truly pass as a confident,_ intelligent, _symbol of authority_

_...Er ...kinda?_

_The large man laughed heartily, a deep bellow that resonated from his tummy and upward, seemingly making the world around him vibrate, and he then patted Naruto's blond mop of hair, affectionately._

_His heavy, calloused hand however was caught with quick Hyuuga grace by none other than a very disgruntled Neji._

_"In case you have forgotten," he bitterly reminded the man, "this is a casting for hair shampoo. Our locks will need to be in tip-top shape and I would appreciate it if you kept your hands to yourself." Neji's cold, calm articulation, heavily contrasted with his previous lively, jaunty, gay self and the man was surprised._

_Naruto made no effort to comment on the teen's behavior when he pushed through the door (and roughly past the bodyguard) being dragged the entire way._

_The two shinobi stood before a small group of stern looking elders that seemed as though they had no business judging teen's hair for a popular shampoo ad._

_For approximately three minutes, neither party made a single comment. Naruto fidgeted, nervous under their scrutinizing gaze. After a long moment of silence, the middle man in the older group spoke._

_"Oi! Riko! Yuki! Get your teams and get these two in hair and make up. Photo shoot in two hours. Make it quick and nice."_

_Naruto's mouth was agape. How could such a professional, scary looking guy sound like such a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy devotee?_

_Hm...well, that's the industrial fashion/cosmetic business for you._

_Neji smirked smugly at Naruto as if to say, 'I told you so. This is our big break.'_

_Cobalt blue eyes narrowed in apprehension and nervousness. "Neji, I'm not sure about this. I'm kinda frightened now. Do you think Konoha will be okay with us making dumbass advertisements instead of protecting out village? What will Hiashi say when he finds out you did this in the name of the Hyuuga clan? What will Tsunade say when she finds out I'm getting pimped out instead of returning my mission report? What will--"_

_Neji placed clean, moisturized fingers on Naruto's pink, perk lips; effectively shushing him._

_"What would you say if I told you I really don't give a flying shit?"_

_Naruto gasped, yet was unable to respond as he and his brunette friend were whisked away by excited cosmetic artists._

_As he was hurriedly put into a rather comfortable seat, he felt tears welling up in his eyes because these employees weren't even preparing him for his photo shoot. They were rather pulling at his hair and cheeks, commenting on how cute he was, would he like a date, and other forms of general flirting._

_It seemed that within the span of two long, aggravating, excessive hours, they were finally done with simply washing his hair, gelling it a bit, cleaning his face, and changing his clothes. Why it took a team of twelve more than a quick thirty minutes to complete that task was beyond Naruto's comprehension._

_When Naruto met with Neji again right before the shoot, he was quite surprised to find that the older boy looked very (long, glossy hair reflecting the lights of the camera lights) erm... (a black, tight, sleeveless turtleneck. dark baggy pants that barely stayed on his thin hips, allowing a thin sliver of pale milky skin to be made visible) why do his eyes...? (pupil-less orbs of pure ivory glowed with unbidden amusement and lus--) look kinda..._

_...Horny??_

Er... _Naruto shrugged._ He probably got a blowjob from one of those horny cosmeticians. Poor them. No one can resist Neji's hair...

_Neji leered openly when he first saw Naruto. The blond's hair, if possible, shined more than before (he sighed dreamily...the work of _Herbal _no doubt...), truly rivaling the sun. The bright, bleached highlights of his hair now stood more pronounced, it's hot white blond contrasted beautifully with the pure based deep gold. (lovely...) His thin, lithe arms seemed so delicate outside the slightly puffy black, fur-line hooded winter unzipped vest. A white gold chain dangled down to his bare tanned chest. (I could kiss every square inch...) Denim, ebony, hip huggers showed a patch of golden skin and tight muscles where the two items of clothing did not meet. (yum! yum!)_

_Neji was also ecstatic to discover that Naruto seemed just as impressed by his new look._

_"Stop oogling each other, bishounens, and get over here! The shoot is to begin!!"_

_The two blushed, Naruto more than Neji, and allowed themselves to pulled to the assigned positions, Neji more than Naruto._

_The boys were behind a pure white background and Naruto could only acquire that this photo shoot would be based on winter instead of the current season: fall. Assuming the background and their clothing..._

_The shoot began immediately. The two were in very enticing, yet heartwarming poses that had the crew of the shoot sighing dreamily or giggling perversely._

_One shot was with the brunette carrying the blond on his back, the fan in the background allowed their hair to drift with lovely, inhuman grace._

_Another, with them holding onto one another as though they are preparing for a formal dance, but rather they are still as their hair frolics around them._

_And the winning shot occurred right after the photographer decided to bring fruits into the final frame._

_A single, vivid red cherry was giving to the two. Naruto playfully put the stem of the fruit in between his perk, pink lips._

_Neji could no longer control himself as he took the round, red bulb that dangled against the blond's chin half way into his mouth. Even with his mouth partially full, he was able to make a smug, sexy smirk appear in turn to Naruto's blushed surprised look. Both of their eyes, however, were hidden beneath their windswept highlighted locks._

_The last shot had their hair clashing in the man-made wind like night and day. The shot was edited to have them and their surroundings in black and white, the brilliant, crimson cherry the only source of color._

(AN: Shit. I should be a photo director! What the hell am I doing on my computer? Oh. Making my reviewers happy of course. xD)

_By late November, the lovely picture was pasted on every billboard, fastened to every source of public transportation, famed on every magazine, and under the mattress of nearly every boy and girl within a ten thousand mile radius of Waterfall._

_Naruto's failed mission was easily forgiven by Tsunade when she saw his and Neji's picture in the Konoha Tribune. Also, that he of course offered her his acquired money from the shoot._

_Neji, however, was less fortunate when he met up with his fellow shinobi teammates in Konoha. Even Gaara visited from Suna to join the banded group, led by Rookie Nine's males._

_Even though Neji was hospitalized for three months after the incident, his famous pic, granted lifetime supply of Herbal Essence (which he used up in a year), and Naruto's kind nursing, made it seem worthwhile._

**-(End Flashback)-**

"Hey, Neji!! That's when all those boys suddenly confessed to me! That was because of you?"

The other rolled his eyes and picked up his magazine from the center table, flipping to find his lost page.

"I would guess so..." he shrugged.

"You don't seem to care..." the blond frowned.

"Why should I? I'm going to win anyway..."

Naruto internally growled at Neji's vanity. "I wouldn't be so sure of that considering the present you got me..."

"What!! You didn't like my present?"

"Some fucking gum and chopsticks, Neji?! I'm easily pleased...but c'mon!!"

"I never knew you were so spoiled, Uzumaki. Maybe caring for you will be more difficult then I imagined..."

"You dirty son of a bitch!! If you don't want me than you can fucking leave this competition! No one's forcing you to be here!"

Neji pouted and dropped his mag, pulling the smaller teen into his lap. "Aww, Naru-kun. Don't get like that. You know I looooove you..." The last part was muffled as Neji begin to nuzzle the other male's neck. "Forgive me?"

Naruto smiled. Sometimes Neji could be so cute. "Fine." he hushed, turning his head down so his blush was hidden.

When Neji began placing minuscule kisses onto the other's neck, Naruto's eyes shot open.

**Naruto's Confessional: Oh no!! It's Sai all over again!!**

Before Neji could even blink, a blond blur was out of his arms and down the stairs. Instead of chasing the younger one, he shrugged, refolded his legs like the perfect gentleman he was brought up to be, picked up his gay magazine and continued to read.

**Neji: It was nice. I really think Naruto enjoyed it. ((Continues to read G.4.Y- 4-U))**

**Naruto: Neji is so...strange. Is he worth figuring out or should I just eliminate him? Gah!! This competition is becoming so difficult! ((Pulls hair))**

* * *

_Itachi----- Elimination Room----- 6:05 PM

* * *

_

Naruto skipped over to the elimination room. The spherical area was empty, Itachi nowhere in sight. So the impatient blond decided to be out of character and withstand the wait.

After ten minutes, the ex-missing-nin appeared. The doors burst open with a loud _BANG! _and Itachi glided through the wooden aperture as it he was skating on air. He gracefully stopped in front of the blond, he slowly unbuttoned his dark collar, with each pop! the younger boy's eyes grew larger in amazement.

"Sugoi..." Naruto breathed in astonishment.

The beautiful man chuckled at the blond's response.

Naruto, on the other hand, was amazed. If Kakashi looked this good when he arrived late, maybe it would be easier for him to find it in his golden heart to forgive him.

Itachi, also thought that the blond looked very appealing. A cute blush decorated his cheeks and his eyes sparkled in adorance and utter cuteness. A winning shy smile completed the adorable look.

The only thing this scene seemed to lack at this point were random floating bubbles, feathers and/or cherry blossom petals, though whenever Itachi looked down at Naruto's angelic, endearing face, he could envision these missing items with surprising clarity.

"I apologize for my tardiness. I had to prepare for our meeting Naruto-kun."

"But, Itachi? It's 6:20. You had over three hours!!"

"Eternity is not enough time to prepare for you, Naruto-kun..."

**Naruto's Confessional: Aww...(blush) what a way with words...**

"Okay!" the blond beamed. "I forgive you."

Itachi's lip quirked upward in a poor imitation of Naruto's brilliant smile.

"So..Itachi. D'ya mind me asking you a few questions...?"

"No problem, Naruto-kun."

"Ano...why do you wear your Akatsuki uniform? Haven't you disbanded?"

Itachi twirled in a circle. "It's stylish, no?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Of course. Red clouds are all the rage..."

Itachi smiled at the obvious sarcasm. "Any other questions?"

"When did you–er? When did you become interested in me?"

Itachi has never been so amused. Being with the blond allowed him to indulge in countless little humors. These seven minutes with the blond allowed him to smile more than he had in his twenty-two years of life.

"Well you see... it started back when I was a member of Akatsuki, naturally..."

**-(Flashback)-**

_Itachi felt a little perverted at first, watching a beautiful twelve-year-old child through his daily routines, alone. He regretted allowing Kisame to rent a hotel while he watched the Kyuubi kid. He reminded himself that it was a mission. Yet, as he went throughout the day watching the blond with stalkeresque fascination, he quickly forgot about his feeling of self-consciousness._

_He twirled a kunai in between his fingers as he waited patiently for the blond to emerge from the Ichiraku ramen stand. Naruto came out, licking his lips happily, after his satisfactory meal. Itachi clutched the kunai in his tightened fist._

_Tch...the boy was such a tease._

_He followed the adolescent teen throughout the day, his hands shook uncontrollably as he watched how Konoha civilians reacted to the blond's presence. Love, awe, and lust._

_When the handle to his first kunai broke in his rage, he calmly replaced it with another one and continued to twirl the weapon around his fingers lazily._

_After a continuous twelve hours of watching the younger child intently, he found Kisame waiting for him at the base of the tree he was perched upon; right outside Naruto-kun's apartment._

_"He's sleeping," Kisame called up. "What else is there to watch? C'mon, Itachi. We're both tired and I rented us a room hours ago... let's sleep. We'll continue observing the Kyuubi in the morning."_

_"He could wake up in the middle of the night. It seems he ran out of ramen. He'll need some for breakfast tomorrow. Place on a genjutsu and go fetch him some." Itachi called back down, his eyes never leaving the bedroom window where Naruto slept._

_Kisame grumbled his disapproval. They were meant to watch the child, not feed him. He let his partner know exactly how he felt about the order._

_"Hmm...anyone sense _obsession_? And I'm not talking about the Kyuubi fox..."_

**-(End Flashback)-**

"Gah! You cared for me even when you were back in Akatsuki?" Naruto yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Itachi.

"Aa." The young man confirmed.

"How did the rest of the organization take it, assuming you told them." Naruto questioned.

"Hmm...I don't think they minded. They found it quite amusing in any case."

_-(In Akatsuki's Lair)-_

"Oh, Naruto-kun!! I love you! Let's get married and have man-babies!!" Kisame, with a wig that looked quite similar to Itachi's, pledged.

"Ah, Itachi. You're a very bad man. You're so naughty! That causes our love to be forbidden." Deidara, who discarded his Akatsuki cloak for an orange jumpsuit, giggled in return.

"Bravo!!" The rest of Akatsuki applauded the show.

Then, they all sneezed

_-(Back in the Mansion)-_

"Amused? Hm..." Naruto then discarded the thought. "See you again, Itachi! I have to go meet Shika now!"

"Goodbye, Naruto-kun."

"Bye, Ita-chan!!"

**Itachi: Naruto-chan is so beautiful. We'll make a perfect match. I can't wait until I return to Akatsuki with my Kyuu-kun!**

**Naruto: Itachiiiii is soooo preeeeetty!!**

_

* * *

Shikamaru---------Garden 2---------- 6:35 PM

* * *

_

Shikamaru ignored the expensive ivory bench and chose to lay on the emerald ground instead. His earthy locks clashed with the green grass and his dull gray eyes. The golden sun centered the sky and for once, instead of the clouds, was the focus of Shikamaru's gaze this evening.

Suddenly, a spiky head of similar gold popped up into the frame and a bright, bright smile blinded the shadow user's eyes.

"Am I late?" the blond panted out.

"Would I care?" Shikamaru retorted languidly.

"Hm?" the blond mused. "I guess not."

Naruto sat his perk bottom right next to his friend's. He imitated his admirer by lying flat on his back as well.

Shikamaru sighed tiredly.

**Shikamaru's Confessional: Three...**

Blue eyes turned to gaze at the other boy 'subtlety'.

**Shikamaru's Confessional: Two...**

He sighed and rolled over onto his belly to watch the other boy even more obviously.

**Shikamaru's Confessional: One...**

"Oi! Shika-kun?"

**Shikamaru's Confessional: Tch... can't keep quiet for more than three seconds, that idiot.**

"Hm?" The brunette didn't open his eyes, but grunted to let the other know he was paying attention.

"Ano... why did you come to this competition? Wouldn't it be a lot of work for someone... _like you?"_

"Hn. The way you said it was offensive." he muttered.

"Ah! Gomen! I just... er... even with trying to ask all the other guys these questions... it's still so difficult..." he blushed.

"Well it's the second time you asked me. Didn't we already discuss this over our date?"

"Yes, but Shikamaru? Why did you...when did you...fall in love with me?"

"Hn. So troublesome..."

**-(Flashback)-**

_Shikamaru scribbled in his leather bound notebook._

_"I think it's a blonde thing..." Chouji commented before ramming a handful of barbeque potato chips into his mouth._

_"Blonde thing?" Asuma enquired._

_"Yeah," Chouji nodded confidently. The two shinobi ignored the fact that the subject of their conversation was relaxing right next to them. "I mean dating Ino and Temari at the same time? No one would be that stupid, and in Shika's case, since he's not stupid, _daring_. It must be some sort of fetish..."_

_Shikamaru continued working in his notebook pad, ignoring his team._

_"Hm? A blond fetish? It does seem plausible..." Asuma lifted a thick, calloused thumb to scratch his bearded chin thoughtfully._

_Ino came running into the Mongolian barbeque restaurant; Team 10's equivalent to Team 7's Ichiraku._

_"He's back!! That blond baka is back!!_

_"Er..." Asuma sweat dropped, mentally reviewing all those Ino would consider a 'blond baka'. "Do you mean the Uzumaki kid, Temari-chan, or that cousin of yours that always wears his pants backwards??"_ (AN: I have a friend who does that. He says that reversing your pants zipper to your backside is good luck.)

_"Konoha's most suprising ninja!" Ino laughed gleefully. "The one and only."_

_"He has returned from that training mission with Jiraiya-sama?" Chouji questioned._

_"Yup. It's been over two years, you guys! Get your asses in gear and let's go greet the idiot."_

_"Maa..." Chouji whined. "Can't we greet him after lunch. It's not good to exert much effort on a full stomach." The large boy excused himself. "I'll say hi to him later."_

_"What about you Shika?" Ino asked, finally spotting him. He was as quiet as ever, but this time something caught his interest long enough for him to put in worthwhile effort. "Not that goddam notebook pad, again." She was so tired of his pale, miserable, introspective-poet act._

_Shikamaru looked up from his notebook for the first time in a long while and glared lightly at Girlfriend No. 1. "Yes, Ino-chan. It is this goddamn notebook again."_

_Ino's pale blue eyes curved into tiny crescents of slyness. "Sooo, Shika-chaaan. Mind showing me what it is your writing. Is it about me, the love of your life? The golden sunshine that broke through the shadowed layers of your heart? Is it about me, your precious Ino-chan, who's very name sends your loins a quiver? Is it about me, the sun to your moon, the ups to your downs, the Gucci to your Walmart?"_

_"Ino," the shadow-user sighed. "It's not about you."_

_She gasped indignantly, a pale hand covered her pink lips in dramatized horror. "Well, then who is it about?!"_

_"Naruto." he spoke honestly. He could find no reason to lie._

_Her pale blue eyes widened, before closing again in mirth. "Haha! My Shika-chan. You're so funny. So humorus in fact, that I'm going to write Temari letting her know what she's missing out on...For some disturbing reason, she believes in that horribly twisted head of hers that your dating her. Ha!" She giggled once before pivoting around, prepared to leave the restaurant. That was, before she was stopped by an disguised, cool voice._

_Yet, if Ino were to turn around, she would bluntly notice the tiny beads of perspiration trickling down the shadow-users brow and the slight shake of his hands that was distributing light, messy scrawls to his notebook work._

_Yet she didn't turn around, hence she didn't notice._

_Chouji rolled his eyes._

_"She thinks I'm dating her? And what do you think of all this?" Shikamaru asked, his tone was as cool as a cucumber, thanks to many years of perfected shinobi emotional training._

_"I think she's a retarded bimbo and brings shame to the faces of all blonds."_

_"Hn..." Shikamaru breathed out a sigh of relief and continued to write in his journal._

_Ino left._

_"You will not get away with that. No way." Asuma warned. "Quit while you're ahead, man. You're luck enough to let this bypass for two weeks, but any longer than that...you're really pushing your luck."_

_"Whatever..." Shikamaru yawned._

_"Asuma's right." Chouji piped in, full and finished with his glutton-induced stomach ache. "I don't even know where you got off thinking you could cheat. No one can get away with that. You. Will. Get Caught. It doesn't matter if you're James Bond, those chicks are gonna find out."_

_Shikamaru, tired of his friends bickering, left to his favorite café._

_The shadow-nin entered the small coffee shop and took a seat. He pulled out of his pocket a pack of Marlboros and a full book of matches. He loved the café, not for it's strong, crappy, coffee (the way a tortured, poetic artist needed the daily caffeine) but for it's lenient policies._

_He gazed out the window, the cigarette dangling attractively from his pouty lips. Predictably, girls noticeably slowed down their fast 'things-to-do-places-to-shop' power walk to enjoy the nice window view._

_Shikamaru ignored them, until he saw a golden sight at the window. He watched as his plastic coffee-cup lid skittered to the polished white floor of the café. His cigarette fell from his open lips and the fused tip sunk to the bottom of the thin, brown liquid with a small sizzle._

Naruto.

_He quickly tried to bring forth another Marlbaro, but his hands were shaking so much, it took the normally cool, inquisitive ninja several times until his attempt was not in vain. His thumb got singed in the process, but he didn't even feel it._

_He watched as the blond turned around, his sunshine hair waving slowly in a slight breeze that blew by reminding Shikamaru of a fairytale princess. A gentle smile came to his lips as blue eyes that were inhabited with unlimited mirth met his. A bright grin reminded him that after two and a half long, long years, he was finally reunited with his..._

friend

_As he gawkily left his seat to greet his old companion, with clumsiness only something as baffling as Naruto could convey, he left the coffee bar to its outside window._

_He snatched up his brown leather accumulation with shaky, sweaty hands. The latest page was scribbled with boring cliches such as 'sunshine blond hair' and 'eyes as deep as the ocean, no the sky!', all crossed out furiously by Shikamaru. He refused for his work to be common._

_When they met and greeted each other, finally stricking up conversation, Naruto mentioned that when training with Ero-Sennin, every time he did something stupid, or was required to think out a strategic plan, he always thought 'What would Shikamaru do?'_

_The nin was shocked, assuming the blond would think of the Teme more than he would the Shadow Manipulator. After all, that was the main reason for his demanding training. He was surprised that his old friend even spared a thought for him at all._

_After Shikamaru treated his companion to lunch at the infamous Ichiraku and left his blond comrade to greet other acquaintances with a heart-warming 'Ja ne!', he let another kind smile break his 'don't-give-a-crap' mask. Shit, he felt good. He smiled more times today then he has in the past two and a half years since the blond left. It was funny- all of a sudden, he was the guy he usually hated reading about in those 'disgustingly lovesick' poems. The happiest guy alive._

_And his wandering mind returned to his bundle of compositions of analogies, cliches, proses, similes, and symbolisms, that all failed to describe the blond boy, but now he believed he found the perfect metaphor to depict Naruto._

Love.

**-(End Flashback)-**

"What!" Naruto screeched. "You were dating Ino and Temari at the same time."

"Tch," Shikamaru scoffed, "I give you such a heartfelt confession and that's all you could think about? No wonder you don't have a girlfriend. You sure know how to ruin the moment."

Tan cheeks burned red. "M-Moment!? There was no moment to ruin, asshole."

Shikamaru clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "You had best stick with me if you want to show the average individual any type of decent courtesy."

If Naruto was an average man with an average IQ, he would have realized that Shikamaru was using one of his most prized traits as a strategist: manipulation.

Yet Naruto isn't, so he didn't.

"Oh...?! So all of a sudden, you mess with two girls and you're a _playa!_ as well as an expert at relationships and flirting?" He huffed.

Shikamaru nodded, as well as he could lying down on the grass. "When you've been playing with two of the most powerful kunoichi from two of the most powerful Hidden Villages for years? Yes."

Naruto was turning red with frustration. There was no winning with this guy. "Shikamaru..."

The blue-eyes teen stomped away, and his disapprovement grew tenfold as he heard the lazy man call after him teasingly, "What can I say? It's a fetish! Blond's are just too easy!"

He smirked as he heard the blond cursing his name. He made sure to get the blond riled up, not enough too get him eliminated, but long enough too keep himself on the blond's mind.

A technique studied, analyzed, and picked up after the one and only, Uchiha Sasuke.

Speaking of the bastard, isn't that Naruto's next meeting?

**Shikamaru: We need to review the meeting?? Damn. How troublesome. Um...it was good. ((yawn))**

**Naruto: Shikamaru's a player. I don't know if he could be faithful to me. Yet, I heard he dumped Ino and Temari after out meeting at the ramen bar. Do you think that has something to do with me? As flattered as I am, it hurts me to know I broke Ino and Temari's hearts...even though it wasn't on purpose. Swear!**

* * *

_Sasuke------- Bedroom 3-------- 7:05 PM

* * *

_

(AN: The one you rabid SxN fangirls have been waiting for! Here you go you disgusting, impatient, deranged beast! myinukoi is a hypocrite) .

"Sa-su-ke." Naruto broke apart the syllables to his friend's name right next to the raven's ear.

"Hm...?" the Uchiha was startled awake from his light slumber by a faint, pleasant noise, its breath tickling his ear teasingly.

"I said–WAKE UP, DATTEBAYO!!!" The blond's voice resonated along the walls of the mansion, causing all the men to chuckle at the usual blond's antics, causing a few picture frames to slip off the wall...

"Gah!" He woke up with a start. Surely that same voice was incapable of imitating the past tone that had been calling out to him so sweetly and softly only a few seconds ago...?

He looked up into bright, amused eyes and knew immediately: _Naruto._

He's capable of anything.

"Dobe. Why can't you wake me up like normal people? A tap on the shoulder, a poke in the side?"

"Teme, I'm not a normal person!" Naruto chided back.

He rolled his dark eyes. "Obviously..."

"Well, get your lazy ass up. Unless you want to sleep through our entire meeting!"

That wouldn't be so bad, thought Sasuke. He'd lay with the blond in his arms, and they'll cuddle throughout the night. He'll totally forget about the fatass and the elimination. Yet, the next day he'll throw everyone out of the house saying that the previous night with him and Sasuke was beautiful and he never felt so right in anyone's arms before. They'll then run off into a sunset that was convienetly placed for the heart-touching occasion, and at nightfall elope. They would make love under the stars and in the morning they'd make love to the orange glow of the sunrise. Naruto would somehow find out that he can have babies thanks to whatever supernatural abilities the Kyuubi bestowed upon him. The two would have beautiful, tan, brunette, blue-eyed children who fought like Sannins and were loved by all as heroes. They'd become nomads, stopping in exotic ports, letting natives dance for them and give them rare jewels and furs. In time, they'd amass so much treasure, they'd be known around the world as the richest, most beautiful couple in the universe. Eventually, the now wrinkly, old, and incredibly jealous Itachi would attempt to steal their riches and kidnap their impossibly beautiful Ralf Lauren model-type children. But Sasuke would kill Itachi with a simple flick of the wrist, that sends a sharp kunai directly into his puckered face and he would die a horribly dramatic death. The entire Uchiha-Uzumaki family would laugh at each last, tortured breath. Then Sasuke and Naruto would dance under the moonlight, unharmed, and more in love than ever.

It could happen.

By now, the blond was dozing off, and the glassy, dreamy look was immediately taken off his face. Of course he would love to snuggle with the blond and make his fantasy come true, but he believed such ambitions should be saved for another day. Now was his time to get close (mentally) to his kitsune.

"Naruto..." No response. "Naruto!" A little louder plus a poke in the rib. "Naruto!" he 'shouted' as loud as an Uchiha is allowed to shout. "You dobe! I'll eat your ramen!"

A blond mop shot up and Sasuke almost got rammed in the nose. "Teme-baka! Don't touch my ramen. Uwee—!!"

Smoky eyes were aggravated and he just wanted to get some communication going.

"Idiot. You fell asleep."

Naruto blushed.

"So, is there anything you want to ask me?" Sasuke questioned.

Naruto brightened up and nodded. "Er...ano, Teme. When did you fall in love with m-me??"

Asking this to Sasuke was more difficult than the other contestants, seeing as he knew the Uchiha longer than any of the other competitors.

"Hmm...lemme think..."

**-(Flashback)-**

_Uchiha saw the cutest child he had ever met in his four and a half years of existence. He decided he wanted to talk to the boy._

"_Hi, I'm Sasuke Uchiha. Do you want to be my boyfriend?"_

"_Ew. Boys are icky." Naruto recited the same line he heard from Sakura every time he asked her out and repeated her action as well by punching the foreign boy in the face and running away._

_Sasuke sighed happily. _

I'm in love... _he thought_.

**-(End Flashback)-**

"That's not very interesting..." The blond noted dully.

Sasuke shrugged. "It's the truth."

"Aaah! Why are you always so dull. Fine! Just tell me something interesting that happened after your _oh-so glorious _epiphany."

"Hm...what about this...?"

**-(Flashback)-**

"_Alright. Naruto, you stay with Sakura here at the camp site and you two try to start a fire. Me and Sasuke--"_

_Sakura interrupted. "Sasuke and I." she corrected._

_Kakashi glared at her, irritated. She smiled sheepishly. Improper grammar was always one of her pet peeves and she corrected it automatically whenever she noticed a literary flaw. "Sasuke and I," he continued, grudgingly taking Sakura's advice and cursing her intellect, "will search for a nearby water source."_

_Yet, Sasuke, knowing the blond had a barefaced crush and the rosette, objected heatedly. _

_"Sakura's metally unstable. I don't want her and the dobe alone. Let me stay with him and you let Sakura go with yo--"_

_"SASUKE-KUN!!! I AM NOT MENTALLY UNSTAAAABLE!!! HAS THE BAKA BEEN TELLING YOU THIS NOOONSENSE!?!?!" Sakura screamed, her pink hair in a scary disarray from a large gust of wind that convienetly blew by, her pupils were dilated madly, her cheeks round and indignant and her hands were curled in tight, threatening fists._

_Kakashi and Naruto stared at her, shocked._

_Sasuke simply rolled his eyes and gave a 'This proves my point' smirk. "That's right, I'm just a liar..." he mock-yawned sarcastically._

_Sasuke is a manipulator, Sakura realized. He wants to stay with Naruto so he's trying to trick me into...Gah! _

_Sakura couldn't believe this. Her crush was accusing her of being insane. Just because she has an undying love for him, gets _slightly_ jealous of Naruto, and stalks her Uchiha daily doesn't mean that she's..._

_Um, actually..._

_'Well, I'm just crazy about Sasuke.' she assured herself mentally and then giggled aloud._

_Naruto began to quake in fear and Kakashi sighed while pinching the bridge of his nose. "Sakura. Let's go scout for water."_

_"But--"_

_"No questions." Kakashi interjected and the two began to walk away, one sullenly behind the other._

_Naruto called after them. "Don't worry, Sakura! After this mission is over, we'll take you to Tsunade-baasan and she'll treat you. I'll be by your side through the entire painful psychological recovery! We'll conquer this together! Believe it!"_

_Sakura ignored him._

_"Besides, I heard _it_ is better when it's a little _crazy_, hehe, if you know what I mean..."_

_Sakura threw a mid-sized boulder at Naruto with her inhuman strength, Sasuke's face went tomato red as he flared up with rage and worry and grabbed Naruto by his orange-clad arm, pulling him out of the deadly boulder's path, while Kakashi was no longer happy that he taught Naruto about the Kunai and Shuriken (AN: Refer to chapter 6. ;D)._

_Sasuke winked at Sakura coyly, making her blush and causing her knees to buckle. The he mock-slapped Naruto's ass (without really touching it) when the blond bent over to pick up a piece of firewood. Sakura choked on her sobs._

_Sasuke was happy and decided to spend the rest of the afternoon..._

_Hm? What_ will _he do?_

_Well, of course he's supposed to be inspecting the forest for proper firewood, but who ever really listens and follows along with what their sensei ask anyways? Sasuke knows. Squares! That's right. Straight L7's. And he's been spending the last week trying to prove to Naruto that he isn't one ever since the blond called him 'the perfect square. With proper ten degree angles and everything!'. Unfortunately, he proved the blond's point by responding that triangles have 90 degree angles._

_But it wasn't Sasuke's fault he told Kakashi that the blond was attempting to play a prank on Tsunade. He just wanted to make sure the blond wouldn't get hurt by her Fist of Fury™. He was worried with a concern that could only come forth from the depths of his heart by a fluttery force called _love

_Naruto continued to search for firewood, just as his sensei had asked. He let Sasuke continue to daydream on the base of the tree._

_The brunette hugged himself. Just thinking about his kitsune made him feel as though he had to pee. Underneath those hard glares and the emo facade, he was just a seme looking for some nice ass._

_Face it: They're all the same._

_Naruto, growing impatient with his lack of aid, yelled, "Teme-square. Come help me with this damn fire."_

"_Dobe." the brunette blushed at the 'square' comment again. Naruto's words_ hurt_. He began to cry...on the inside. "You hurt yourself already?"_

"_Baka! You can't make me do all this work while you sit there, thinking of my Sakura-chan, trying to get yourself wood!"_

"_Sakura! The fuck, dobe?!" Sasuke yelled enraged._

_Naruto pointed to the dark teen's flushed face. Sasuke touched his reddened cheek, and trailed his pale, shaking fingers above his top lip then quickly removed them startled._

_He gulped audibly, and looked down at his hands, surprised to find warm blood._

"_Fuck." he cursed._

_Sasuke, at the ripe age of 12 and a half, experienced his first sexual-induced nosebleed._

**-(End Flashback)-**

"Um...wow Sasuke that was your...er..." Naruto fumbled with his words.

"The first moment when I began physically lusting after you, yes." The brunettes bangs bristled a bit with his curt nod.

"Ahh...Oh. I see." Naruto blushed for the countless time that day and made a mental note to ask Iruka that if the blood is always centered around your face, does that make the rest of your body feel tingly and odd? Because that's exactly how he's feeling with the way his best friend/rival was staring at him right now. Those same tingles were traveling up and down his spine at an alarming rate and he truly felt as if he had to get out of the room _right now_, before...

"A-Ano...I think I should leave. I know I still have five minutes left b-but I just want to take a small break. You know... running around this huge mansion, and I trust you, my very, very best friend to be as gracious as to let me cut our time short..."

Sasuke ignored the blond's ramblings (even though he was proud that the idiot used words and phrases to politely excuse himself from the conversation, just as he had taught him) and instead focused his thoughts to the pink, bumbling lips, the small flushed nose, the baby blue eyes...

Naruto's hands shot up into the air, confused as if to push the invading brunette away or pull him closer; but he sure as hell couldn't say anything in protest or agreement seeing as Sasuke pressed his lips to the blond's, making sure any oral contact was only communicated with tongue and lips rather than actual words.

When they broke apart, Naruto's face was flushed as deeply as it was with Sai's in the beginning of the meetings and he flitted his blue eyes quickly to the left to see how Sasuke was taking the aftereffect.

The Uchiha was laying back on the bed, his hands behind his head in a calm, relaxed position that Naruto never saw him in before. His dark shirt was drawn slightly above his waist, showing a tiny sliver of pale, supple skin. When blue eyes met black, the blond was surprised to discover that his shinobi comrade had been staring at him through half-lidded, pleasured, amused eyes.

Sasuke couldn't help but chuckle slightly at the kitsune's adorable expression. He closed his eyes in bliss and whispered huskily, "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that..."

Waiting a few more moments, Naruto began to quietly sneak out of the room seeing as the Uchiha was obviously preoccupied in whatever drunken ecstacy he was submerged in.

He closed the door quietly behind him, with a rare shy smile on his bruised, puckered lips.

**Sasuke: I kissed Naruto and he liked it... Fuck, I'm in heaven. His lips will have my dreams occupied for at **_**least **_**three months...**

**Naruto:****He kissed me! Gah! What perverts in this house!! And when he was done, instead of bring all romantic, he just laid there! Staring at me! No confession or nothing. ((Sigh)) Maybe I'm just overreacting... it's been a long day and it's not fair to get upset at others because I'm impatient for a nap. I like all these guys so much...how will I ever be able to choose?**

* * *

_Chouji--------- Dining Room--------- 7:35 PM_

* * *

"Ah! Chouji! This all looks so delicious! I don't know what to say!!" Naruto gushed. 

Chouji didn't know what was more mystifying, the large range of food that was prepared for his and Naruto's 'dinner date' or Naruto's bright, 1,000-watt smile.

"All you have to say is 'Itadakimasu'."

Naruto's smiling face beamed like the sun. "Itadakimasu!!"

One bite, and Naruto closed his eyes in bliss.

**Naruto's Confessional: Kebo beef... I can't wait to tell those rich bastards Hyuuga and Uchiha about this. They'll be so jealous...**

After the large buffet of a meal, the two leaned back in their chairs (the legs were on the verge of breaking thanks to the newly acquired weight) their pants unzipped and unbuttoned to make room for their expanded stomachs.

"Hmmm..." the Itis of the large meal was beginning to kick in, and once you include Naruto's busy schedule and overloaded mentality from the entire afternoon to evening, he was ready to hit the sack Yet, the only thing keeping him awake was the need to question Chouji. The ones whose still valid presence was a continuous mystery to him, not to mention the other occupants in the mansion.

"Chouji," Naruto murmured, and then in his mind he felt glad that Iruka and the Uke Squad watched the entire preparation of this meal, otherwise he would have a sneaking suspicion something has been done to his food. But surely there isn't another deranged Kabuto in the competition..._right_?

"Hm, Naruto-kun?"

"When did you develop feelings for me?"

It seems both Chouji's and Naruto's shyness and humbleness have been deterred from the Kebo beef.

It has magical powers, I swear!

**-(Flashback)-**

"_Come on Chouji! Just ten more! You can do it!!" Ino and Sakura cheered on their client._

_Client? To Ino and Sakura's Fitness Program™ of course!_

"_I-I-I caaaaan't." The boy struggled. Push ups? What kind of deranged man invented such a thing?!_

"_Chou-ji! You can do it! Chou-ji!" They cheered. Ino, in her blue and green fitness sweats and light gray sleeveless top plus her best friend, Sakura in pink and red sweats and a similar, yet white top were quite the sights to see. Their trained bodies caught the wandering focuses of other gym members, and all the men in the exercise establishment could only wonder what the two local hotties were doing with the most gluttonous, unattractive, male in Konoha._

"_Oi! Chouji! Are you done with that crap." All eyes turned to the neon yellow flash that disrupted the competitive tranquility of the health club. _

"_N-N-Naruto...Fuck, save me!"_

"_Er...alright." A strong tanned arm helped pull the larger boy off the dirty, sweaty gymnasium floor. Using the help of a little chakra of course._

_The two girl's glares reverted from Naruto to Chouji._

"_What do you mean 'Save me!'? We're doing you a favor remember. You came to us telling us how you wanted our help loosing weight!"_

"_I-I know, Ino-chan."_

"_Naruto-baka! Don't take him away! Can't you see Chouji's trying to better himself?! Fix himself?!"_

_Naruto gazed down fondly at his fat friend, who was panting and clutching his stomache dramatically. "Sakura-chan, you say that as if he's broken..."_

_Ino's eyes widened and Sakura blushed, ashamed. "Ah...I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that, y'know. He wants to make himself healthy and all..." Ino was about to pitch in her apology when Chouji began to talk._

"_No worries, you guys!" Chouji caught in the middle of the guilt-rant. "I asked for it, remember? I'm just so glad that you guys were willing to take your time out for me and seriously help me out. Thank you."_

_The two girls smiled softly, and went over to give their huge friend an 'all-is-forgiven' hug, yet when they came within a few feet of him, they backed away, their faces puckered in disgust._

"_Ew, Chouji you smell!!" They choked out simataneously with an unison that can only be mentally choreographed between two very, very close friends._

_The four comrades laughed, before Ino and Sakura took their leave (not before getting a few phone numbers from admiring boys though)._

"_I think we did good today. Don't you think so, Sakura-chan?" Ino smiled fondly._

"_Aa." Sakura agreed. "Does this count for our 'Good Deed of The Week'?"_

_Ino laughed. "Yep. Let's get started on next week!"_

"_Perhaps a charity drive? Food for the homeless?" she suggested._

"_Or we could wax Lee's eyebrows? We'll work on the haircut the week after."_

"_Hell yes!" Sakura cheered, and the two giggling girls made their way down the road._

_Naruto and Chouji agreed to go to Ichiraku and use the coupons they prized for being the 'Best Frequent Customers'. Obviously, Naruto had more, so he was willingly to give up some of his for the both of them._

Naruto is so kind,_ Chouji thought_. Not at all like me when it comes to food.

Naruto was also gorgeous, strong, beloved by all that truly knew him, and could eat all he wanted without his waistline facing the consequences.

_Chouji looked at his own waistline, but all disappeared except the tip of his sandaled toes when he tried to look past his bulging tummy._

_While Naruto ordered five bowls of ramen, Chouji placed his order, and tried to impress Naruto by showing he was watching his weight. _

"_Today..." he began throatily, "I want four pork ramen, seven shrimp ramen, three chicken ramen, five teriyaki beef ramen..." Chouji continued._

_Naruto sighed and pulled out his heavy wallet full of coupons. _

_"...two more Cajun chicken ramen and a _diet_ coke." He finished proudly._

_Naruto gawked._

_Shit, _Chouji thought_, I embarrassed myself again..._

"_Wow. What an appetite." Naruto mumbled._

"_Yeah, whatever." Chouji sighed and felt the need for a heart-rendering confession. "I know I'm fat. I deny it because I don't want people to y'know...tell me. It's like, if I can pretend they don't notice it, maybe I won't either and can kinda get through this."_

"_I don't know where you got the 'fat', Chouji. You're just big. _Fat_ people sure as hell wouldn't survive as ninjas, and here you are: A Chuunin! You may be big, but you are by no means unhealthy. It seems Sakura and Ino got the two confused when they were helping you at the gym..." Naruto slurped up a noodle, once again oblivious to a life he had just changed._

_Chouji took an overly large, calloused thumb to the blond's cheek and rubbed off a splatter of miso broth. When blue eyes turned to inspect the foreign object in his close proximity, he was quite startled to see Chouji, only a few inches, maybe _centimeters_, away, staring at him closely and his finger still on his face._

"_Woah!" Naruto exclaimed, playfully slapping the thumb away. "Personal space, buddy." The blond returned to his ramen to hide his self-consciousness._

_Chouji backed off quietly, and no longer felt the utter need to eat his remaining fifteen bowls of ramen, not like he did a simple minute ago._

_The rest of the dinner was eaten in silence._

**-(End Flashback)-**

Chouji mumbled the last few words of his admittance and fell into a light sleep.

Naruto giggled recalling the entire day.

He'll send a servant to wake up Chouji. After preparing the meal, stressing over the other dates, the Kobe beef, and waiting to be last impatiently, Naruto believed Chouji deserved a break more than he did.

But now, he smiled sadly, it's time for Elimination.

**Chouji: ...zzz...**

**Naruto: Chouji's sweet...but something about him. It's definitely from the confession. I simply can't remember it right now. Hopefully I will during ceremony...**

_

* * *

-(Elimination Ceremony)-

* * *

_

This time there were nine styrofoam ramen cups. Naruto stood next to them, looking cheerless. Seeing as it was always said the blond's mood was contagious, the rest of the semes looked distraught as well. Naruto had unintentionally set a gloomy mood, replacing the boisterous egos of the semes for the first time during an Ukette Elimination Ceremony.

"Let the Eliminations begin!" The Uke Squad called out, their shrill, adolescent voices cracking at the surge of authority.

"Ah," Naruto sighed. "This will be the hardest elimination to date." He whispered mournfully. After confessing such heartfelt words to me, and then to eliminate you right after... I don't think I've done anything so cruel...besides the fangirls challenge." A smirk returned to his fox-ish features. The contestants scowled.

"Haha..." Naruto laughed nervously. "We'll let's get on with it. I believe the first cup will be going to..."

Pause.

"Sai."

Sai smirked. He knew his tongue had a way with words. Whatever pun you can find intended! He went up to the blond, planning on giving the whole competition a good show of the best make out session they have ever seen, when a styrofoam cup was shoved harshly into his gut.

"Don't try that shit again. Every other contestant managed to keep their hands off me much better than you. You're lucky your still here." Naruto whispered harshly, low enough so the other contestants wouldn't here.

"Naru-chaaaan...!" Sai pouted, but his trademark false grin, a pale imitation of Naruto's, quickly replaced it.

**Sai's Confessional: He knows he liked it. ((grins pervertedly))**

As he walked back to his previous position he was so caught up in the joy that he had been the only one to touch the blond like that, that he didn't care for any other name, especially not: "Gaara Sabaku,"'s.

**Gaara's Confessional: I knew we had made a connection. Our two lost, dark, demon-ridden souls have found each other even though country alliances and great evils tried to keep us apar– Ah, yeah... Naruto-chan said I should stop with my**_** emo bullshit**_**. Damn.**

"Itachi Uchiha!" the blond blushed once again when the crimson eyes looked his way. Itachi smirked and accepted his cup gratefully.

When Sasuke's name was called, the exchange was ver quiet, both blushed furiously, both were very shy. It made the contestants flair up with jealousy.

Just what had happened during the junior Uchiha's meeting with the blue-eyed boy?

"Shikamaru Nara!"

"Kakashi Hatake!"

"Kiba Inuzuka!"

"Hyuuga Neji!"

They were all called down, the last two remaining were Chouji Akimichi and Shino Aburame.

"The last cup, I would like it to go to...**"**

The blond paused, his face was downcast. "I'm so ashamed. How cruel am I? What was I thinking when I thought up such a challenge? I simply couldn't imagine being in either of your places right now."

_We wouldn't want you in our place_, Chouji thought miserably. _We wouldn't want your heart to get crushed._

"I apologize," the blond continued. "But Shino...?"

The Aburame's head didn't move at all, it was seemingly still staring at him, yet Naruto knew he was given the bug boy's entire attention.

"Would you please accept this cup?"

He revealed the final cup, with Shino's name written in neat, elegant cursive.

Shino's heart soared while Chouji's plummeted.

"Why?" The overweight boy though miserably...

"Because, for some reason, I believe you're not here for love, but rather for acceptance. Unlike all the other confessions, you told me of the first time I made you feel...normal. That's it. I didn't make you feel all the similar characteristics that I seemingly made all the other men feel. Maybe what you feel for me isn't love at all, but friendship."

Chouji nodded in understanding.

Iruka was close to tears. Naruto made such a difficult decision on his own, completely analyzing, comparing, contrasting, and coming up with a solution by himself. Before, in his Genin days, he would have simply asked for Sakura, Sasuke, or Kakashi to figure it out for him. Either that, or do 'eeny-meeny-miney-mo!', a strategy Iruka had to beat out of him in the ol' Genin days. This moment, more than his eighteenth birthday or his many admirers, has proven that Naruto is a man.

Chouji left the mansion quietly, no comment to his _love_'s decision, no questions. He just left and Naruto's sad smile was quickly replaced at the thought that maybe Chouji would find a friend and a lover in the same person... it just wasn't him...

"Ja, Chouji-kun."

* * *

Shino gazed at the stars from his bedroom window. Gaara stirred slightly in his sleep. 

_Naruto wants me to stay...he still wants me here. I'm so happy._

_Thank you, Naruto-chan..._

* * *

AN: Damn, this was a late update _and_ it was crappy. I don't even know if this was remotely funny. Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm leaving to Washington D.C. today and I just wanted to get this out to you or it would have been bothering me my whole trip. Well, at least I got this out to you all. 

**Challenge: What book served as inspiration for certain passages and quotes in this chapter. There wasn't many. I won't point out the passages or quotes because if you read the books, even only the first one, you should know.**

Goodbye my friends and I apologize for the late update. But like I said, no matter when it comes, it's coming. I'm not giving up on this story.


	8. Crazy For You: Part I

_Title:_ The Ukette

_Author: _myinukoi

_Pairing(s):_ SasuNaru, NejiNaru, GaaNaru, ShikaNaru, KakaNaru, ShinoNaru, KibaNaru, ItaNaru, SaiNaru

_Warning: _Yaoi/Shounen-ai, second attempt at humor, serious OOCness, unbeta-ed, language (swearing), kinda AU (but they are still ninjas...just in a different environment), etc, etc...

_Disclaimer:_ The characters portrayed in this story do not belong to me, but to the Naruto anime/manga series by Masashi Kishimoto. This is all fiction; No profit was made from this story so hence, I bear no responsibility for anything you may claim of this story.

_Dedication: _No one. Absolutely no one. Nobody guessed the challenge correctly. The scenes were inspired by small excerpts from the popular 'Gossip Girl' teen novel series by Cecily von Ziegesar.

Yet, I also dedicate this chapter to two reviewers who helped me come up with this chapter's challenge due to their individual analysis on each and every competitor vying for Naruto's affection:** blueinu** and **ravemastaj**. I found a really cool quiz on my beta's, **Ariii.chan**'s, profile that helped A LOT as well. Thank you.

Birthdays: narutoluvr4evr on November 4 and Sasuke (of course) on July 23! Happy birthday!

* * *

**Bold: Confessional Room**_

* * *

_

C h a p t e r 8:

* * *

"Damn! Is that the best you guys can do? Come on now! Impress me!" Naruto shouted at his admirers, Sasuke by his side, smirking smugly.

The group sighed again, yet rose their voices as they feigned cherry smiles and warm vocals.

"Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Sasuke! Happy birthday to you!"

"_...yooooooooooooou...!_" Sai ended the song with a high, dramatic note that made everyone stare in silence.

When the half-clothed boy finished his one-man musical and regained composure, he shrugged off the awkward stares from his fellow competitors and replied their silent questions with a casual, "He said he wanted us to impress him."

Naruto's face broke out into a grin. "Hahaha...you're so awesome, Sai." The rest of the competitors looked on with jealousy, but the envy was quickly converted when Naruto spoke to Sasuke.

"So bastard, are you ready for you birthday kiss?"

The Semes began to shout in protest, but Naruto ignored them and Sasuke nodded eagerly.

"Just on the cheek, okay?" The Semes protests quieted a bit and finally hushed as Naruto moved in for the kill. The Uke Squad and Iruka were there to control the inner-raging envy the men were undoubtedly harboring.

When the blond was a simple inch away from his ex-teammates cheek, Sasuke turned his head at the last second, catching Naruto's lips with his own.

The crowd exploded with rage and Iruka had to use some seals to hold the group back. Additional bodyguards came to the Uke Squad's aid.

"C-Calm down! Please! Stop it! Y-You're all acting like rabid animals!" Naruto attempted to calm the crowd, but even his "angelic voice of peace and tranquility", as his suitors would describe it, could not tame their rage.

Sasuke just smiled goofily, unaware of the chaos his little stunt had caused.

"As Genin, last week, and now on my birthday? Three kisses so far, Naruto. It's fate."

Neji was furious when the Uchiha stole his famous line.

Twenty minutes later, when the herd's anger had dispersed, Naruto spoke.

"Jeez, do you guys think you can all be tame enough to hear out this week's challenge?"

The contenders gave their uke their full attention.

**Kiba's Confessional: But with those**_** tight**_** jeans that **_**melt **_**onto his every curve, it's not like he didn't already have it. (howls suggestively)**.

"The Supreme Seme update is upstairs!" Naruto cried out joyously and Iruka rolled his eyes.

**Iruka's Confessional:**_** Deniiiial...**_

"So go to it," and Naruto blue orbs narrowed into warning crescents. "And don't forget what we've discussed last time!"

The contestants cringed. How could they? The last time they fought over the Ultimate Ukette mail, they destroyed the banister, and the stairs had so many dents and craters, walking up it was sure suicide. Chakra had to be used to climb up the side wall to get to the Seme lofts and Naruto was not happy with the damage. He spent his voice out yelling at them for over half an hour about their bestial behavior. Yet the next day, his throat was so sore, his suitors were able to indulge in babying him with expensive teas, honeys, yogurts, warm blankets, and many hugs and kisses.

_Awww..._

Yet at a small glimpse of his previous rage, the Semes briskly power-walked up the stairs, using careful, light steps.

Kiba made it there first.

"Yahoo!!" he jumped with glee, but the Semes obvious annoyance cut his celebration short. He opened the letter quickly, and began to read with an excited, anxious voice.

"_Dear Semes,_

_Iruka forced me to right that heading under the threat of no ramen diet, so don't think you've won my submission!"_

The suitors scoffed.

"_Anyway, back to the challenge. Tsunade said that anyone would be crazy to fall for me. Yet it seems that over half her village wants me, so you all must be insane! Now, to think that Konoha's top shinobi aren't in... "their right mind" is a little disheartening...and quite improbable. Hahaha...Iruka taught me that word! So, that means not everyone here is as _in love _with me as they claim. Now that Chouji's gone, I'm one step closer to sorting through the fakes and finding true love and my UKE!!!_"

The guys cringed at the last word, seeing as it was meant to "refer" to them. Iruka came running up stairs with a sheet of paper, a pen, and an envelope.

"Damn, you guys got up here already! Read the last word, huh?" Iruka panted.

The men nodded while wearing faces of disdain.

"Ah well. It's a hard job to correct his misconceptions..."

Kakashi put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. You try. Us sensei's are still correcting his mistakes even after he graduated from us."

Iruka sighed, yet put on a small smile in agreement.

Kiba continued with the letter.

"_Meet me at the elimination room at three this afternoon. There is someone you need to meet._

_Till then!_

_-Naru-chan"_

"Someone he wants us to meet?" Neji questioned.

"It couldn't be another competitor, right?" Sasuke questioned.

"Little brother, you're such an idiot! Why would there be more competitors?" Itachi scowled, obviously displeased with the idea.

"Sasuke's got a point," everyone turned to Kakashi. "He said he wanted true love. What if he decides to eliminate a bunch of you fakes and bring in a couple more new competitors?"

"Or," Shikamaru intervened. "What if whoever we are down here to meet, will help Naruto find the fakes?"

The men left to their rooms, and Naruto, still downstairs, was shocked by the contemplative silence. Usually, he could hear them bickering all the way from his room on the other side of the mansion.

He decided to ignore their unusual behavior and instead chose to familiarize himself with his _special guest_.

* * *

Three o'clock arrived and the Semes traveled in a single-filed line, as if Judgement Day awaited in the Elimination Room (although it always kind of had, the past few weeks...). They contemplated their "sins" with strict effort, peeling away any possible underlying meanings in their actions over the past eight weeks that could have been misunderstood.

Neji held the two brass knobs to the double-doored Elimination Room in his pale palms. All the competitors took a simultaneous deep breath, exhaled, and Neji pulled open the doors.

Naruto was the first thing they saw. He is the first thing they always see anytime any of them walk into a room.

Of course, he was a gorgeous as ever.

To hisleft, was Iruka and the three snot-nosed Gen- erm...The Ultimate Uke Squad.

To his right...was a woman.

All the Seme's minds went into emotional turmoil! Kakashi was right! Naruto hasbrought in another suitor! A _female!_ He was bisexual - cutting their chances of ever being with him in half, Probably less seeing as sixty percent of Konoha's populous consists of bitches! And fangirls are such tough competitors... Could they ever win...?

Yes, that's right. The Seme's minds were in hyperdrive. All the Semes, except Shikamaru.

He calmly observed the women's age, probably mid-thirties. Her hair was pulled up intoa constricting bun, the only loose hairs were her straight, straight, bangs. Her thin-framed square glasses were fashionable, and her dark brown eyes were stern with the need for answers yet provided a weird sort of practiced sympathy. She wore a white business shirt, the collars of it overlapping the collar to her dark business coat. A starched skirt, comfortable low heels, briefcase, and expensive notepad completed her look.

Behind the group, near the open window, was a loveseat and a long couch, similar to a narrow bed, that could only be associated with one profession.

Shikamaru wasn't looking at a possible suitor for Naruto's heart.

He was looking at a psychiatrist.

* * *

"Turns will be taken with Ito-san, here. One of the best psychological therapist in the nations. The rest will wait outside patiently in chairs that have been provided for you by the servants." Iruka smiled at the Semes shocked faces. Naruto was so good to choose such a challenge!

"Please do not feel offended by my questions. They are all random, some taken by psychological observations I may notice in your character. You are not being personally attacked. I am here to help you, not hurt you."

The men grumbled in disagreement. They made it quite known that they did not enjoy the challenge. All of them had been recco mended to a psychiatrist at least once in their lifetimes, and now, looking back, they take great offense to it.

Naruto piped up, the disapproving look on his friend's faces was heartbreaking. He faked a pout. "If you loved me, you would do it."

The men melted and Ito-san looked on, observing.

"First to spend time with the Ito-san," Iruka glanced down at his list. "Kiba."

The dog boy growled and stayed in the room while everyone else left, snickers resonating behind his back.

Dipshits.

"No dogs allowed." Iruka mumbled.

"You're just targeting me! Of course there would be no one else would have a dog. Just me!" The Inuzuka growled, not one to part with his best friend, and now currently sleeping pal.

"Kiba," Iruka chided gently. "Ito-san. She's allergic."

"Tch." Kiba rolled his eyes. "Of course."

After Iruka left with the sleeping mut in his arms, Ito-san began, already in the plush loveseat.

"Please," she smiled. "Have a seat, Inuzuka-san."

He sat on the chair that was obviously meant for laying down, but he chose to stay sitting up and alert.

"Call me, Kiba." he snarled.

"Call me, Suma." she replied with a smile. (AN: Suma is a Japanese female name for "one who asks". I'm awesome with the puns. D).

"Why aren't you lying down, Kiba?"

"'Cuz I don't feel like it!" he barked.

"Kiba," he smile never faded. "Do you have difficulty trusting people?"

He looked at her sideways, as if trying to find an alterior motive. He practically proved her point.

"You had difficulty giving Akamaru away for the breif ten minutes we're supposed to be together?"

"Shut up."

"You're suspicious of others?"

"Of course." He rolled his eyes as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why?" she pulled out her notepad, now truly ready for some observations to be made.

"Because everyone around me is so unfortunate. They want my crap because I'm so strong and they automatically assume that it'll make them strong and happy as well. That's the reason I'm in this goddamn competition in the first place. Because they want to steal Naruto from me! Selfish bastards."

"Kiba," the dog-boy looked up. "Are you a bully?"

He snorted. "'Course not!" Just because he liked to push people around a bit just to amuse himself doesn't make him a bully. He just has an unusual source of entertainment.

"I think you're lying, Kiba." She tutted. "Either that or you are in denial. Are you always like this or is it because your dog is out of your arms?"

He sighed. "A bit of both..."

"I see..." she wrote a bit more in her notepad.

"Well, enough of me..."

"Yeah. Enough of you." He stood up to leave but she called out.

"Silly Kiba. We're not done yet. Come. Talk to me."

He turned back around and walked toward her but did not take a seat. Her questions pissed him off and he was ready to leave as soon as possible.

He quickly ranted off. "Things I love? Akamaru and Naruto, dogs, training, strength, pranks, Team Eight, and comedy. Things I dislike? Almost everything besides what I do like. Things I detest with a burning passion? All the competitors here, and everyone in the way of Naruto, Akamaru and I. And newly put on that list: you."

He began to walk away.

"Kiba! Wait! Why are you so emotionally distraught? So impatient? Come tell me of your childhood. Let's find the roots to your oppression!"

But Kiba was already out the door.

He ignored the other competitors questioning looks and grabbed the sleeping Akamaru from Iruka's arms, running up the staircase.

Surely mad as hell.

"Um...er..." Iruka stuttered, unsure of how to go about Kiba's disdain.

"Hatake Kakashi?" Ito-san interrupted, poking her head outside the door.

"Hm...?"

"Would you mind joining me for some brief questioning?"

The eldest of the suitors glanced up from his favorite orange book to the staircase in which Kiba had ran off to, then he looked back at the lady with a risen eyebrow. "Ah...? Me?"

"Yes." the psychiatrist nodded curtly. "You."

**Iruka's Confessional: This shall certainly prove to be interesting...**

"Hm..." he stood up from the seat and stretched, never allowing his eyes to be drawn away from the book. He then abandoned the other Semes to their predictions as he joined Suma in the Elimination room.

He sat down on the elongated couch, instantly making himself comfortable. She sat down on the opposite sofa and waited patiently. Kakashi ignored her presence and turned a page in his pornographic comic.

After two minutes of uneasy silence on Ito's part, she began questioning.

"Hatake-san, do you believe you have more difficulty with relationships than the average person your age?"

Without glancing up, he replied, "No."

"Is there a reason why you chose Naruto over other possible domestic partners of your own age? I would have believed Umino-san or the sensei to the Genin team of Team 8?"

"I'm not interested in Iruka or Kurenai. I want Naruto."

The cold curtness of his words made her shift uncomfortably in her seat while she readjsted her thin-wired frames and put on a tight-lipped smile and muttered an, "of course..."

"Hatake-san? Do you tend to lie?"

"Never went a day without telling a fib!" he replied proudly.

"Have you lied today yet?" she asked, jotting down her observation on how he appeared pleased with his inability to be honest.

"No..._or am I lying about that?_" Kakashi asked, and the hint of dramatic mysteriousness in his tone made her shiver.

"I don't know Hatake-san. Are you?"

"Why of course not! I never lie!" he snickered at her slight jump at his boastful voice.

"But you just said that you always lie?!" the psychiatrist was so confused...

"Yeah, well I lied when I said that." The Copy Cat shrugged.

Ito chose to quickly remove her self from the topic, seeing as when it comes to manipulation, the nin was way out of her league.

"Why do you wear that mask, Hatake-san?"

"Hm?" Kakashi looked back up from the book that had once again captivated his attention, as it always does between periods of silence and tranquility. "Oh...this?" He pointed at his face. "Nothing more than to appear cryptic, elusive, and mysteriously sexy."

Suma giggled appreciatively.

"Oh, I'm not joking." Kakashi narrowed his one eye at her and it was as if he demanded utmost attention for this was a very delicate matter. "Do I not appear cryptic, elusive, and mysteriously sexy?"

The clipboard quaked from her shaking hands. Her rose-tinted face and mindless stammers quickly lost his attention once again.

"A-Ano...Kakashi-san?" _When did she start calling me by my first name? _"Why do you enjoy that book so much? Do you feel as though you have obsessive pornographic tendencies?"

"Godammit! This is not porn! It's a spectacular work of literatrial art that expresses the intimate love between a man and a woman!"

Her face screamed scarlet and she couldn't help but wonder, _Is it possible that he's bi-sexual...?_

She scooted to the edge of the sofa.

"Kakashi-san, the love between a man and a _woman_...it's beautiful, no?"

"Sure," he shrugged, getting back to his reading.

Feeling encouraged, Suma scooted her entire sofa closer to the laid-back man. Kakashi gave her a wary glance, sure where this was going.

"I think the love brought by a woman is warm, gracious, _passionate..._"

"Hn." He ignored her even as she stood up and took a new seat at the base of the psychiatrist couch, at the end of his feet.

"Have you ever..." she began to rub a soft, un-calloused hand up and down his calf. "Have you ever felt the love of a woman, Kakashi?"

Said nin rolled his eyes, sat up (startling the awe-struck Ito), and put his book away in his vest's pocket. He stood up and stretched with a yawn, paying her no mind, and Suma felt angered a bit by his neglect of her.

"I want Naruto." Kakashi sighed wearily, as if he had recited the line repeatedly and all who had not yet understood were hopeless morons.

The psychiatrist ignored the bubbling jealousy that brewed at the pit of her stomach long after Kakashi had excused himself from the meeting.

* * *

Once Kakashi departed to his room as well, the rest of the Semes waited rather impatiently for a now stern-faced Suma to emerge from the Elimination Room.

"Aburame Shino."

Her curt clipped tone was replied to silently as the tall brunet stood. His collar and glasses hid his annoyance and he followed Ito into the room.

"Hello, Aburame-san."

Said nin was quiet. He believed talking to be an inconvience and he hoped he wouldn't have to be here long. He watched quietly as she immediately began jotting down info.

"Let me guess? Quite the silent type aren't you? I'll try to make my questions as bold and to the point as possible so you'll be comfortable with nice, abrupt answers." She smiled at her own thoughtfulness.

Shino didn't respond.

She watched as an insect skittered across his nose and she shivered.

"Aburame-san, do you confide in anyone? Teammates? Family members?"

"No. I prefer not to converse with humans."

"Do you confide at all? It's not at all healthy to keep it all in."

Shino sniffed. "Of course. I confide to my insects."

"Ah..." Suma wrinkled her nose in confusion. "You converse with them? They speak back?"

"Aa."

"Ummmm," Suma closed her eyes tightly and then reopened them to face the unmoving Shino once again. "Do you have trouble with emotion? Would people label you as stoic, remote, or unengaged?"

"Yes."

"Do you have difficulty expressing anger? Do you convey rage differently than your peers?"

"Probably. I'm calm when maddened, no matter to what degree. I believe that is the way every shinobi should be."

"Aburame-san," the psychiatrist had a feeling this appointment would end shortly. Well, it all depended on how he would respond to the next subject. "Explain to me your feelings towards Naruto."

She caught the visible twitch at his eyebrow. "I love Naruto."

"Yes," she was beginning to get annoyed. "As I assumed, seeing as you are a suitor in this competition. But let me clarify. How long have you cared for Naruto?"

"Four years, three months, two weeks, and four days."

Throughly unnerved by his frightenly precise answer, she asked another question.

"How do you feel when Naruto gives you a compliment?"

"Pleased."

"What if anyone else gives you a compliment?"

"I don't care."

Ito jotted down a few more notes, feeling that the Aburame would be easy to diagnose.

"Please excuse this personal question, but realize it is the final one -- Do you ever have lustful thoughts about Naruto? Any sexual urges or wet dreams."

"No," Shino answered, obviously unaffected by the sensual question. "My thoughts have never tread into lust for as long as I can remember."

"Well," she sighed, flipping the page filled with Shino's diagnosis and turning to a new one, She wrote a new name at the top. "Could you please ask the younger Uchiha-san to come join me? And thank you for your time, Aburame-san."

Shino gave her a curt nod before exiting the circular room and fetching the younger, brooding Uchiha.

* * *

"And these fantasies..." the psychiatrist mumbled, glancing down at her filled and very thorough page on Uchiha Sasuke. When it came to the blond, information just poured out of this brunet child like wine. "Can you be a teeny bit more descriptive...?"

Sasuke's set-in-stone features morphed into a mean scowl. "How descriptive do you want me to get? I have a very healthy imagination..."

The woman coughed into her hand uncomfortably, the flush the settled on her cheeks and across the bridge of her nose seemed out of place on her professional bone structure.

She reprimanded her inner boy-love fangirl, scolding her perverse mind to desolate all similarities between her brain and that of a teen yaoi fanfic author's (AN: ... Like mine? _Me?_ shakes head in denial Naaah!) "Tell me as much as you like..." she responded, offering comfort with a deceivingly gentle smile.

"Well, most of them are sexual..."

She tilted her head to the side 'innocently' and suggested, "Continue if you rather...?"

"It's just me fucking Naruto..." Sasuke blushed. "No big deal..."

Sasuke didn't feel it important to mention that he had a new fantasy of the blond and him every three hours or so. All created with complicated detail and decorated with concentrated subconscious wants. He believed his daydreams to be far from delusional and prided himself in the thought that they weren't just dreams, they were _ambitions_! It _so _will happen.

Hm...? Sounds familiar? His last 'ambition' is sitting outside, staring into a mirror, and quite unfulfilled.

"Would you care to elaborate?" she pushed.

Sasuke glared. "I thought you said I should just tell you as much as I like..."

She coughed uncomfortably once more but Sasuke didn't care enough to ask her if she needed a cough drop.

"Um...right." She became serious once more. "Sasuke, can you tell me of your friends?"

Sasuke blushed once again and he was ashamed to admit he was just as embarrassed around this psychologist as he was around Naruto! Her questions were beginning to frustrate him...he was borderline pissed-off... but _oh-so_ embarrassed.

"Naruto is my only friend," he mumbled.

"That's fine, y'know..." she comforted his obviously shamed self.

"Of course I know that's fine, wench!" Sasuke's verbally abusive self came into play as it always did when he felt overwhelmed.

_Perhaps one of the reasons he and Naruto never started out on good terms..._, Suma mused, jotting down her observation.

"How do you feel around Naruto?"

Sasuke bit his lip in silent contemplation and Ito restrained the urge to fan herself and swoon.

"...Happy. Definitely happy," Sasuke's lips quirked up into a shy smile. "Mushy and sappy. Like I want to profess my love for him in front of all the world and buy him tons of shit just to make him smile..." Sasuke's lips came down into an unsatisfied frown and he continued. "Then again, I also feel sad. Anxious... frustrated..._ scared..._"

"Explain these latter feelings...you've fallen for Naruto before all the other contenders, am I correct?"

Sasuke nodded vigorously. See! _She_ knew that he fell for Naruto when the blond was still a dork and whatnot! He loved him no matter what. It's so obvious that he deserves him more than those losers!

"If this is true, Uchiha-san, then why has it taken you so many years to confess your feelings? Only when so many suitors vie for his affections, only _then_ it seems you care..."

"_I'VE ALWAYS CARED!!!"_ Sasuke thundered as he rose from his seat, and Suma shivered.

The men outside glared at the door to the elimination room. The emo lost his temper _again_?

"Of course you have, Uchiha-san." Suma got over her lost nerves and waved the angry man down to his seat after recognizing his anger as nothing more than a simple tantrum. "Then why haven't you confessed?"

"I couldn't stand it if Naruto hated me..." Sasuke whispered. "Even _disliked_ me. Even though I know it's better than nothing... I'm so careful around him. I don't want to embarrass myself or be caught unsightly. None of that! The last six years of my life have revolved around him accepting me. Because I don't want to get rejected by him, in any sort of situation._ Ever._"

"But the fear of rejection when confessing one's feelings is normal, Uchiha-san." Suma interjected. "But for over _half a decade_? You never felt that something was_ wrong_...?"

Sasuke blinked, oblivious. "No, why do you?"

"_Oh yeah..." _And Suma began to scribble in notes at an almost inhuman speed.

Sasuke watched, transfixed.

"What about your family Uchiha-san?"

"Family. Besides the mass-murder of my clan by Itachi and, y'know, _Itachi _- my only family is Naruto. He is like my brother."

Suma massaged the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger, agitated. "Naruto is your only _love interest_, your only _friend_, and your only_ family_?"

Sasuke nodded. "Naruto is my everything."

She sighed. "Alright, Uchiha. Send in Nara-san."

* * *

"And the reason you didn't do it, Nara-san?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "Didn't feel like it. Too tired."

"Nara-san," Suma resisted the urge to rub indignantly at her temples. "With your intelligence, there is so much you could accomplish if you only exerted _minimum effort_..."

The psychologist was infuriated and jealous beyond belief! If only she had his intelligence! Then she wouldn't have had to waste her school years as a friendless, boy-repellent nobody! She could have just dated all the boys that lost a bet and made friends with the blond, popular girls that used her for her book smarts; instead of spending her Friday nights bawling endlessly over textbooks on the human condition and pamphlets with mannerisms on courteous social conduct. She could've done all those things and still made it into a world-renowned school!

_Fuck you, Shikamaru_, she internally seethed.

Shikamaru wanted to give her an inquisitive look, but dropped it within nanoseconds of realizing that it took too much travail. "There are only two types on effort when it comes to me, Ito-san._ No _effort and_ too much _effort."

She restrained the urge to growl at him angrily.

"If you're so smart," she couldn't help but spit, "then why are you still in this competition. Don't you think you would have been able to win him over earlier, avoiding this entire issue?"

The lazy nin shrugged. "Probably. I didn't feel like doing it sooner because it would have taken too much, as I said,_ effort_."

"Naruto is a very troublesome person, wouldn't you agree?" she began, ready to rile him up as she (unintentionally) did the previous Uchiha. "Do you think you can handle that?"

"Naruto," Shikamaru easily countered. "Is unlike most women. He is easily pleased. Whatever trouble he gives me could be strategically solved with ramen."

"Is that the only reason why you're with him? Because he's so simple-minded and can be easily manipulated? Are you that cruel, Nara-san?"

Shikamaru blinked at her question and then his gaze grew hard. "No, that is not true. I love Naruto. I'm sure of it. You can't question that. _Why_ I love him? I must ashamedly admit, that the answer to that is even unknown to me. But what I do know is that I want to win him over. And I will display _any _effort necessary to do so."

The jealous psychiatrist was taken aback, but she missed the nin's muttered, "Though I hope a lot of work isn't required..."

"Besides," he continued. "Why do you oh-so suddenly care about Naruto's well-being? You strike me as the kind of person who wants to be here just to get paid, meet some very attractive men, perhaps even sell out their secrets and problems to the press for a little extra cash..."

Her thin lips were puckered into a scowl and her eyes narrowed. "Who are you to judge me?! I'm Dr. Ito Suma! Watch your mouth, brat!" she cried out angrily, before realizing she lost her cool for the first time in her many professional years of psychology. She quickly calmed down, but it was too late; Shikamaru was smirking victoriously. He had won.

"Ah, well what do you know? Our time is up. How unfortunate. It was really enlightening speaking with you, Ito-san." He held out a hand in good nature.

She accepted it, smoothing down her imaginarily ruffled feathers to prepare for her next meeting.

"Likewise, Nara-san," she lied.

Shikamaru was silent for a moment, quietly observing, and then he pulled his hand away.

His arms stretched above his head. "I must say, however, that I am glad that we are through. I'm in the mood for," the shadow-nin yawned. "A naaaap."

"I bet you are," Suma smiled, trying to leave a decent last impression. "Being around a group like this can sure wear a person out!" She wiped her own head in emphasis.

Shikamaru's bored gaze landed on her and he resisted the urge to once again smirk. The chick was so amusing! "You're only half way through," he explained. "And that past group was the best of your patients. I guess Iruka planned them for you first, so you wouldn't become too overwhelmed, but I guess you failed in that too."

"Excuse me?" the psychologist replied, flabbergasted, ignoring the impertinence to her earlier outburst. "You words imply that it could get worse, Nara-san. Don't tell me that one the other side of that door is--"

"On the other side of that door," Shikamaru smiled, the look came off as ominous and warning, "is your worst nightmare."

* * *

Suma emerged from the room and just as Iruka was prepared to call the next patient, Suma raised a wary hand to cease him.

"Let me finish the diagnoses that I have so far, eh, Umino-san?"

Iruka nodded and Suma stepped bravely up to the group of expectant Semes. Kiba had returned so she flipped through her thick, padded notebook. She stood in front of him and spoke of his final diagnosis.

"Inuzuka Kiba, I diagnose you with **Paranoid Personality Disorder**."

"Excuse me!" He shouted out undignified. "I am far from _paranoid_, you damn, crooked fake!"

She ignored him.

"Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships. They search for hidden meanings in everything and are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones. Those suffering from Paranoid Personality Disorder usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges."

Kiba groaned outwardly but in the depths of his heart, he knew it was true. But he felt he was normal enough. Normal enough, anyway, as to not be diagnosed with a loco personality disorder.

"Symptoms include," she continued unfazed, just _tired_, "Unwillingness to forgive perceived insults; excessive sensitivity to setbacks; distrustfulness and excessive self-reliance; projection of blame to others..."

**Shino's Confessional: That is **_**definitely**_** Kiba.**

"Shut up!" Kiba resisted the urge to howl in frustration as he became increasingly annoyed.

Yet, of course, he was once again ignored. "Combative and tenacious adherence to personal rights; consumed by participation of betrayal; and relentlessly suspicious."

Akamaru barked angrily at the psychiatrist, seemingly the cause of his master's distress. Kiba growled loudly, punched his fist through a wall, and ran off upstairs, with Akamaru, naturally, once more.

Suma turned, steel-eyed towards her next patient. Though her stoic cover wavered a bit at remembrance of their meeting, she forced herself to face him all the same.

"Hatake Kakashi, I diagnose you with **Schizotypal** **Personality Disorder**."

**Kakashi's Confessional: Am**_** so**_** not.**

She glared at him lightly, but continued all the same, "Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving. Those with the disorder sometimes believe themselves to have extra sensory abilities. ("But it's true! How else would I be such an awesome ninja?") They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow." She recalled the truth to the last sentence as she remembered how Kakashi confused her, a well-educated women, when he avoided her question about his lying with, consequently, the liar paradox.

"Just because you all can't follow my great intellect and habits, doesn't mean something is wrong with _me_."

"Symptoms include," she went on, her voice growing stronger in front of him second by second, "Odd or eccentric mannerisms or appearances; difficult to follow speech patterns; odd beliefs or magical thinkings; appears shy, aloof, and withdrawn."

"Whatever..." Kakashi returned to his book, and Suma once again shook off the feeling of neglect.

**Kakashi's Confessional: I ****so**** own her ass.**

"Aburame Shino," she found herself in front of him, delivering his results as well, "I diagnose you with **Schizoid** **Personality Disorder**."

He listened silently.

"People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. Schizoids genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived by others as humorless and distant and often are termed 'loners.'"

"Symptoms include: weak interpretational skills; difficulty expressing anger, even when provoked; avoidance of social situations; appears to others as remote, aloof and unengaged; low sexual desire; unresponsive to usual praise or criticism."

**Sai's Confessional: That is **_**sooo**_** true, he is **_**sooo**_** weird!**

Sasuke didn't look too ready to receive his results, but it seems like that didn't deter the head steady psychiatrist at all.

"Uchiha Sasuke, I diagnose you with **Avoidant Personality Disorder.**"

**Sasuke's Confessional: ...the fuck? This **_**stupid bitch...**_

"Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate and avoid social situations. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarrassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike Schizoid personality disorder, Avoidants yearn for social relations, yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed."

"You must be wrong!" Sasuke's face was ruby red as he exclaimed indignantly, trying to save face. "Shut up! I'm fine."

**Itachi's Confessional: Hahahahahahaha! (takes huge breaths; heaves for air direly) Hahahahahahaha...**

Suma was amused once again, yet tried to hide her smile in fear of upsetting the Uchiha to drastic measure, such as that Chidori he was so notorious for...

"Symptoms include: retreating from others in fear of rejection; preoccupation with being rejected; fear of embarrassment, resulting in more avoidance; feelings of inaptitude; desire for improved social relations; appears to others as self-involved and unfriendly; and creation of elaborate fantasy lives."

**Sasuke's Confessional: H-How did she know...?**

"Not true!"

"Well," Ito shrugged. "Those symptoms only involve Naruto, but you're still fucked in the head all the same."

"But I have a good reason to be! Mass murder of my clan, remember!" Sasuke glared at Itachi, who was _still_ laughing his ass off. The older Uchiha even ignored his laugh-induced hiccups as tremors of humor shook his lithe body.

She shrugged again, nonchalant. "Perhaps." She then walked over to the competiton's genius, ignoring the rest of the younger Uchiha's angry rants.

"And Shikamaru," she smiled with such falseness it would make Naruto applaud. _"I just don't like you."_

Shikamaru nodded calmly. "Understandable. Likewise."

Her smile widened to unreasonable proportions. "Good."

"Great," he responded easily.

She pivoted around to gaze upon her final half of contestants. They returned her inquisitive gaze with blank ones.

"Sai," she called.

A boy with black hair, half a shirt, and a constant, creepy smile stood up obediently. "Hai?"

"Please join me, inside?"

"Excuse me?" His ashen eyes widened a bit in surprise. "Did you say 'Please join my massive, ravenous, spontaneous, ball-busting, booty-hole-tacular penis orgy?'"

Sai took in her silence. "Hm? No? Alright then." He walked passed her into the Elimination Room.

She stared after him in mute horror, and somehow, from the corner of her eye, she was able to read Shikamaru's mouthed words:

"_...Worst. Nightmare." _

* * *

AN: How do you all feel about the psychiatrist? I obviously didn't want her to be a Mary-Sue (I truly think I accomplished that), but I also don't want her to be one of those Anti Mary-Sues, where authors do everything possible to make there OC _not_ a Mary-Sue. I thought of how an average, educated woman would react in such a situation and this is what spawned. Choose your own opinions however. Share them in a review if you so choose. D

No challenge.

_Crazy For You: Part II_ will be up by the month's end or early October. Count on that. D Kinda sad though, that The Ukette's one year anniversary is coming up. Eight chapters in twelve months? I'm beyond ashamed. So ashamed that I'm trying to type a single page once a day (to any story in particular however, not simply this one; but _usually_ this one; 8D). Hopefully by the time the next year rolls around, I'll be done, or close to done, with The Ukette story. I hope all my darling reviewers continue to support me until then

myinukoi


	9. Crazy For You: Part II

**title:** The Ukette

**author:** myinukoi

**pairing(s):** Sasuke/Sai/Kakashi/Neji/Shikamaru/Shino/Kiba/Gaara/Itachi - Naruto

**rating:** T (Teen)

**warning:**BL (boy love), serious _ooc_ness, language, somewhat _au_.

**disclaimer: **Naruto © Masashi Kishimoto

* * *

C h a p t e r9: **Crazy**** . For . ****You**** Part**

* * *

"...and that's why penises are made of_ awesome_."

"Ah...I see. But Sai, you see, half of our time is up, and I think for me to form a proper diagnosis, we should talk about things other than the male's most private anatomy..."

"Private? Noting about my man-goods is private, love."

Sai stood up and placed his long, nimble fingers on his pant's zipper. "D'you wanna see? I'll only charge you three bucks..."

"Ugh..." Ito waved her hands in front of her face. "No, thank you."

The half-clothed boy shrugged and sat down, and Ito pondered. Out of all the lustful men in the competition, Sai was the only one that just screamed, "I have _so many_ sexually transmitted diseases and I'm more than willing to share!". Perhaps she should warn Naruto to be wary of this one...

"What should we talk about?"

"Well, so far all the other contestants have been willing to share their feelings about Naruto. Why don't you?"

"Naruto is sexy. So hot. What an uke. And he's in denial! Uke's in denial about their sexual status - Gods, that's nosebleed worthy..."

"U-Um...Sai?" Suma wanted to quickly change the subject. "You seem like a _happy_ boy. You haven't stopped smiling since I met you. Did something delightful happen just recently to make you grin like this? Or are you abusing any_ substances_, substances that I should know about...?"

"Hm?" He waved off her inquiry. "Ah, no! I'm always smiling like this. Ever since I met Naruto."

"And why would that be? All the other contestants fell for Naruto too, but they don't smile as much as you do..."

"Smiling seems to make Naruto happy. So that's what I do."

"But," the therapist questioned once again, "if that's true that you smile because of him and not because of your own accord, then wouldn't that make your smiles false?"

Sai shrugged. "Perhaps. But Naruto's smiles are just as false as mine. His fake grins are not as frequent as mine, but they are there all the same. Besides, before this smiling facade, my face was set like stone. I prefer hollow emotions to none at all."

Sai's eyes became dark crescents as his current beam overpowered his face, but he was able to peek through his lashes and catch Ito-san scribbling furiously.

When she was done, she asked another question. "You come across as quite the sexual fiend, Sai. Seeing as how you give off quite the promiscuous air, can you picture yourself in a future, constant relationship with Naruto at all?"

"If Naruto picks me," Sai began his answer, quite eloquently, "then I will be more than happy to stay with him and screw his tight ass for as long as it is available for me to screw. But if you're speaking of a domestic life with him...?" Sai's chin tilted up and he pondered dramatically. "Then, I guess you can say I can picture myself marrying him. His has to be reeeeeally good though. I hope he doesn't mind that I'm a bit clingy..."

"Clingy? Hm..." Ito's wheels began turning. "Are there any other side-effects to being in a serious relationship with you?"

Sai nodded. "If Naruto is to ever become my wife, he will have to cook, clean, pay the bills, make all decisions, stay by my side, and be tolerant to my over-sensitivity."

Suma was scribbling off her page so quickly that it seemed as though the quick friction between the paper and her pencil could cause her hand to erupt in flames.

"As long as I remain dominant when sex comes into play..."

"Have you ever been told that you are quite dependent, Sai? How do you manage? Do you live by yourself?"

"My aunt comes over every once in a while to help with cooking, cleaning and whatnot. She also pays off my credit card, and pays for my mortgage as well as my rent."

"What, may I ask, would you do if all of these human resources we taken away from you? How would you survive on your own?"

"On my own?" Sai contemplated and his smile dampened a bit. "Well, that's impossible..."

"Is it really, Sai-kun? Is it _really? _As I recall, Uchiha Sasuke lost all his precious people at the tender age of eight, and since then he has fended for himself. If put in a similar predicament, how would you survive?"

**Sai's Confessional: (no smile) So this was the manipulative shit they said she always tries to pull...**

"I-I couldn't..." Sai stuttered, his cherry disposition dropping bit by bit. "I c-couldn't survive..."

"Poor dear..." Suma tapped his knee with false comfort. "Of course you couldn't."

She rose from her chair and walked to the door. She stuck her head outside and called out, "Next patient, please?"

_Strictly business from now on_, Suma thought to herself. _No more games. I'm tired of these contestants going ape-shit. My patients are going to act like reasonable men there own age when they converse with me! _Starting now!

Too bad Ito-san wasn't too familiar with her next contestants...

-

She was hypnotized.

Mesmerizing. That was the only word to describe it. It blew in delusory breezes and swayed to an invisible, musical beat. It fell upon its self like dark, bitter chocolate; waves crashing upon waves and she suddenly felt high. Her breath caught in her throat when the sharp, highlighted strands of mahogany caught the light and winked at her playfully.

"Yeah." Neji showed off one final hair flip, and her glassy eyes clouded over in wonder. "The hair – it has that effect on people."

"Amazing," she breathed.

Neji didn't bother to hide his pride. "It is, isn't it?"

She nodded in utmost agreement before she realized that she had wasted three minutes of their time with her admirance.

"_Herbal Essences!_" Ito squealed, suddenly remembering. "Homigad!! You were in that one ad! It's you! You were with Uzumaki-san! Good god, those pics were sooo hot!"

"Thank you." Neji nodded humbly with reserve, but on the inside, he was bursting at the seams with pure ego.

**Neji's Confessional: You see that! People recognize me for someone other than a lower-branched Hyuuga! I'm a model, dad! Are you proud of me now?**

"Woah..." She refrained from petting his flawless locks. "What do you do to keep it so perfect?"

Suma knew she was totally getting off topic. This was unprofessional and not at all what she was being paid for, but dammit! She may never have another chance to get rid of these godforsaken split ends!

"Well," Neji refrained from flipping his hair away from his shoulder and to his back; he didn't want to distract the psychiatrist again. "I guess all Hyuuga's are born with it, y'know. But while the rest of my family members wear down their hair with sweat and blood during training, which is, of course, still very important as a ninja, I just believed that the key to a perfect Zhen state and chakra composition is through the hair's pores..."

Suma followed on, flipping back the page labeled 'Hyuuga Neji', and labeling another one with a simple title of 'Hair Care'.

"So, I wake up in the morning and... Jeez! Why am I even telling you when I can just show you?"

Suma was confused, until Neji pulled out a clean, white sheet of paper folded in a perfect square and handed it to her. She took it, and opened it carefully. The paper's edges were sharp and the sides seemed ruler-inspired even. It felt as though a lot of work went into getting it _just right_, though wrinkles and creases on the paper of previously failed attempts were nonexistent.

She read, the words were printed in handwriting that was _very _small, and could be easily confused with a keyboard's. So generic...

_5:00:28 AM: Wake up._

_5:00:35 AM: Stretch._

_5:00:45 AM: Stand up; walk across room to window._

_5:00:53 AM: Open curtains and face the twilight._

_5:01:06 AM: Go to the bathroom. Flip on the switch to turn on the light._

_5:01:09 AM: Smile at appearance._

_5:01:13 AM: Begin to brush teeth._

_- fifteen firm strokes to upper front teeth._

_- fifteen firm strokes to lower front teeth._

_- twelve firm strokes to left side of teeth._

_- twelve firm strokes to right side of teeth._

_- spit._

_- open mouth; ten firm strokes to all four molar areas._

_- spit._

_- repeat process with twenty firm strokes._

_- rinse mouth with Listerine®; spit._

_- rinse mouth with water; spit._

_- smile at reflection._

_5:04:06 AM: Unwrap head scarf with nine wraps around._

She peeked away from her frightenely disturbing read and looked at Neji, who compiled a stack of paper squares, no doubt, the rest of his horrifyingly strict schedule.

She placed down the first paper and picked up another, ignoring the Hyuuga's tut of annoyance as he refolded the first neglected paper.

_In regards to an average day without a mission; how to spend the afternoon from 1:43:01 PM to 2:01:05 PM:_

_1:43:01 PM: Claim to need to use the restroom. _

_1:43:03 PM: Excuse yourself from your currently enrolled Hyuuga-Rock Lee spar._

_1:52:23 PM: Arrive at Team Seven training grounds._

_1:52:24 PM: Spy on Team Seven's training activities. More importantly, Naruto, and your rival for his heart, Uchiha Sasuke._

_2:01:05 PM: Return to Team Gai Training Grounds. Use extraordinarily quick wit to come up with an excuse as to your long departure; if they care to ask._

She stopped reading and picked up another sheet, the one at the bottom of the pile.

_9:34:43 PM: Divide hair into two halves; set the part directly down the middle - forehead to the nape of neck._

_9:34:59 PM: Then divide hair into two halves again; set the second part horizontally - from ear to ear._

_9:35:07 PM: Comb each even section 137 times. _

_9:42:56 PM: Apply 0.5 ounces of _Herbal Essences Hair Moisturizer _to hair._

_9:44:09 PM: Practice hair flips._

_9:55:12 PM: Wrap hair with a head scarf nine times around; secure._

_9:59:32 PM: Lay in bed; quickly recite today and tomorrow's events._

_10:00:00 PM: Sleep._

_Repeat._

She shuddered as she finished. Was this an _extreme case _or what...?

Neji shook his head in refusal when the therapist offered him back his schedule. "No need," he said. "I memorized it. You can keep them."

She left them on her desk, with every intention of throwing them out once Neji left the room.

"Hyuuga-san? How do you like working in teams? Like your old Genin team that consisted of your two teammates: Rock Lee, Ten Ten, and your sensei: Maito Gai?"

"I hate working in teams. Team members are incompetent and only slow you down. They ruin my schedule. Though the four of us our on relatively friendly terms, they upset me easily. It's like they don't have any standards, they don't care at all for appearance."

"Ah," Suma asked another question. "What are some of your hobbies, the things that you enjoy?"

"My hobbies?" Neji mused. "I like to shop. Konoha mall is always hot. My favorite places to shop there are Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, American Eagle, Aeropostale, Lacoste, Armani Exchange, Tommy Hilfiger, Banana Republic, and on occasion, Old Navy."

"Um..." Suma shook her head a bit. How preppy... Then another inquiry dawned on her. "How often do you shop? And when you do, what would you propose is a good estimate of how much you spend?"

"I shop about twice a week, usually on Friday and Saturday afternoons to evenings. I have a schedule on that too, if you want to look..." Neji motioned towards his white paper stack, but Suma shook her head in a quick, 'no'. Neji shrugged at her decline. "I calculate how long I spend in each store based on the area that the store is allowed since more space needs more time to cover, then it's daily average of customers because I hate long lines, and the varied amounts of purchasable items. I can usually come up to a good estimation with that..."

"Mmmm..." the therapist nodded. Once she was done writing she glanced back up from her small notebook. "Did you ever buy presents for anyone else? For Naruto?"

Neji's face blossomed pink as he remembered the mall challenge. "Um...on occasion. Christmas and whatnot. I buy Naruto ramen from time to time."

"Have you ever been labeled as a good gift giver? Anything particularly noteworthy you bought Naruto?"

Neji's face was downcast in thought, and just as Suma was prepared to repeat her answer, he probably didn't hear, the brunet mumbled a tidy, "No..."

Suma's eyebrow quirked up, a bit surprised. "Did you ever consider yourself a bit selfish...?"

Neji whipped his head to the side, and luckily, Suma was to busy writing down to notice how lovely his hair danced in follow.

"I see." Suma did not even glance up from her scribbling as she dismissed Hyuuga Neji and asked for him to call in Sabaku no Gaara.

-

As soon as Gaara walked into the room, Suma knew she was not prepared.

Everything about the boy... his crimson hair, darkly rimmed eyes, ghastly pale skin, steel aquamarine eyes, and that huge fuckin' tattoo smack dab on his forehead. _Wait...did that read love?_ Suma mentally thought. _Either he was drunk when he got that or he's an oxymoron... _

Anyway...everything about the boy screamed** crazy**! His eccentric appearance and seemingly dull personality were two extremes that, in all honesty, scared the shit out of her.

Then she noticed the gourd on his back.

_Homigad! _She internally cried. _It's_ Sabaku no Gaara_. Damn! I remember now! It's the Sand's monster!_

_Hmm...maybe if I act as if I don't recognize him...I might be able to get out of this alive...? But who knows, it is possible he's a bit less eccentric. From what I know, no one in the house has died so far, and these are the most annoying people you could meet! I think perhaps he's learned patience._

She sighed.

_Only one way to find out._

"Hello Kazekage-sama," her tone was perfectly stoic. Nothing could slip.

He nodded in regard.

She took a deep breath and then exhaled, letting her shoulders droop with the effort, only to bring them back up in steady posture. She steadied herself.

"Please have a seat."

He took one. He sat comfortably on the elongated chair with so much authority and confidence he made the cheap couch look like a throne.

Kazekage, indeed.

"I don't want to be here." His voice was of quiet dominance and his eyes were spellbinding, and she almost granted his leave.

"And I apologize for that Kazekage-sama, but you must understand..."

He cut in. "That this is what Naruto wants. I understand."

"Yes, so we should do our best to honor his wishes. This interaction will only take ten minutes of you time. I promise."

"That is good."

"Now," Ito had no idea where to begin, so she just asked the first thing that came to her mind.

"Would you care to explain the tattoo? Where'd you get it done?" She mentally cringed after the question left her mouth.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

"I was born with it. It is the kanji sign for love."

_As I knew_, she internally seethed._ I have an education too. Please don't underestimate my intelligence, brat!_

Naturally, she didn't share her thoughts aloud.

"Hm..." she decided that she shouldn't prove her own qualms of him believing her of lesser intelligence true. The smart choice here would be to avoid any more questions that could cause him to reveal any of Suna's information on him as a demon-carrier. Her questions should perhaps be a bit lighter.

"When did you meet Naruto."

"When I was twelve years old, during the Chuunin Exams. I was attempting to kill a couple of his friends... Lee-san, Uchiha-san, Haruno-san, destroy his village and whatnot."

"Oh," Suma attempted to act nonchalant through the bitter answer. Then she questioned, "Do you think that thoughts like that resurface in his mind's eye when you two are together?"

"Perhaps. But I like to believe it was of the precious times. After our battle, Naruto became my first ever friend."

_Wow...Naruto sure had many friends..._

"How do you rate yourself against the other suitors vying for your first ever friend's affections?"

"I will not stand for it, of course."

"And do you have a plan to stand out to Naruto more than the other contestants?"

"Naturally, I am refraining from murder..."

Ah, Suma mused. So he does still enjoy homicide, he's just holding himself back for the blond's sake. But what if he gets eliminated...how will he react then? But then again, this competition could have a bit of a positive effect. He could find his life more gratifying without the constant heckling of the need to exterminate.

"I realized during this competition, that murder is not my only forte." Gaara continued. "I am quiet able in manipulation, deceit, lying and whatnot... Those are easy to use to my advantage.

"You know, a lot of annoyances and perturbance comes with murder. Of course, I get no heckling due to my governing status, but then there is all the paperwork that I have to go through to keep things under wraps. The paperwork, I presume, was a sort of consequence for the murder."

"Quite the light consequence compared to life in prison or a mental institute." Once again, Suma disregarded her words until they came out of her mouth.

_Damn it, damn it, damn it..._

Gaara's light eyes narrowed a bit. "You say that as if you suggest that I should be punished along with those other petty criminals."

Suma ignored her fear for the moment in favor of her question. Perhaps that's why she was chose for this job. Her curiosity always beat out any other emotions. Definitely useful when dealing with cases such as this.

"But your crimes don't differ at all from some of those in prison. First degree muder is a charge of you and 27 percent of Suna's prison criminal population..."

"Not the same." His tone of voice was monotone, and Suma internally prayed that he was not masking anger behind his tone.

"How so?"

"Those that I kill are useless to the world's general populus and worthy of punishment."

"You speak as if you are Kami."

"There is no God," Gaara stated with steel resolve.

"Ah, an atheist. I guess we all have our beliefs."

"I believe in no higher deity than myself. I can only rely on myself and Naruto. We are the only one's truly deserving of kindness."

"Well," Suma bit back an icy retort. "Well I guess that makes you two great for each other."

"We are the only ones that can complete each other. The two of us are polar opposites in the most beautiful sense. Anyone else with either of us is simple blasphemy."

She nodded, writing in her notebook. Gods, was her wrist sore... Gaara looked up to the clock above Suma's brunet bun. "Our ten minutes is up. Nice conversing with you, Ito-san."

Suma nodded, looking up from her work to give him a disarming smile. "The pleasure's all mine."

Just as Suna's Fifth Kazekage was prepared to leave, Suma spoke.

"Kazkage-sama," the words next to emerge out of the therapist's mouth would now heartily prolong their meeting that was well-prepared to end. "Do you think that you and Naruto belong to each other simply because you both have horrible monsters contaminating your souls?"

She then realized that she worded her question _so wrong_.

_I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die..._

And her prediction was not at all far off, because Gaara turned around, the cork to his sand gourd in his hands, and he let out a low growl. "Our souls are pure."

"Ah...o-of cuh-course...very puh-pure souls..."

"But you don't understand that...no one does!"

"U-Um...Kazekage-sama...!"

Sh watched as his sand poured out of his gourd only to levitate in the air.

Her scream was choked off.

-

"Hey, they're late! What's up?" Kiba had risen from a slight nap to ask Iruka. Jeez...he didn't want to be here forever. He wanted dinner!

"I don't know if I should interrupt..." Iruka mumbled to himself worriedly.

"Go ahead! Those two are wasting time. I mean, I know Gaara has a lot of problems, but seriously..."

The other contenders nodded in agreement.

"I want my turn anyway. I'm last, right? I don't enjoy waiting," Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Hm...I still don't know..."

"Hey, Iruka," Sasuke gained the Chuunin's attention. "Did you confiscate Gaara's gourd before he entered."

Iruka blanched. "Uh-oh."

-

It seems that they saved her just in time. Luckily, Gaara decided that he wanted her death to be slow and torturous.

It took her half an hour to recover after she was given proper medical care.

Naruto emerged from his room and came downstairs to comfort an enraged Gaara.

They left the public's eye and Naruto thought that they should sit and talk next to the staircase.

Gaara plopped himself down on the second to last step dejectedly and he pulled Naruto into his arms and onto his lap, only to bury his face, seemingly ashamed, into the uke's blond spikes.

"G-Gaara..." Naruto was blushing.

**Naruto's Confessional: If I manage to make it through this competition with this same complexion and not one of a tomatoes...I think I can die happy.**

"Hmm..." Gaara mumbled, his gentle hum was muffled by Naruto's flaxen hair.

Kind of unnerved by the quick change in attitude, Naruto began, "Gaara, dude, what happened back the--"

"I missed you."

"Ah, th-thank you, Gaara, but that doesn't exactly explain why..."

"She was insulting you. She said that your soul is contaminated. I wanted to defend you."

"Thank you, but Gaara, you know that she is no physical threat to anyone in this mansion. Not even those three brats. You didn't have to try to kill her..."

"She's two-faced, I swear, Naruto. She is. She's so jealous of you..."

"I see...But Gaara we have to go now, I promise, we'll talk a lot more later on. Just you and me, alright."

"You better promise, Naruto," Gaara growled, finally stopping his nuzzling as he pulled himself away from Naruto, the smell of the blond locks still in his sensitive nostrils.

"Ah, of course! You know I won't break a promise, Gaara. My ninja way, remember?"

"Seal it with a kiss." And before Naruto could reply with another stuttered statement, Gaara's soft, thin lips were on his. And before Naruto had a chance to push him away (or respond; he was so confused), Gaara's lips were gone, and Naruto was left alone on the staircase with the taste of Suna's passionate heat on his lips.

**-**

"No, maybe _you_ don't understand! I don't want to be here anymore! Call up a ride and get me outta here!"

Suma was putting up quite a fit, and even Iruka's caring, disarming nature couldn't get her to calm down. The rest of the suitors watched on with unbidden amusement.

"I did this as a favor to you, Iruka. I wanted to repay my debt by helping out that blond brat, but I was _not_ supposed to be putting my life on the line! I can't stay here anymore. By the time it's time to go, I'll be in a mental ward myself!"

"Ito-san, I promise you that you're almost done. Then you can collect your pay and all will be well. We'll never have to see each other again..."

"No, no, no, no, _no!_"

"_Almost done, almost done, almost done..._" Iruka chanted, in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, as he forced the disturbed psychiatrist back into the Elimination Room. She put up quite a fight, but she wasn't much against a Chuunin.

"Itachi!" Iruka hissed harshly to the man.

Said nin rolled his eyes. "Coming, coming..."

"Calm her down," Iruka was still holding the struggling psychiatrist.

Itachi closed the door after himself once he entered the Elimination Room.

"Your next patient is here, Ito-san...Please act with decency." Iruka whispered harshly into her hair, which was now in an awful disarray.

She looked in the direction of Itachi, but unfortunately, her glasses were damaged from her mind-scarring encounter with Gaara, and she was currently waiting (rather impatiently) for a decent replacement for them to arrive.

"Please be courteous to me, Ito-san." The beautiful nin greeted. "My name is Uchiha Itachi."

Suma paused at the beautiful voice and she grudgingly allowed her insides to melt.

-

_Beautiful..._

"Well," Suma straightened her replacement glasses and forced herself to retain the spittle that wanted to slip past her thin lips. She oggled Itachi openly with unhinged perverseness and lust. "I guess I could," she stook a deep breath and swallowed, "stay a bit longer. You understand, it is for Naruto, of course..."

Iruka sweatdropped. "Riiight.."

Itachi, with his understandable female phobia, was, needless to say, beyond unnerved.

**Itachi's Confessional: I sooo better be getting extra points for this. But, ohmigad, if she touches me, I'll fix what that red-haired demon started.**

"Well," Iruka's amused look that went form Suma to Itachi went unnoticed to the surprisingly observant psychiatrist, who was currently leering at Itachi, but Itachi sent Iruka his 'pity-me' look, hoping that it would get him out of his current predicament.

Yet, Iruka, who was never a fan of Itachi since day one, cheerily ignored it.

**Iruka's Confessional: Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll kill each other.**

"Well," Suma strutted over to her loveseat and motioned for Itachi to take a seat opposite her, but the nin didn't move.

"Before this begins, you have to understand that I do not want you in any way, shape, or form."

Suma's lusty facade faltered a bit.

"You have to understand that you are beneath me. I shouldn't have to deal with your crap. Hell, I don't deal with crap in any meaning of the word. Look at me," Itachi pointed to his face. "It's not what I do."

And Suma's frontage was falling a part with every syllable that emerged from between Itachi's pink, perk lips.

"I am gorgeous and you are not, so it'll never work. Don't try the same shit with me that you did with that Kakashi fellow."

And Suma was currently looking at Itachi, blankly, with dead, dead eyes.

"Shall we start the questioning?" Her voice was monotone, and that made Itachi very very happy.

Suma was already pretty damn sure what to diagnose this one with. No major in psychology needed to help her with that. But just to waste time, she decided to question the raven-haired man all the same.

"You come across as a very confident man...it is quite obvious that you love yourself."

Itachi nodded an affirmative.

"But, do you love yourself more than you love Uzumaki-san?"

"Of course I do," Itachi scoffed as if it was only too obvious, no hesitance or question was evident in his words.

The psychiatrist's eyes widened considerably, and she hid her face when she allowed her bangs to fall over her down-turned eyes as she scribbled a few notes.

_No one thus far has ever loved anyone or anything more than Uzumaki-san... What a strange man..._

Once done recording her thoughts, she looked up to find Itachi heavily immersed as he stared into the slightly reflective surface of the outside window.

"Uchiha-san," Suma called, hoping to bring the beautiful man back into the world of the living.

He didn't respond.

"Uchiha-san!" She called again, this time louder.

Silence.

And once more, "Uchiha Itachi!!" but once again, her response was the same.

Honestly, this is ridiculous!

Suma stood up with an indignant huff and walked over to the window. She reached up for the deep crimson cloth of the curtains, and briskly pulled them together, hiding the window and Itachi's reflection, consequently reverting the eldest Uchiha away from his self-induced trance.

"Woah! W-What?!" Itachi allowed his head to whip back and forth as the dazed look slowly evaporated from his eyes.

"Um...Uchiha-san, are you okay?" Suma asked, clearly worried.

"Ah, yes, fine..." He straightened himself up and prepared for more interrogation.

"That's good..." Suma smiled, but the disturbance in her false grin was painfully perceptible.

"Well, back to Uzumaki-san. If you don't love him as much as the other contestants, why would you be here, allowing him false hope of finding someone who truly cares for him..."

"Please don't become confused. I care for Uzumaki-san. Just not as much as I care for myself. Though, it was very, _very_ close."

"Uchiha-san, some of the contestants in this competition would undoubtedly _die_ for Uzumaki-san, but _you_..."

"What are you talking about, Ito-san? I would die for Naruto-kun as well..." Suma frowned in confusion. "But I would not scar myself for him."

Suma shook her head back and forth, obviously baffled. "What?!"She practically screeched. "That doesn't make any sense!"

"Of course it does. Maybe, Ito-san, you're not as smart as you'd like to allow yourself to think..."

"If you die for Naruto in some sort of heroic, epic battle...you are bound to have some kind of physical lasting reminder!"

"Well...I'll allow a few scars. But only those that will make me look ever more handsome and manly...for Naruto-kun only, of course."

"And, you are choosing Naruto because..."

"He's the second hottest person I've ever met, myself being number one." Itachi sighed. "Too bad we can't have children...What a shame..."

A question hit Suma quite suddenly, "Speaking of families, can you repeat to me the fate of the Uchiha clan?"

Itachi shrugged. "I killed them all."

Suma shuddered a bit at his nonchalance. "All except Sasuke, right?"

Itachi nodded.

"Is there any specific reason...?"

Honestly, Suma expected something along the lines of 'I wanted to be the most beautiful Uchiha to ever live. So naturally, all the rest had to die. Sasuke is alive because Sasuke is no competition...' or 'Well, you see, it all started when my father decided it would be best to remove all reflective surfaces from our household...'

So, you must understand her surprise when she heard a selfless, "It was for Sasuke."

Her eyes widened considerably. "Sasuke?"

"Yes, you see...let me explain..."

_Flashback:_

"_This clan meeting is pointless! We're not getting anywhere!" A gray-haired Uchiha yelled._

"_But we must not end this foregathering until we come to a reasonable conclusion!"_

_All the other members nodded in agreement. _

"_Shisui and Itachi were the most beautiful in the clan. No, Shisui is dead and gone and Itachi is left. Itachi poisoned himself with bitter self-centeredness and beautiful jealousy. We must ostracize him, never allow his own self-indeuced cancer to spread to the Uchiha clan's future offsprings!" Fugaku roared with authority that made the crowd shudder in passion, though on the inside, his heart was breaking. Who could believe...his own son...?_

_Itachi, who watched from outside, shrugged, unaffected. They could put him in whatever isolation they wanted as long as it included a bathroom, a 8' mirror, shampoo, conditioner, and low fat Yoplait... that's all he needs to survive._

"_Wait," another Uchiha interrupted, quite a fan of Uchiha Itachi. "How do we know its not a stage he's going through..."_

"_He's been like this since he was six!" Mikoto, the mother of Itachi and Sasuke, sobbed. "He's now thirteen, an ANBU, and more mature than any other Konoha villager under twenty five! He's not growing out of it..." She whimpered sadly._

"_Fugaku, Fugaku...this is all my fault. I shouldn't have drowned him in so much affection and praise." Mikoto continued, sobbing openly. "You told me I should lay off the adoration, but he always made me so proud and I couldn't help it! And now, and now, look what happened? I'm so guilty..."_

_Itachi, still observing, shrugged. _

_Yeah, she kinda is..._

_After comforting his wife, Fugaku called out to a mid-twenties Uchiha,"Daichi, could you explain to us all what you saw Monday afternoon?"_

_Diachi stood up, receiving the attention of all Uchiha's present. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak but words would not emerge so he closed it again and attempted to properly gather his thoughts. _

"_I know this is difficult for you, Daichi, but please try..."_

_The clan members waited patiently._

_Daichi nodded and opened his mouth once more, words now present. _

"_It was–it was... I just couldn't believe it," the man shook his dark head. "They were just children? Why poison their minds, Itachi?!" He took a deep breath and continued. "So, I was strolling around one night, simply patrolling our grounds, when I heard - you won't believe this - _giggling!_"_

_The crowd gasped and a storm of muttering began. Giggling? On Uchiha grounds? Unbelievable!_

"_It's true. _Giggling!_ So, I went to observe, only to find..."_

_He paused for dramatic effect, and the break served its purpose. All the Uchihas faced him and Daichi felt like a storyteller among a crowd of eager children preparing for bed. _

"_Itachi! And not alone. He was with Sasuke, and a few other Uchiha children. And get this, he was teaching them! Teaching them of subjects at all related to shinobi training? No! He was helping them learn how to give them selves proper manicures - with a nailfile and everything, how to cleanse there pours with Neutrogena, and, oh merciful gods above..._

"_He showed those boys how to shampoo and condition their hair with_ Suave!_"_

_The crowd of angry Uchiha's went into a loud uproar and Itachi couldn't help but scoff._

"_Everyone knows that Uchihas only use _Garnier Fructis!_" One Uchiha shouted, appalled._

"_What if this ever leaked out to those _Herbal Essences_ Hyuugas!_ _That the Uchihas can't even be loyal to their own hair care products! Our name will be tarnished forever!"_

_Fugaku quickly hushed the crowd. "Exactly. Which is why we have to save Sasuke and the future children of this clan. Itachi must go."_

_Cheers of approval rang throughout the crowd and as the Uchiha council came to their final decision and prepared to take their proposal to Konoha's Council next morning, Itachi felt it was time he took action. It was time he took action to every possible split end, every untamed cuticle, every disgustingly huge pore, every fucking flaw that could become a possible feature to future Uchiha heirs - particularly Sasuke. _

_He would not let Uchihas become victim to such a crisis. If anything, it is better them dead than flawed._

_So, the night was bathed in blood and the sound of the night crickets were drowned out by the terrible shrieks of death and destruction. And when Sasuke returned home later that night, Itachi couldn't kill him. Porcelain skin, jet black hair, obsidian eyes...his little brother held so much potential, and Itachi prided himself in many things, but destroying thus thy beautiful...? Definitely not one of them._

_So Sasuke was spared and to honor his father's last dying wish, Itachi tossed away his half-empty _Suave: 2-in-1 _bottle in favor of _Garnier Fructis: Length and Strength shampoo and cream conditioner.

_Flashback End_

"And what do you know," Itachi sighed and tossing back his bangs. "I grew to love Garnier Fructis. A kind reminder to my deceased family." He allowed his eyelashes to flutter down towards his cheeks. "May their kind, but horribly confused, souls find proper peace, judgement, and wonderful body cleansers in the afterlife."

Suma used her forefinger and thumb to massage the bridge of her nose in quiet aggravation. Then a sudden thought, a thought that sent happiness blossoming into her eyes and shooting down to curl her toes, struck her. She looked up to the clock - and thank merciful heavens above - she only had thirty more seconds. Thirty more seconds and she was free of this wretched mansion full of wretched men! Forget The Ukette! They could document her perilous trial through madmen, won by sheer perseverance on _Lifetime!_

"It seems we have a bit of time left, Ito-san. Is there anything else you wish to ask me?" Itachi politely questioned.

"No!" Suma jumped at her eager voice and Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"Ito-san, are you displeased with my company?"

Quivering under his gaze, Suma turned to the clock, beyond pleased to see that she only had a few more moments in this room.

Using a bit of quick thinking to escape his hard, questioning gaze, the therapist took her cup of water - used to quench herself, as she would become quite parched during her long vocal sessions - and dumped it on the floor, in front of Itachi's feet.

Just before Itachi could pull his feet up to the chair to avoid getting his painted toes wet, he looked to the floor and was mesmerized at how prettily the water and the marble collaborated to show him his, though slightly distorted, amazingly sexy reflection.

Once again, he was hypnotized in a deaf-dumb state.

Ito mentally cheered for herself.

_Only fifteen seconds to go!_

-

"Iruka, what the hell?!" Naruto whined and he felt as though his wrist was prepared to snap because Iruka just wasn't letting up.

"Jeez, Naruto! This is important. Can you hurry up a bit, please?" Iruka was running to the control room, but somehow Naruto remained oblivious to the urgency in Iruka's tone.

When they entered the room, the two walked over to Iruka's laptop. Naruto grimaced.

"Ew, Iru-sensei. I didn't know you went on sites like this..."

Iruka rolled his eyes. "No baka! Look at the screen, what do you see?"

Naruto sat in Iruka's computer chair and played a bit with the rolling wheels complaining of how he wasn't interested in ecchi sites. When Iruka smacked him on the head, the blond put his disgust to the side, and took a look.

"Well," Iruka asked impatiently. "What do you see?"

Naruto took the mouse in hand and scrolled down.

"A bunch of webcams...here's a pole dancer, a girl doing a strip-tease, some desperate uke swallowing a banana, and a girl lifting up some kind of short, lil' skir– woah! Not a girl, not a girl..."

Naruto continued to list off what he saw and Iruka continued to watch anxiously as Naruto reached the bottom of the page.

"...some perverted Seme showing his 'goods', and finally here's one dude who's..."

Naruto moved closer to the screen, not believing his eyes. It couldn't be...no way!

"_OH. MY. GOD!!"_

-

"I'm done! I did it! I'm done!" Suma cheered, forgetting all professionalism and yipping with joy.

She walked up to a tired looking Iruka. "My debts repaid. No more crap, alright? I'm leaving."

And Suma picked up her leather briefcase, prepared to be on her way when Iruka stopped her.

"Not yet."

"Oh," she scoffed and made a few wild gesticulations. "I know, I know. I still have to diagnose these men. Hold on, just let me get these notes together, I'll tell them what they have, and then I'll be on my way." Her happy grin was so bright that Iruka felt a bit sad to be the one to erase it.

"Yes, _that_, and something else too."

Suma froze, seemingly petrified and she repeated the Chuunin's words brokenly, _"Something else...?"_

"Ah, yes. You forgot there is still one more who wishes to be diagnosed."

"Hey, lady! Don't be so eager to leave! You haven't even got to the star of the show yet-ttebayo!!"

Her brown eyes went impossibly wide, Ito slowly pivoted around to see a yellow ball of sunshine, happy as a pig in shit. He grabbed her by her forearm and pulled her towards the direction of the Elimination Room (the room that she had come to hate; it would haunt her dreams for a good few months...) so she could deliver her final examination.

And just when she thought it was all over...

The Semes stared on, obviously displeased with the thought of Naruto-kun alone with the woman. Gaara hissed at the pair as they walked by.

The wrathful gazes in her direction went unnoticed to the blond, and in the back of her mind Ito knew she had to be extra carful with this one. _If she did anything to upset him..._

She refrained from looking at the hardened glares targeted at her.

_She'll surely die._

"C'mon, Suma! Diagnose me, diagnose me! The great Uzumaki Naruto!"

-

"Hello, Uzumaki-san," Suma smiled at the boy.

Naruto's mask was flawless. Even though he saw the most upsetting thing only moments ago, he figured he'd save his anger. He'd save it, let his rage feast on his hurt, and then let the concoction fester. He would let it all out in this same room, minutes later when elimination time comes around. He shouldn't let his anger blow off on the poor, unsuspecting therapist. She was probably scarred enough, and he didn't want to do anything to contribute to her currently declining mental health.

To tell the truth, he's the first one to take her feelings into account at all.

So basically, the two of them were walking on eggshells around each other right now.How humorous.

"Hello, Suma-chan!" Said woman blinked a bit rapidly at the cherry suffix, but let it slide all the same.

As she examined him, she could undoubtedly see what would make Konoha fall head over heels for this boy. He was indefinitely handsome. Very slender, like a girl. So much so she was a bit jealous. His personality seems very bright. But were those sullen boys all really competitors for this teen's heart? They were seem so opposite from this glowing man. Why are they all falling for him left to right?

Suma ignored the little voice in her head that wanted her to jump out the window; dig a hole through the tiles; anything to just escape! The same voice that warned her that she was heading into dangerous zones with these boy.

She ignored that tiny voice because her curiosity was hell-bent on making her suffer.

Damn her inquisitive nature.

"So Uzumaki-san..." she was interrupted with a, "Call me Naruto."

She smiled again. "Alright, Naruto-kun. Returning to my first question, I heard you were quite the troublemaker back in your days, eh?"

Glad that someone has heard of his rebellious days, he nodded. "True! Totally true! I was so awesome! I was on a team with Kaka-sensei, Sakura-chan, and Sasuke-teme, so you can ask any of them! I was definitely the coolest!"

"Is that right?"

"Mhmmm...everybody knows I was so rad. They were always like, 'Damn, Naruto you're so brave and strong!' and like, 'You're gonna be the future Hokage for sure!' and then they'd be all, 'Your threads are so fly! That orange kicks ass!' And then I'd be all--"

But Naruto was interrupted.

"You wore orange? As a ninja? Didn't that make it a bit difficult to be stealthy? And wouldn't you have attracted enemies like honey?"

Naruto scoffed. "Uh-uh." He shook his head. "When you're such an awesomely strong ninja, you can wear whatever you like! S'matter of fact, I like it when my enemies come to me. After I kick their ass, they never come back! Hahaha!"

"Mhmmm..." Naturally, Ito began to scribble.

"Naruto," Suma placed down her notebook, and crossed her legs, lenaing forward and making eye contact with the beautiful blond to let him know that she was giving him all her attention. "Tell me about yourself. Your likes and dislikes. I want to know them all."

"Haha...of course you do!" He laughed. "I'm such a complex person, y'know, so it's like, 'Where do I begin?' Well, my likes..." Then his eyes brightened. "Oh. My. Gee. I loooove ramen. Ichiraku's ramen is the best. And I love Iruka-sensei. He's so awesome! Always buying me ramen. All my friends are really cool...not just the guys here but the girls too: Sakura, Hinata, Ten Ten, Ino, Temari, Tsunade. And there's Ero Sennin! Kakashi is always reading those books. Oh, and ano sa, ano sa! I can't forget about..."

The boy was sweet, really sweet, Suma knew, but damn! If you give the boy a chance, he'll talk you into the next century!

"...I don't like it when me and my friends fight. That always sucks. And I hate how ramen takes three minutes to make and..."

Suma, now doodling in her notebook, looked up to the clock and realized she only had five minutes left so it was about time that good down to the more complex questions.

"Naruto-kun!" And the blond stopped, seemingly dazed at how fast his seemingly-endless train of thought came to an end.

"What?" He questioned.

"Another question. Please?"

He shrugged. "Shoot."

"How do you feel having so many boys in the house? Are you uncomfortable? Shy? Did being in a mansion with so many men change you at all?"

Naruto scoffed. "Tch, of course not! These guys, before they're my suitors, they're my friends!"

"But how do you react to so much affection and adoration? It'll be hard for me to believe that it doesn't tweak your ego in the slightest..."

Naruto blushed a bit. "What can I say? I've always been one for attention. Even though I never expected this much in like, a _kajillion_ years, I can't say it's totally unwelcome..."

"Hmm..." Ito took note of it. "Well, it's good that you're not sitting here trying to fake modesty? Do you do anything to get extra-attention even now, when you are showered with it?"

"As greedy as it sounds," Naruto sighed. "I just can't get enough of it. All this adoration towards me...it's like a drug."

"Understandable..." Suma continued to write. "Being left without affection as a child could make you starved for it. Don't be ashamed."

"Um...thanks, Suma-san." Naruto smiled a bit shyly.

Suma smiled back, her first real one since she entered the mansion.

"No problem, Naruto-kun."

"Oh!" Naruto looked at the clock. "It seems out time is up."

Suma nodded. "It appears so..."

The two stood up and Naruto stretched.

"Well, you can have some time on your own in here. You know, to deliberate and pick out what we have... though, of course," Naruto grinned. "I'm sure I'm perfectly healthy, eh?"

"Ummm..." Suma stalled.

But she was saved the trouble of answering since all the Semes barged through the door.

"Time's up, hag!" Kiba barked and the other contenders nodded in agreement.

"You've had Naruto in your clutches for long enough!" Sai yelled indignantly. "We're taking him back!"

As the men were practically ripping off the blond's clothes in their hurry to get him out of the room, Suma caught Naruto's pleased smile.

The large doors closed with a resounding 'bang!' and the therapist was left alone with her notes, her silence, and her thoughts.

-

She emerged from the room and everyone was pleased. Finally, to put all of this to an end!

Sai stood up from a seat and waited for her to approach as Suma did.

"Give it to me straight, doc." _Is his smile forced right now?_ She asked herself. _Hm? Yes._

"Sai," she began. "I diagnose you with **Dependent Personality Disorder**."

"What the hell? Dependent?!"

Suma looked at her notes.

"Ah, you see Sai, Dependent personality disorder is characterized by the need to be taken care of. Those with such a disorder, such as yourself, tend to stick to people in fear losing them."

Sai was flabbergasted! Him? Nu-uh!

"They may become suicidal when a break-up is impending. They incline to let others make essential decisions for them and they often jump from relationship to relationship. Over-sensitivity is common and dependents have the tendency to often feel helpless and depressed."

**Sai's Confessional: Not. Me. At. All.**

Before Sai could rant off his distaste for his diagnoses, she continued reading.

"Some symptoms of the disorder are: difficulty making decisions, feelings of helplessness when alone, and unable to meet the ordinary demands of life."

"Jeez," Sai pouted. "You make me seem like a loser..."

"Yeah," Suma couldn't help but shrug, in no way denying, "Well..."

"Fuck you."

Afraid that the promiscuous boy would actually hold true to his threat, Suma moved on to the Hyuuga.

"First of all, I'd like to thank you so much for the hair tips, Hyuuga-san! They are so helpful and I'll definitely try out Herbal Essences in the near future."

**Itachi's Confessional: Herbal Essences? What the hell? What happened to Garnier Fructis?!**

"Mah, mah..." Neji waved away her gratitude. "To get one more horrible head of hair out of public's vision is all the thanks I'll ever need."

A little put off at the comment about her 'horrible head of hair', Suma looked at her notes.

"Hyuuga-san, I'm afraid I have to diagnose you with **Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder**."

"Do not." He responded.

Ignored, just like all the others. "Now, don't get confused everyone. While Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder seems similar in name to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder, the two are _markedl_y different. You see, people with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection."

Neji nodded. "It's the only way to live."

"_Sometimes_," she put emphasis on the word, successfully retrieving Neji's attention, as she deemed her next words a necessary contradicting statement. "Their need to do everything 'right' often interferes with their productivity. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very discerning of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, thinking others to be too inattentive or incapable. They often have difficulty expressing emotion," she finished and let her solid gaze lock with his mystified one.

"You know what..." Neji began, a pale finger to his chin, his eyes wide in contemplation. "I do think I have this Obessessive Compulsive disorder. It really explains a lot..."

Suma, Iruka, and the other Semes were shocked. The first time a contender fell compliant under the therapist's diagnosis. The moment...it sort of felt...

_Surreal.._

"Um...well," Suma was surprised. "Treatment is simple. Improvement with OCD isn't nearly at all difficult as the other disorders. With casual medication and visits to _another_," she put forceful emphasis on the word, "shrink, positive results aren't at all far-off."

"Thank you, Ito-san. I'll be sure to use your advice to my advantage."

Suma smiled, happy she would have at least helped one soul in this seemingly never-ending maze of confusion and disaster.

**Neji's Confessional: Treatment?! Pssh... Who cares about treatment! Maybe the other's are too dumb to realize it, but I have a fucking **_**dis-order!**_** Kami, I can soooo use this to my advantage.**

"I'm so glad I could help, Hyuuga-san!" Suma beamed.

"Oh, believe me, Ito-san, you _certainly_ helped," Neji replied.

Currently beaming like a school girl, Suma instinctively skipped over to Gaara, but when she relaxed her smile to give the next results, she looked down to the paper to see the name, gulped, then she slowly looked up to meet cold, aquamarine eyes.

"Ito," Gaara's cold voice sent shivers up and down her spine and her knees knocked against each other as pure fear rippled through her being.

"K-K-Kazekage-sama..." She whimpered pathetically.

Even though he stood above her decently tall frame by no more than an inch, a towering ivory pedestal seemingly loomed above her.

"My results? I hope to be pleased."

"I hope that you're pleased too..." Suma muttered.

"What was that?" Gaara's glare...It couldn't be simply said that it_ pierced _her, no, because his cold eyes, they rather seemed to stab her through her forehead, _repeatedly_, with a dull, _dull _butter knife.

"Nothing!" She meeped, and after a quick mental prayer, she took a deep breath, and began with the results.

"Kazekage-sama, I am afraid, and believe me when I say, afraid, to diagnose you with **Antisocial Personality Disorder**."

"Antisocial? Of course I'm antisocial. Was this all we spent our ten minutes on? For you to simply repeat what I already know?"

"N-No, Kazekage-sama, Antisocial Personality Disorder. It's an actual mental illness."

"So I'm crazy?" Gaara glared.

"Well, you tried to kill me, Kazekage-sama..." Suma trailed off.

"You talk of it as if you didn't deserve it."

The therapist couldn't help but pout! _The injustice!_

"Stop wasting my time," Gaara sighed. "Explain the disorder and my symptoms."

"Right..." Suma began. "Well, to clarify your earlier statement, Kazekage-sama, a common misconception about antisocial personailty disorder is that those suffering the disorder have poor social skills. Ironic, that that is near-close to the opposite. Instead, the disorder is outlined by a lack of conscience. Those with such a disorder are apt to criminal conduct, thinking that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials have a tendency to lie and steal, and are often sloppy with money and follow inconstant impulses without considering the consequences. The can be labeled as aggressive and are much more interested in their own desires than the needs of others."

Suma removed her gaze from her diagnoses and locked eyes with Gaara. She quickly turned back to her notes and the sand-nin remained quiet.

"Symptoms of the disorder are: dismissal of others emotions; instinctive and reckless decision-making; a deficiency to properly intake remorse for harm done to others; lying, stealing, other unethical behaviors and neglect safety -- for others and oneself.

"Now, a majority of the criminals in prison are diagnosed with the disorder and treatment is quite difficult, but symptoms usually belittle with age."

Once Suma was done, everyone around the room nodded their heads and mummers of, "That's true!" and "I didn't know there was a disorder for people like that."

Esteemed a bit by the acceptance of her diagnosis to her most fearful patient, the psychiatrist looked to Gaara, expecting to see just the slightest bit of credence in his eyes... but she was disappointed.

"Are you done?" His blank gaze shifted away from her and she could tell she was dismissed.

"Yes, Kazekage-sama."

Her thoughts were elsewhere when she approached the beautiful nin, but as always, Itachi stole her attention with his appearance right away.

"Uchiha-sama, you're diagnosis was expected when you walked into the room, but was confirmed within the first ten seconds of our meeting. I diagnose you with **Narcissistic Personality Disorder**."

"Narcissism?" Itachi pondered aloud to himself, "Like the ancient greek youth, Narcissus? Hm...I always admired him to an extent. Couldn't help but find similarities with our personalities."

"Yes, perhaps because of the similarities in personality between Narcissius - named after the disorder, and you, Itachi - a Narcissist, you are diagnosed with the personailty disorder." Suma rolled her eyes.

"Though I have a decent gist of the disorder, I'll allow you to clarify to the rest of the group here anyway."

"Psh!" Sai scoffed loudly. "We don't need no clarification. We all already know what's wrong with you."

"Narcissistic personality disorder," she began in hopes of disarming a potentially sinister argument, "...is characterized by self-centeredness and those with the disorder seek constant aid and praise. The disorder is usually found within men and those diagnosed with the disorder are prone to overdoing their achievements, anticipating others to view them as superior. They incline to be particular in selecting friends and partners, as they believe that 'not just anyone' is worthy of being their friend or love interest. Narcissists usually make good first impressions, but have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are uninterested in the concerns of others and are prone to taking advantage of them."

"I don't understand how caring about oneself more than the rest labels me with a mental illness. I'm more beautiful than the rest, so I love myself more than the rest. How does that diagnose me with a personality disorder?" Itachi obviously wasn't pleased about the way he was portrayed.

"And I admit that with one looking like you, Uchiha-san, it is hard not to be a little self-righteous, but I believe that you take you self-centeredness to obscene levels. If anything, you can be described also with a god-complex."

Itachi scoffed and turned his head to the side, pointedly ignoring her, but Suma knew that he would listen to the end of his diagnosis all the same.

"Symptoms include: requiring excessive praise and admiration; manipulative; awing sense of self-importance; lack of empathy; lying (to oneself and others), and obsessed with fantasies of fame, power, or beauty. I couldn't help but notice the last symptom as similar with the younger Uchiha brother; their love of daydreaming and fantasizing. I wish I could come up with a confirmed answer to the spot, but I'll have to settle with the theory that it is hereditary."

Both of the Uchihas pouted unhappily at the simple suggestion they have even more in common then what they are forced to.

**Sasuke and Itachi's Confessional: Godddamit...**

"And to the last..." Suma trailed off as she walked towards Naruto who was squeezed quite possessively in-between Neji and Kiba.

"Uzumaki Naruto, I diagnose you with **Histronic Personality Disorder**."

Naruto pouted. "I'm crazy too? Aww man..."

"People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers, Naruto-kun. They demand to be the center of attention all the time, and often interrupt others in order to dominate the conversation. They use baffling language (in your case, cursing), to describe everyday events. They may dress differently from others, like your orange, or exaggerate to get attention. Histrionics also tend to overstate how they are perceived by others, believing everyone views them in a positive light."

"Shit, it's true, totally true...I'm crazy!" Naruto whimpered.

"If it makes you feel any better all the men here have been diagnosed with disorders too," Suma said and Shikamaru coughed. "Expect Nara-san."

"Hm..." Naruto pondered a bit. "That does make me feel a bit better."

"That's good." Suma smiled.

"Well thank you, Ito-san," Iruka cut in, "I guess you can take your leave, for certain this time."

Suma smiled, gathered her things and left, but not before handing Naruto her observation notes. He could read it all there and make his decision.

She left, and after she did, Naruto only glanced at the disorders, just browsed through them quickly, before he stood up and dumped them in a nearby trash can.

"Elimination time." He stated nonchalantly, but inside his insides were churning as he remembered back to what Iruka showed him in the control room.

"Really," Shikamaru was a bit stunned. "You barely looked through them!"

"I've already made a decision," he replied, and then everyone was back in the Elimination Room.

-

How those Genin were able to get into the room and set it up without the others knowledge was baffling, but the suitors paid little mind to how those tiny tricksters did what they did anymore.

What they were more focused on was why Naruto seemed so ready to Eliminate. The last time he called for a speedy elimination was with Kankuro, and everyone knew that wasn't pretty.

Across the Elimination Room next to the other set of doors that led to the exit, the Semes could see that all their bags were packed and labeled. Wow, Naruto really wanted someone gone and he probably knew who that was for a good couple of hours. And to think he had that cherry disposition on all that time...

Everyone was in their usual positions and Naruto was across from the Semes beside the ramen cup-topped table. The Elimination Ceremony began.

The first cup was distributed, "Hatake Kakashi."

**Kakashi's Confessional: Hell yeah!**

A kiss to the cheek was what Naruto received and, as always, he blushed.

"Hyuuga Neji." The boy strolled up to Naruto with long graceful steps and accepted his cup graciously.

"Uchiha Sasuke."

**Sasuke's Confessional: Score! Called before Aniki! Thank you, Naruto-chan.**

The ramen cups were easily vanishing as Gaara, Itachi, Shino, and Neji were selected.

Kiba and Sai were in the bottom two and only one cup was on the table.

"As you can see, we are down to our final two." Naruto informed.

Naruto turned to the dog boy. "Kiba, as you know, this is your first time in the bottom two."

**Kiba's Confessional: No shit! Why am I here, Naruto?!**

"Kiba, during your time with Ito-san, you had some tantrums..."

"What the hell? At least I didn't try to kill her! Why the hell isn't Gaara down here?" Kiba barked.

"Because Gaara is learning." Naruto said patiently as if talking to a one-year-old. "He's trying very hard to adapt to a mansion full of men which I'm sure he doesn't like. He's_ trying _and Ito just said something to make him..._slip_..."

"She was asking me a bunch of bullshit questions too, Naruto!" Kiba knew that this was very, very unfair.

Shino turned to look at his roommate, the Kazekage.

**Shino's Confessional: What did Gaara do...what did Gaara do that has Naruto so wrapped around his finger?**

"Besides," Naruto sent a comforting smile towards Gaara, "I'm sure he wasn't going to _really_ kill her, right Gaara?"

"Ummm...no?" Gaara lied and his answer was rewarded by a blinding smile from Naruto.

"I'm pissed." Kiba stated flatly. "I'm totally pissed."

"I'm sorry, Kiba. Don't be mad with me," Naruto tried to pout his way out of it, but Kiba wasn't biting the bait. Inuzuka crossed his arms over his chest and turned away.

"Well, Sai," Naruto turned to Sai and his blue gaze hardened. "Is there anything you want to share with me, before I make my decision?"

"Ummm...no?" Sai lied and his answer was rewarded by a heartless scowl from Naruto.

**Sai's Confessional: Hm? (sarcasm) Gaara and I? I wonder who he prefers?**

"Have you been engaging in any activities in this mansion that you would like to share?" Naruto's eyes were ice blue.

Sai shook his head.

"Where'd you get a web cam, Sai?"

**Sai's Confessional: Fuck...**

"I...um...you see, Naruto..." Sai was such a bad liar.

"Oh yes, Sai! _I did see_. I saw you on Adult FriendFinder, Sai. You were broadcasting weekly strip teases in Bedroom 3 and telling everyone nasty things you wanted to do to me. You demonstrated with chili dolls and everything!" Naruto shook his head, dsigusted, and by the end of his speech, he was obviously upset.

"Holy shit!!" Neji and Sasuke yelled simultaneously. "In our room, dude?!"

"It-It was an outlet!" Sai attempted to defend himself. "Neji and Sasuke don't talk at all! I was lonely..."

"Goddamit...you could have talked to me, Sai. But you were more interested in the company of forty-five-year-old men than me! You're such a whore. You'll never change!" Naruto angrily threw the final cup to Kiba, who caught it happily, and then the blond crossed his arms over his chest.

"What?! So I'm eliminated now? Whatever! I don't even care. You're so not worth it! You totally missed out on a good fuck!"

Naruto growled. He was getting really pissed.

"Ah, Naruto-kun!" Sai dropped his tough facade and began to beg. "Never mind what I said! I'm sorry! Please don't kick me out! Remember my dependent personality disorder?! I'll die without you!"

For one of the first times in his life, Naruto wasn't buying it. "No. I'll have Tsunade put you on suicide watch. I don't want to see you anymore."

"Baby, _I can change_!" Sai called out as he was being dragged through the doors by several large-built body guards.

_Sayonara Sai..._

"Well," Kakashi pulled out his book. "This was all very interesting..."

"Yeah," Kiba agreed. "But I'm starving. It's time for dinner right?"

The rest of the men nodded as they rubbed their bellies and pouted.

"Alright!" Naruto grinned. "The maids already prepared supper! Guess what it is?"

The men looked on questioningly.

"Ramen!" Naruto beamed.

The Semes faces scrunched up in distaste and Iruka went red, _"Naruto!"_

Naruto put both hands up in mock defense, "Mah, mah...kidding, Iru-sensei, kidding!"

As they all walked away to the dining area, Naruto smiled, content.

_I think that this competition will run smoothly from now on...maybe I can find true love yet..._

-

After dinner, the men lounged around in the dining room and their eyelids grew heavy. After such a day and dinner, they were undoubtedly prepared for bed.

Just as Naruto was prepared to dismiss his suitors to bed, a distressed maid rushed in.

"Uzumaki-sama, Uzumaki-sama! You won't believe who's here! We don't know how he got in, but he did and he demands to see you! What should we--"

Yet before the group could gather their thoughts a familiar being walked in.

_Sound uniform and headband..._

_Silver hair..._

_Circular glasses..._

_Evil smirk..._

"**Kabuto!"**

-

**myinukoi:** Yeah, he's back! I was editing some old chapters to The Ukette just as I was prepared to finish this one and I thought, "Lemme bring Kabuto back!". He was the only one not "officially" eliminated, so I thought it would make an interesting chapter 10.

Well, October 7. I made my goal of the previous chapter to have chapter 9 up by the end of September or early October. I think mid-October doesn't come until the fifteenth...my opinion!

Well, I liked this chapter more than the last. I have to say I am happy with it. The new season of I Love New York and America's Most Smartest Model (Did you know I'm a sucker for reality television? No? Well, I am! So much so, that I wrote a long-ass fic based on The Bachelorette, you see...) are premiering tonight, so I should have tons on inspiration. More so than I did over the summer.

Okay, so don't freak out about this next goal, because I'm aiming to have the next chapter up by mid-November to early December. You have to remember that not only am I a highschool student trying to maintain nothing less than a 3.8. and I'm doing two clubs. Pain in the ass, I'm telling you. I live for the weekends... Also, keep in mind that I'm still meaning to update four other fics before this one so a bit patience is always appreciated, alright?

So, lemme see, 10, 752 words for a 10 worded review? Hmm...in my opinion, I think you guys are getting a pretty good deal here. Don't try to cheat me out of it.


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